i would have told them to go to hell. loudly.

and so you lump it.

Isn't that what having inlaws is about sometimes?

they planted the seeds, it may take time for them to grow. i think they played it just right and applaud their courage and insistence on sticking with love.

He did it out of love for his husband.

That's a victory.

We will see what seeds this visit planted.

And, if nothing else, all the kids had a great time with us and they will have a different opinion of gay people NO MATTER WHAT. We've changed their definition and nothing can change that.

:0) It will be a win in the long run. I am sure of that.

It's too bad you can't say the same thing of your family.

or solution that comes straight away! I am impatient. To an ornery extreme, she said, sheepishly. But I concede that for the change to be systemic, it has to be gradual. It has to be allowed to take root, to seep down in. Which, annoyingly, takes time, dammit! And sometimes I think the way to go is to forge ahead, giving the opposition a good shake and maybe a good turn over your knee for a spanking since they're mostly acting like spoiled brats who are throwing public fits because they didn't get their way (in this case, the Presidency - twice. And Good Gravy but they got beaten both times by a black guy). I just can't help but see this as acting out, and a lot of me wants to throw bile back at them til they drown in it. BUT - that isn't always the most successful tactic...



What you did was truly to be classy. You were a class act with all of them. One of the legacies my dad left me was the saying "rise above it." Some of the hardest advice I've ever had to force myself to follow!!! This is what you did - and with class, and elegance. I've heard it over and over again, and read and pondered it here and elsewhere, that many people embrace the prejudices they have - against blacks, against gays, against Latinos, against working women, against Islamics, against the poor, you name it because they don't know anybody who's one of those. Or they don't think they do. They haven't lived with folks not exactly like themselves. That bill o'reilly quote is getting a lot of exposure at the moment. It's from the time Al Sharpton took him to a restaurant in Harlem - a landmark restaurant, and o'reilly went back on the radio afterwards to remark that people were sitting there and enjoying their meals and having fun and (gasp!) eating with knives and forks and not hollering across the room for "more iced tea, mofo". But the takeaway was that ol' bill had never taken the time to discover blacks as people rather than the negative stereotypes and caricatures that he and the rest of the far-wrong have invented to explain some annoying realities away.

YOU put a human face on your marriage. And you added in a couple of truckloads of dignity. You also rattled a few cages and shaken a few misconceptions. They learned that you don't bite, you're not contagious, you're not a Commie, you're not from Mars and you don't have six sets of eyes and four arms and leave ooze on the ground. You were understanding and patient! You have definitely given them a template for some rethink. They learned that you are kind, noble of demeanor, generous and humble, friendly and approachable, sweet and respectful and loving to your spouse, and that you have class. They'll use the new model you've presented to on which to try out some different thinking.

I bet you left people with a lot to think about. And hopefully more than a few people. There will be those who will soon notice only how devoted the two of you are to each other, and how genuine the bond between you is - just like any other married couple. People change. Some of 'em, anyway. Sometimes it's because their eyes are forced open. You did it much more gently and compassionately.



You did a GREAT job.

thanks for a moving story.
You and your partner were probably not the only
ones there aware of the hypocrisy. People change slowly
most of the time, drop by drop.

seldom "see" their dysfunction -- too likely to experience cognitive dissonance.

I very much admire this DUer's strength and courage: right into the midst of pitiable, damaged souls without giving them so much as a scintilla of justification for their hate.

And I have to be positive that they will change over time. I have to be in that mode for my husband because losing his family would cause him great pain.

And so we will be out and kind and pleasant and show them they are wrong in their beliefs. It is all I can do, try to win them over. Any other choice, I feel, would not be the choice that most supports my hubby in the best possible way I can.

In the 1940's in my state, they passed a law that men caught doing homosexual acts would be arrested and castrated. This week I went to a family reunion wearing my wedding ring, I walked on the street holding my husband's hand and I kissed him in the center of downtown despite some really nasty looks.

70 years ago we could have been locked up and castrated for that.

So that is my perspective. I will continue to work hard for change. I will see each step as victory. BIG victory.

