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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsA Letter from Rick Santorum - BOROWITZ
Dear American People:
When I think about government-mandated healthcare, I have the same response that any mature adult would have: it makes me want to throw up.
Thats why, on my first day as President, I will repeal ObamaCare. Well, actually, on my very first day Im going to repeal the Renaissance. And also the theory of evolution. But I will definitely get rid of ObamaCare by Day Three, Four at the latest.
You see, ObamaCare runs counter to my well-documented position on personal freedom: I believe in the rights of the unborn child, until its born and wants a checkup.
What will take the place of ObamaCare? As your President, I will institute SantorumCare, a healthcare plan that will cover absolutely no medical procedures whatsoever except one: exorcism.
For many years, possession by the devil has been Americas number one health problem, far more serious than those posed by cigarette manufacturers who have funneled millions to my PACs. You dont have to take Rick Santorums word for it that America is in the grips of a devil-possession epidemic: just watch any episode of Jersey Shore.
Youre probably saying to yourself, Government-mandated exorcisms are a great idea, Rick. But how will we find the devil babies to exorcise? Good question, and I have a good answer: on my first day as President, I will order mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds for every woman in America.
These ultrasounds will be a prerequisite to getting a drivers license at the DMV, where theres plenty of downtime for such a procedure. Additionally, they can be easily and safely performed by TSA employees on the airport security line. If an ultrasound turns up any telltale signs of a devil baby (e.g. horns or tail) well schedule the woman for her government-mandated exorcism there and then.
I hope after reviewing SantorumCare, youll agree that its the best healthcare plan out there for you and your family. But just in case youre not sold yet, maybe this will seal the deal: leeches are 100% covered.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/2012/03/12/a-letter-from-rick-santorum/
dixiegrrrrl
(60,010 posts)yes indeedy.
Borowitz is a funny guy.