The DUzy Awards for March 9th, 2012

Last edited Sat Mar 10, 2012, 12:33 AM - Edit history (1)

[center][big][big][big]WELCOME to the DUZY AWARDS![/big][/big][/big][/center]

Your weekly collection of Viagra jokes, Santorum puns, and wealthy Nigerian princesses in the unknown Universe! (At least, until the Higgs boson is confirmed.)

This week’s improvement: noticing that I misspelled “artificial” and “auxiliary” last week. Since when did “auxiliary” only have one “ell” in it???

[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by Stinky The Clown

[big] **Somebody** has to have that tape "Hard fart battle"[/big]

It was a slip of the tongue and could happen to anyone. But it happened to Eric Cantor as he was endorsing Dog on Car on Meet The Press. He was speaking of the primary battles and how he sees Rmoney as the best choice.

The slip of the tongue just slipped out, but it was hilarious.

edit to add link, courtesy of grantcart: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032608/vp/46619203#46619203

There is a 15 second ad and then it goes right to the piece. The funny part is right at the start, maybe 5 or 10 seconds in. As soon as they go to a closeup of Cantor.

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] Warren Stupidity [/font]
[big] 3. RMoney squeezes out Santorum in hard fart battle. [/big]
That line just writes itself.

[font color=#FF0000]Mr. Whipple sez… “Don’t squeeze the santorum!”[/font]

GD, Mar 4, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002381641


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by ArnoldLayne
[big] Well It's been exactly one week now and Andrew Breitbart is still dead.[/big]

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] Sheepshank [/font]
19. I'm pretty sure a lot of RW bubbles were burst when after day 3 and nothing happened. n/t

GD, Mar 8, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002399802


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]Original post by [font color=#800080] SwampG8r [/font]
[big] search for closet monster unveils time portal under bed[/big]
as many americans will attest closet monsters are a common problem
when monsters squat in your closets they make noises and scare you while trying to sleep
i do not approve of closet monsters i know a lot of you will say "anti-monster discrimination" and "monster rights"
up to a point i agree
monsters are just like anyone else and have a right to self determination
i get that
i would never discriminate against a monster in housing or in hiring or even voting
since most polls are closed before sundown anyways
but i do draw a line at some uninvited monster moving into my closets and rattling my shoes and underwear around in the middle of the night without even offering so much as a "hi nice to meet you"
so when i noticed the telltale droppings in a hall closet i went into antimonster defcon 5 red alert
took off the doors and turned a light on it 24/7
it moved under the bed
if you know about domestic monster infestations i dont have to tell you how much harder my life became
i drained my bed (old school waterbed ) and moved the frame
and there to my surprise is the answer to so many questions
i noticed many years ago i would get into my bed and then at some point black out
several hours later i would come to in the same bed but the time was unaccounted for
i have concluded that the monsters had built a time warp under my bed many years ago
and have been using it from time to time to test my defenses against them by infiltrating closets cabinets attics a toilet tank 2 pillowcases and of course many underbeds
so i moved my bed to the other side of the room and left the time warp area exposed
clever eh? unless they went into the furure and knew what i was gonna do
so far no sign of that

[font color=#FF0000]The time portal also sucks in capital letters. [/font]

The Lounge, Mar 3, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/101868815


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by spooky3
[big] Let's get a couple of facts straight, Rush.[/big]

[font color=#FF0000]Couple… thousand? -Krispos[/font]

(I don't for a minute believe he is confused about these, but he knows his ignoramus audience can be convinced of anything, and having no morals, he is happy to mislead them).

1) Ms. Fluke is a graduate student at Georgetown University. It has a student health insurance plan required of students who are not covered by other plans.

2) Students pay at least $1500 per year for this coverage. The university may also pay for part of it.

3) GU is a private university, not a public university. Tuition is high at GU, and private (not public) donations are growing. The church generally does not provide financial assistance to the university, though it does place priests there, e.g., on the faculty, as advisors for students who seek advice.

4) Although GU is a Jesuit-affiliated institution, it is not a church. Many students, faculty, and staff are members of other religions, or no religion, and are welcomed in order for the school to continue to rise in the quality rankings of top schools.

So, Rush, your "concern" over the taxpayers' having to pay for this coverage is, ah, misplaced. The issue Ms. Fluke is drawing attention to is whether the university should be allowed to specify that the insurance coverage exclude payment for contraception, which may also be utilized for other medical needs.