If you go back for a family reunion again and they leave you out of the family picture, your husband should make sure that he is at the end of a row. Then you take a copy of the picture, photoshop you right next to him. Whether you care to share your corrected version of the picture with the rest of his side of the family will be up to you.

I am sorry that his family don't really understand and fully accept your relationship. You both chose the higher road which makes you way better then those that chose to slight you.

they HAVE invited you in the first place. You're spot on about that.

ALL of the changes we've seen over the past 70 years have been small, but measurable steps in the right direction. I hope that every one of our LGBT children will soon be able to attend school without hiding their bright spirits.

And, OMG, so so so forgiving.

And so loving.

It's not fair, but it's probably true, that you would never convince them of the wrongness of their bigotry by calling them out on it. It is SO not fair, but I think your approach is probably the most effective one, even though it was so painful for you and for him, and even though it's so completely and utterly unfair that you and your husband have to endure that pain just to change some bigoted people's minds.

You're a sweetheart to see this from your husband's perspective even more than from your own. He's a lucky guy and his is a lucky family to have you. I really hope they will realize someday what an incredible jewel they have in you.

to people.

but it was like walking a tightrope. I had to stay right there balanced in the middle to be successful.

stand together and ask another member of the family to take a photo of them together. And then to entice other members of the family into some mixed group shots.

I'm don't know these people. It could be that it was not meant to be a slap in the face. Some folks need to be gently shown the way, rather than have their faces shoved in it.

And, if it was intentional, and they made sure it was known, then, were it me, I just would never have darkened my family's doors again, or at least until they changed their minds and attitudes.

I couldn't contain myself. They wouldn't and didn't!

But we would have been stronger if things had been nicer as well.

and send 'em all a nice copies for christmas

:0)

kill 'em with kindness

I'm in TX and people outnice each other alla time. Passive-aggressive "niceness" is an ART FORM HERE!

Southerners.

My mama and daddy met in Kingsville, after all!

I know when I visit Texas sometimes, it's hard to figure out who is being sincere or what message exactly is being sent with all that amazing NICENESS.

Except you know most of them aren't really so nice . . . .it's kind of confusing when you're used to being around people who are much more direct.

than have someone who hates me being sweet.

One face per person is enough for me!

aren't friendly enough. And that's probably true on a superficial basis. But all that sugary-sweetness in some other parts of the country can be pretty deceptive. I'm more comfortable in a place where -- when people DO act like they like you -- you know they mean it.

but at least, as you said, it is better to know who is truly a friend and who is just being polite.

I do know lots of nice people from all over though. Nice is everywhere, just gotta hunt to find it sometimes!

you are bound to find "nice" sooner than many others will.

so, no matter what is going on inside my head and heart, you'd think I was sailing on a lake by the look on my face.

Never let them see you sweat... I live by that.

That, my friend, is a standard southern diss. The blessing always comes before the blasting.

He married such a nice woman, a pity the children look like her.

I once heard that about my cousin.

We were to be polite at all times. Needless to say, we figured out how to be "polite" and still get our meaning across.

"Her? She lies like a rug and bangs like a screen door."

She had always been a sweet lady with a higher sweet voice...and then she spat out in this deep gutteral voice, almost like someone else.... and I was in AWE.

Those SOuthern Belles can growl sometimes!

as long as you use "bless his/her heart" before or after

family picture with your Mom & everyone else you two consider family and send those out. Another way to let them see that you are both in love & loved, for yourselves.

Gotta agree with Don.... love you for that too.

We're glad to have you here!

Fantastic!!

Don, you should absolutely do that - make up a photo Christmas card using that pic with you photoshopped in. PERFECT.

photos of himself and his husband with his own family. That would be a pretty clear message: we are family with this family. We are hired photographers with that one.

to read the whole thread. I agree both are good ideas.

to be headed by a great father. My sister's partner (marriage isn't legal here yet) and their boys are always in the pics, because they are our family (even if I can't see the nephews as often as I would like)

Thanks for sharing and give your dad an extra hug next time you see him. We appreciate him raising his kids that way!

hopefully your family, or a good portion of them, will come around. The best cure for fear is familiarity

Ignorance usually fades with knowledge. Being out gives them the knowledge.

