Santorum is exactly like Piper Laurie as the mother in "Carrie." He wants to tie America up and lock it in the closet and scream at it and tell it about what "boys want."



President Santorum will oversee the production of government-issued chastity belts which also function as a GPS unit, so that if it detects impure thoughts rising from your nether regions, a member of Homeland Security can speed to your house in an unmarked white van and beat you with a sock full of quarters while quoting Scripture. They will drag you out of your house and do this on your front lawn so you can be an "example" to your neighbors. Photos of the beating will be posted on the White House Website, along with your home phone number, Social Security number, and a complete list of any songs you've illegally downlaoded to your iPhone / iPod.