It's also wrong when people don't realize that "there is no free lunch" and say that this coverage is free or that "insurance" would cover it and therefore no one should be concerned about the costs. Someone will have to pay for this. Student premiums might increase, or the university's share might go up. But as someone pointed out on another thread, this might actually save money in the long run, since medical conditions could worsen without this early care, and pregnancies have greater risk.

But it won't be Rush or the taxpayers who pay even if premiums increased. This means that even his "absurd joke" had not a crumb of a basis in reality.

Don't be disingenuous, Rush. Everyone except your dittoheads sees right through you.

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] 11 Bravo [/font]
[big] 7. Give him a minute. Rush requires 250 mg of Viagra to get ANYTHING straight. [/big]

GD, Mar 4, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002382066


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by SidDithers
[big] I just hit 90 days on the GD Host list...[/big]
I was going to retire early, but then decided I wanted to see what happens when a Host gets to 90 days. I'm curious if there's communication from the admins, or if Super Power's are just stopped. I'll post when I found out

I'd like to add, however, that it's been a pleasure Hosting GD with you over these first 3 months of DU3. I'm 8 days into a term in H&M, and look forward to a much emptier Inbox over the next couple of months.

Keep up the great work

Sid

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] rug [/font]
[big] 2. You will see a bright light. [/big]
Go to it.

Forum & Group Hosts Group, Mar 4, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/124310854


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by TNLib
[big] TNLib[/big]
Amazon Link

Heres an example of the tone of recent reviews for ProFlowers



ProFlowers for the Misogynist in you!, March 3, 2012
By A. Gallo - See all my reviews

ProFlowers on Mother's Day: When you really want to say "I hate you, mom. You should've kept an aspirin between your knees."

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] Aerows [/font]
[big] 28. Couldn't help it [/big]
I contributed this:

I ordered the "make me a sandwich, slut" arrangement, and it didn't produce the desired result. I thought that by sending it, it would make up for calling the woman in question a prostitute and a slut, but it didn't.

Instead, she threw the arrangement at me and told me that not only did she want me to suspend my relations with her, she was making it permanent. She wants to make it permanent and not just "suspend" calling women sluts and prostitutes!?

Now how am I supposed to win with such a hard-headed stance. She could have just made me a sandwich, apologized for getting offended when I called her a slut and a prostitute when I lied about her, and then acknowledged that I was kind enough to buy her the "make me a sandwich, you slut" package. She didn't even have to do anything but open the beer, make me a sandwich and serve it to me. I even acted like I tried to apologize.

Rush Limbaugh"

Also I made sure to note that ProFlowers "suspension" is minor. "Liberty Media" associated with many right wing causes is behind them, including the Koch Brothers. They support it, if they support him saying it, period.
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] Th1onein [/font]
[big] 33. Here is my review: [/big]
Dear Sir,

My name is Obeisai Nahising. I am the mother of the former King of Nopiaudsf. King Noplaudsf died before he could close his account with the Bank of Jailispli. He has no relatives except for myself, and I am being held captive and am very ill. I am trusting you with this information so that you can get this money, in the amount of $800,000,000.00 (Eight hundred million US dollars), out of the account he left. I am willing to give you 30% of the funds if you will help me. Please provide your legal name, address, bank account, social security and phone number information, and return it to me via this email as soon as possible. Also, you must keep this a secret, as there are people who are willing to take this money.

Sincerely,

(former) Queen Nopiaudsf

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] Blue Owl [/font]
[big] 37. The days of swine and roses may be OVER! [/big]
View profile
n/t

GD, Mar 4, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002382785


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]Original post by [font color=#800080] Stinky The Clown [/font]
[big] Man on Dog defeats Dog on Car in Tennessee[/big]
MSNBC just called it

GD. Mar 6, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002393744


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by unionworks
[big] Big Anonymous Bust[/big]
I was having pizza and coffe in my local cafe and this was all over the network news. Haven't seen a word about this is LBN or anywhere else. MSM is claiming the main defendant turned states evidence. (For those unfamiliar with prison slang, this means he snitched everybody out.) This may or may not be true. Anybody else?

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] VWolf [/font]
[big] 10. This thread is useless without pictures [/big]
Or maybe I'm reading the title wrong ...

[font color=#FF0000]Can’t resist…[/font]



[font color=#FF0000]Is this some kind of bust?
Well, it’s very impressive, yes…[/font]

GD, Mar 6, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002393676


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by lame54
[big] Pat Robertson Must Be High[/big]
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/08/us/pat-robertson-backs-legalizing-marijuana.html?_r=1&hp

“I really believe we should treat marijuana the way we treat beverage alcohol,” Mr. Robertson said in an interview on Wednesday. “I’ve never used marijuana and I don’t intend to, but it’s just one of those things that I think: this war on drugs just hasn’t succeeded.”