We can hope for better each visit, I am hoping.

Because you went through all of that for the person you love. No wonder the two of you are together despite his family!



I love elehhhhna's suggestion - PhotoShop yourself into the picture and send them a copy with a nice message about having the whole family together.

(I did that with one family photo - my BIL and my husband took group shots and I put the various shots together to make a picture with the entire family in it. It would have been easier to figure out how to use the timer on the camera, but no one felt like doing that. )

We would have left after some pretty choice words. But that's how I'd deal with things and my husband would get to go along for the ride. With his family, I was along for the ride so I just held on and bit my tongue.

they would likely have reacted with surprise and "well, you're not really married, are you!" because it's not legal in their little right wing bubble even if it is in their state. They would have been surprised to know you felt snubbed, your marriage isn't real in their mindspace.

Yes, they are that clueless. It doesn't excuse a bit of this, it was unforgivably rude. I know I'd be loath to attend more of those reunions to stock up on such good Christian insults.

It's not you. It's them. I know if relatives pulled that on anyone I loved, my will would be amended the day I got home to say if both of you died at the same time, your estate would go to one of the pro gay organizations working hard to bring Christian blockheads around.

They'd hate that.

since it puts a smile on your faces every time you think about it.

Of course, when you don't ever consider the feelings of others and you don't have any empathy for others, you're always shocked when people get upset with you.

My hat is off to Don. He was probably the strongest man at that reunion, considering all he endured those 4 days and nights! I couldn't have lasted that long; I probably would have found a plausible reason not to go in the first place. I think Don and his husband have an unusually strong and stable marriage. If they can go through all that, they'll make it through anything.

Obviously, I don't know the family dynamics or your husband, so please don't take offense but what would have happened if your husband specifically invited you into the picture. What if he said "ok, now take one of me and Don" or "hey (boyfriend of cousin whoever) you take the picture so we can get Don in here".

I don't think I would have participated in a family photo session including spouses if mine was specifically excluded, straight, gay or whatever. I wouldn't have stayed if my spouse had to endure one slap after another.

It happened very quickly. And we were both floored. Lol... we were unable to think quickly. Perhaps it was the altitude or something.

I know how much it hurts.

But a worthy tale to tell, I thought.

I hope your trips to Red America were worth it. Mine certainly were.

Thanks for this post. I am so sorry that the one you love got hurt "by the ones he loves."

:0)

Just so you know, we all aren't bigoted jerks in red state hell.

The sad thing is, the whole family was very nice to my face. But then you realize only some of them mean it. ANd it leaves you confused about who is who.

Other members of his family went out of their way to be nice. There was some balance.

But in a group, nobody could take that step. I figure they all had to really think about the whole thing and there will be good healthy soul searching and it may move some hearts in the long run.

Only good will come from this, I truly believe that. It was just kind of...difficult to be in the middle of it, is all.

*Someone* will be ashamed they sat silently and let that happen. And they will eventually tell others about that feeling.

We all like movies where the pithy comment shuts down the hater, but the only way to shut down the hate for good is with love and time.

I am an Ohio native, adopted hometown is Cleveland. I am what most down here consider rude. But people always know where they stand with me.

I am happy for you guys, you are lucky to have one another. And seriously this post really touched me and I am glad you shared all that.

Peace

Peace it was. I was as Zen as a man can be...at least on the outside.

because you gave them only your goodness. That is never a lost thing. I hug both of you. Tell your husband that in the end love wins.

Showed them our very best.

Can't do any better than that. If its not enough for them? Meh.

I am so sorry that you and your partner had to experience this. Shame on them! Shame!

to visit people. I can imagine the xenophobia she will face. And she will just smile and tell me it's okay. And I will seethe!

You are a lot nicer than I am and I would have been. I would have ripped each two or three new assholes and caused WW3 in that house. Motherfuckers!

The sad thing is, if you and your hubby tell them you both will not go back, they won't care. They wrote both of you off with their behavior.

You are a pariah. And they aren't fucking worth your finite time.

Hugs to your wife and her new life. It will be hard for her to transition but I wish her the very best. But you will see that while some will disappoint you, others will rise to the occasion like cream in milk.

