Dear Onion

Last edited Sun Oct 27, 2013, 07:43 AM - Edit history (1)

(This is a letter I found scrawled in crayon after a big wind storm blew through; it isn't signed but I think I know who wrote it - my neighbor across the street, the one the white-coat guys came after the other day. Thought I'd better pass it along in case he never makes it home. I know he'd want me to do that for him.)

I've heard that your news magazine is always on the lookout for exposes, and do I have a doozy for you.

Something happened in our tiny MidWest hamlet called BumpInTheRoad over a year ago, and only now can I dare tell about it. At this point I have nothing to lose, because one of those Secret Service men - or maybe it was FBI, who knows - sneaked up from behind, caught me off guard, and clamped a rag with some kind of knock-out drops over my nose. My memory of the occasion has only started to return in the last several days - I think he used too much ether or something - but I swear on Jeff Davis' grave that the following account is true:

It all started when a damnYankee woman moved here to retire she said - but if you believe her, I've got a bridge to sell you. It's in Alaska and doesn't really go anywhere, but never mind, that's beside the point. We've got bigger fish to fry.

I know for a fact that she's one of them spies Obama sent around the country, sorta like sleeper cells, to keep an eye on good conservative white people and rat out anyone who doesn't like him. Well, yeah, she's white too or looks it but who knows about these Obama spies? She could be passing.

Yeah, yeah, I'm getting around to the pint - I mean, point. One night during winter when it gets dark early, I heard a noise out on the street and got off the barcolounger to take a look. The kids hoped it was Santa Claus but I kept telling them, no, it's too soon yet. After grabbing my Patriot pistol - the one I use for target shooting in the woods every weekend with the boys - I mean except during dear season when we all bring our rifles -

Now what was I saying? Oh, yeah... I armed myself and slipped outside to see what all the fuss was about. You'd never believe what I found! All up and down the street, even in the trees, the whole place was swarming with big guys in dark suits and sunglasses. There was a long line of big black cars up and down the whole block, and right there in front of this damnYankee invader's house I saw a stretch limo with fender flags. Some guy jumped out and opened a door on the passenger side, and who do you think got out with music blaring "HAIL TO THE CHIEF!" Right, it was that man in our WH. His wife was with him, too. They went right on in that damnYankee woman's house just like normal people or something. Sure, I'd seen the Neighborhood Watch Meeting signs around for a week, but you know how these spies are. Always trying to act like good citizens to fool you. It's the way they work. I know a commie neighborhood organizer when I see one!

In spite of the snow on the ground, this woman had her doors and windows all wide open, so I saw almost everything from behind the big oak tree in my front yard, directly across from her place. The Secret Service guys all stayed outside to guard against the righteous Tea Party Patriots who live around here, or else I would've snuck up closer to hear what the commies were saying.

Sorry I can't tell you more, but from where I hid, it only looked like That Man In Our White House had come to congratulate her and give her further instructions to help him seize white assets, make it a capitol crime to eat pork, and in general take over the country or maybe even the whole world. Oh yeah, and kill grandma. I could see him pointing out something on that huge map she keeps in the living room with one of them long perfesser sticks they like to use. My militia captain says it has a death ray on the inside, that's the only reason we haven't paid her a welcome-to-the-neighborhood-now-get-out- while-you-still-can visit.

Anyway, after a lot of yakking and hand shaking and yechh, even hugs! they must've finished plotting their next evil scheme, because in less than an hour everybody started to leave. That's when I stepped out from behind the tree and tried to jump in front of the stretch limo to demand some answers, but that coward Secret Service guy got the drop on me. Like I said, he really used too much ether on that rag. My wife says I've been babbling about this for almost a year now until she's starting to believe me too. So even though I was too late to stop anything last time, the whole world - specially Murica - needs to know how those people operate. Next time it might be YOUR street they invade!