Mr. Robertson’s remarks echoed statements he made last week on “The 700 Club,” the signature program of his Christian Broadcasting Network, and other comments he made in 2010. While those earlier remarks were largely dismissed by his followers, Mr. Robertson has now apparently fully embraced the idea of legalizing marijuana, arguing that it is a way to bring down soaring rates of incarceration and reduce the social and financial costs.

“I believe in working with the hearts of people, and not locking them up,” he said.

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] hifiguy [/font]
[big] 1. Beelzebub just strapped on ice skates. [/big]


[font color=#FF0000]Wait wait wait… I have to agree with Pat Robertson on something besides “ketchup goes great with french fries??? [/font]

GD, Mar 8, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002400214


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by jefferson_dem
[big] Rush Limbaugh Closes First Hour With Dead Air[/big]
Beautiful silence!

Rush Limbaugh Closes First Hour With Dead Air
March 08, 2012 1:50 pm ET by MMFA Staff

Rush Limbaugh closed the first hour of his radio show on his flagship station, WABC, with 1:03 of dead air Monday.

From WABC's online feed:

While advertisers have fled Limbaugh's show since his misogynistic attacks on Sandra Fluke, the first hour of every show since those attacks aired on March 1 has concluded with at least one ad leading into an ABC News break at the top of the second hour. On Wednesday, the first hour concluded with an ad from Matrix Direct, which has told radio stations to stop airing its ads during The Rush Limbaugh Show.

At least 46 advertisers have reportedly dropped their ads from Limbaugh's radio show since his attacks on Fluke.

Click here for "audio": http://mediamatters.org/blog/201203080008

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] Old and In the Way [/font]
[big] 15. His audience couldn't tell the difference. nt [/big]

[font color=#FF0000]”What? What? Hey, Rush, you’ll have to speak up… I can’t hear you over the background radiation of the universe…”[/font]

GD, Mar 8, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002401202


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]Original post by [font color=#800080] Maine-ah [/font]
[big] Sex Tape![/big]


[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] rurallib [/font]
[big] 2. Clearly! [/big]

The Lounge, Mar 5, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/101870274


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by OKIsItJustMe
[big] Romney’s Latest Clean Energy Attack: ‘You Can’t Drive A Car With A Windmill On It’[/big]
http://thinkprogress.org/green/2012/03/06/438121/romneys-latest-clean-energy-attack-you-cant-drive-a-car-with-a-windmill-on-it/



[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] Blue Owl [/font]
[big] 1. Unless your dog happens to be named "Windmill" [/big]
N/T

Video & Multimedia, Mar 6, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/101715055


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]Original post by [font color=#800080] NRaleighLiberal [/font]
[big] Wow, more bad news for Rush...[/big]
LOLGOP ? @LOLGOP Reply Retweeted Favorite · Open
REPORT: Dead air has asked to not be aired during Rush Limbaugh's show.



GD, Mar 8, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002403014


[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]In an original post by PSPS
[big] Wives find spouse in common on Facebook[/big]
Wives find spouse in common on Facebook

A state Department of Corrections officer is facing charges of bigamy.

By Adam Lynn

The News Tribune

Here's a recipe for trouble:

A woman you left three years ago but remain married to gets Facebook recommendation to "friend" a woman she doesn't know. Unbeknown to her, you married the mystery woman after changing your name.

Wife No. 1 clicks on the link. The mystery woman's profile photo shows you and her in nice clothes standing next to a wedding cake.

Wife No. 1 calls your mom.

Oh, boy.

More at: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2017703840_bigamy09.html

[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] Turbineguy [/font]
[big] 1. I worked with a guy who had three wives. [/big]
At one point they found out about each other. They all came to meet him at the airport. He was made to choose. He chose the Flight Attendant from Tahiti and spent his last years on a beach in the South Pacific.
[div class=excerpt style=background:#FFFFFF][font color=#800080] mike_c [/font]
[big] 2. GAWD I love happy endings.... [/big]
Pass the tissue.....

GD, Mar 9, 2012
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002406609

Thanks to: hootinholler, krispos42, CaliforniaPeggy, underpants, dixiegrrrrl, Matariki, rocktivity, Javaman, DinahMoeHum, Dr. Strange, Ikonoklast, and TBF!


Submitted with a drippy nose and an oblivious cat on the bed,
-Krispos42