I'm glad she will be with someone who has her back.

Good luck!

OK you tried
can you stay away now? Hope u dont have to go back or correspond
I have so many relations on ignore myself and it feels great not being around them

and will send them promptly for the hospitality. And mine will be there before anyone else's.

That is how I play the game.

Behaving badly would have cemented their opinions; while, showing them graciousness and love means some will give it back to you. Not all, but first, you crack the ceiling. These people are important to your husband, and thus, important to you. The more friends you make among them, the better. Good!

That hurt though, was the price to pay to try and plant the seeds for long-term change. It was an investment on my part I figured.

If my husband can have me and, eventually win back his family, then I will have done my job being the best partner I can be. I have other battles to fight where I don't have to make such hard choices. I'll go fight those.

...of our marriage. So I know somewhat (most certainly not the same by a long run, but somewhat) about what it is like to be in such a situation. Let me say first, that I totally respect your decision go along with your husband in how he handles his family. However, I'd like to let you know what I decided in my circumstances, just to offer an alternate point of view. I was in your partner's shoes, and I decided from the moment I said "yes" to my husband's marriage proposal that if anyone in my family rejected him, they rejected me. We were a team, and they took both of us, or neither.

Which meant that I didn't speak to my father for two years, not until he learned to accept my husband. Of course, the irony was that it was my father who taught me to put my husband first. You see, he always put my mother first, was always with her through illnesses, was always on her side in public even if they argued in private.

I wanted a marriage like that.

Your husband's relatives have their own spouses. They clearly put them "first" in the pictures. My father put my mother first, and I respected that. And that is why I put my husband first. And refused to give anyone who disrespected him my respect. How you and your spouse handle your family is up to you--you both know what's best for yourselves and for what you want from that relationship. I would only tell you to remember that his grandparents and parents won't live forever. You are the one who is going to be (presumably) at his side into old age, always putting him first, as you did her on this occasion. And knowing him in a way that those who've known him all his life do not--and still don't and clearly don't want to.

In my book, that makes you all the family that really matters to him (and vice versa) or should matter (at least until you have kids.)

and I am sure they will for us.

And, regardless, we have my mom who has been as awesome as awesome can be.

but my wife's family didn't like me for about three years. I killed them with kindness like you have been, and it worked out well. Ten years later I am the well-loved one and get to be inclusive and welcoming to new spouses. It will work out.

wife is Mexican American, I am white. I was always polite to her, and bided my time. When she saw how I treated my wife and her grand kids (my step daughters) she came around. Now if my wife is angry at me, my mother in law is my biggest defender

My husband double-slapped his deeply racist family by marrying an Okinawan woman in the 50's and marrying me, a Hispanic, decades later after her death. His father and grandparents never forgave him or acknowledged his children, although his mother, after divorcing her husband, reached out to him again. She loved her grandchildren, but she always had a tepid relationship with his wife and I'm relieved I never met any of them as I married my husband in the 1980's (he's 20 years older than I am). The fact of the matter is, you're lucky that you have a supportive parent that makes up for the unsupportive relatives on your partner's side. We're a generation or two from winning over a great many more hearts and minds and the Southern Bible Belt will be the last to fall, kicking and screaming. These are the guys that still think the Civil War ended a year ago. Scratch that, they think it's still being fought.

At first, despised me, then started to tone it down when I started to call them on all their crap.

Finally, about six years ago, they actually welcomed me to the family.

I felt so privileged, NOT.

I try to not let it get to me anymore, figure it's their own damn fault, but sometimes I call Bullshit on them.

Anyway, people do hate people. for a lot them, just need an excuse to be ass holes...

at least you get to recognize the asshole for being and asshole.

Because this is so moving and I bet it would be publishable.

Anyway, you should be writing for an even wider audience. Maybe you already do.

just not sure where its place is.

DU has always been mighty appreciative of my efforts though. Makes a fellow feel mighty good when a couple thousand people take the time to read an essay.

Small potatoes compared to a lot of sites, I know, but you all are awesome potatoes to hang around with!

Evangelical, born again, conservative Republican.
I have brothers I've not seen in 30 years.
We drop a line occasionally. But I know to not mention "my life'
while they go on and on about their's.

Oh, they did mention some years back that I'll be burning in Hell, while
they're all up in Heaven.

Oy vey

Well, if they are right, we'll be burning there with ya, so you'll have some mighty fine company.

If they're wrong. Well...weren't they just a bunch of dipshits? eh?

(hell of a family, huh? I am in an interracial marriage and an atheist and my sister is gay ) but I always liked a line from a Billy Joel song- i'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints/ the sinners are much more fun

I'm a mOOOONSTER in real life. :0)

Great!

It's not too early to start working on that Christmas/Chanukah/Holiday/New Year's card.

It's summer, you have tans? Go get nice haircuts, then go to the photographer and get your holiday card picture taken! Make sure it's a snuggler! If you've got matching rings, make sure the hands are in the shot.

Ho, ho, HO! Time to feed the reindeer!

And I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE you for it!!

I'd be willing to wear matching sweaters.

Maybe you could make a little "watermark" for the back of the card that consists of a two-family-name coat of arms. Just to press the point, subtly!

Get those little square address things that go in the upper left corner of the envelope, with your full (hyphenated) return address!

Nothing like details to drive the point home!

You truly are an evil one!! Remind me to never piss you off!

When my brother would make me mad I'd give his kids noisy gifts. Drum sets, plastic bugles, toy guitars, tambourines... he never did learn to stop being such an ass but I had fun watching his face when his kid opened the drumset. I'm smiling and playing it over in my mind as I type.

I have always been a fan of drums, kazoos, tooting horns...and summertime water-blasters!

Revenge is a dish best served wrapped in an overlay of "artistic intentions"

You poured slime into the castle of greystoke, or whatever the heck it was, and it poured down through over your he=man doll. The beauty was, after running all over he=man it ran all over my brother's rugs. The kids just loved it.

"He - Man Slime Pit!!!"



Brilliant!!!!

One kid got the slime pit, one got the drumset. My sister-in-law was really rude to me that year so I was having to work a little over time on my subtle revenge.

My little story - My ex-husband (we were straight, white, young) has a family that is just flat out mean...not to each other (well, usually), but just in general - racist, don't "believe" in "the gays", blah, blah, blah. I dreaded EVERY family function we had to attend, but like you, took the approach that kindness was better than a family fued for the sake of my husband.

One year we were invited to a Halloween party. I went as a black sheep. When asked why, I said sweetly, "oh, because I'm the black sheep of the family". Some would chuckle, some would give me puzzled looks, but most asked my husband later what I meant by that.

And he got to explain to them that I didn't share their intolerant views. It definitely helped make future family functions a little more tolerable for me as they tended to avoid topics they knew would make me mad. It didn't solve the problem, but it at least got it out there that I wasn't one of them.

Oh, and I also by the most obnoxious toys for annoying relative's kids on my side of the family. Revenge is certainly deliscious and you get to be the cool aunt or uncle for buying such fun toys. Win-win.

See, growing up, my brother would find all the Christmas presents and open them up and play with them. Even after they were wrapped under the tree he'd get up at night and unwrap my stuff, play with it, break it, take parts off. Very often, by Christmas morning I'd get a train set with a broken motor, or a mousetrap game missing parts. He would also tear the back pages out of books so you wouldn't know how they ended.

That is why his kids got bugles and drums and noise makers.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.... and my evil plot was 20 years in the making!

Really, it shows you have good character to tolerate something like that without incident.

It's possible that you changed no opinions, but it's also possible that you changed some opinions. You would have been well within your rights to react, but it wouldn't have had the same impact as suffering through it with dignity. No doubt some took notice of the slights, and perhaps they expected you to react. Merely by acting unexpectedly, you forced them to reevaluate you, even if their new evaluation isn't much different than their previous views. Nevertheless, that's the kind of behavior that changes opinions.

Thanks for sharing your story, and please keep us updated if anything changes. It probably wasn't pleasant to type out, but I really enjoyed reading it. Good luck in the future. K&R

And I agree. Spewing venom back only puts me on their level. I chose a higher road and they are very welcome to climb up and join me on it if their souls are so inclined.