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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsDoes a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?
Not long ago, I was at a dinner party with several couples in their 40s, all married except for my boyfriend and me. The mood was jovial until, over dessert, one guest made an offhand joke about Internet porn.
His wife took issue, and during a tense back-and-forth between them, the rest of us sensed that we were about to learn way too much about their personal lives. Fortunately, another husband deftly maneuvered to a safe topic for middle-aged parents (kids and screen time!), and after a lively discussion about iPads, we made our excuses to leave.
In the car, I turned to my boyfriend and said, I bet there wont be any sex happening in their bedroom tonight.
He smiled and shook his head. He predicted that the hosts would be the least likely to have sex that night.
I thought he was kidding. This couple were my model marrieds, true equals who share the housework and child care, communicate openly and prioritize each others careers. The best friends of happy-couple cliché. Earlier in the evening, I watched them work together in the kitchen, cheerfully cooking and cleaning: She bringing out the hors doeuvres, and he chopping and dicing. When their 6-year-old woke up with a nightmare, they wordlessly agreed that he would be the one to soothe her. It was the kind of marriage many people wish for.
Exactly, my boyfriend said. Least likely.
Marriage is hardly known for being an aphrodisiac, of course, but my boyfriend was referring to a particularly modern state of marital affairs. Today, according to census data, in 64 percent of U.S. marriages with children under 18, both husband and wife work. Theres more gender-fluidity when it comes to who brings in the money, who does the laundry and dishes, who drives the car pool and braids the kids hair, even who owns the home. A vast majority of adults under 30 in this country say that this is a good thing, according to a Pew Research Center survey: They aspire to whats known in the social sciences as an egalitarian marriage, meaning that both spouses work and take care of the house and that the relationship is built on equal power, shared interests and friendship. But the very qualities that lead to greater emotional satisfaction in peer marriages, as one sociologist calls them, may be having an unexpectedly negative impact on these couples sex lives.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html
This is a long and very interesting article. I think we all know that gender issues can be divisive here so let's try to be extra respectful of each other. Please?
liberal_at_heart
(12,081 posts)Equal marriage. Lots of sex.
Donald Ian Rankin
(13,598 posts)cthulu2016
(10,960 posts)Donald Ian Rankin
(13,598 posts)To speculate blithely without any statistically significant data whatsoever: on average, men want to have sex more often than women do. Therefor it strikes me as plausible that marriages where the man gets his way more often than the woman does would, on average, have more sex than more equal ones. But a) that's pure guesswork, and b) I wouldn't expect that correlation to be strong.
Mosby
(16,358 posts)1.5 times a month less is not a lot imo.
Here is the abstract:
to more egalitarian relationships, and media interest in the debate has crystallized around
claims that men who participate in housework get more sex. However, little systematic or
representative research supports the claim that women, in essence, exchange sex for mens
participation in housework. Although research and theory support the expectation that
egalitarian marriages are higher quality, other studies underscore the ongoing importance of
traditional gender behavior and gender display in marriage. Using data from Wave II of the
National Survey of Families and Households, this study investigates the links between mens
participation in core (traditionally female) and non-core (traditionally male) household tasks
and sexual frequency. Results show that both husbands and wives in couples with more
traditional housework arrangements report higher sexual frequency, suggesting the importance
of gender display rather than marital exchange for sex between heterosexual married partners
Donald Ian Rankin
(13,598 posts)Measurable and probably outside tolerance, but not strong.
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)i have to wonder if they are actually looking at "exchange" sex for housework, or if it was a lazy way of saying it, with the verbiage of women of giving or being bought, one way or another.
i would think that a man doing equal work in the house frees up both parties, giving more opportunity and energy to sex. not necessarily she is paying hubby with sex for doing housework.
language matters, to me.
Mosby
(16,358 posts)Last edited Wed Feb 12, 2014, 01:18 AM - Edit history (1)
This anecdote seems to encapsulate her argument:
Im very attracted to you, she said earnestly. You know when I really crave you? Its when youre just back from the gym and youre all sweaty and you take off your clothes to get in the shower and I see your muscles.
Her husband countered by saying that this very situation had occurred that morning but that his wife became irritated when he tossed his clothes on the floor, which led to a conversation about his not vacuuming the day before, when she worked late. He had worked late, too, which accounted for the lack of vacuuming, but still she hated waking up to a messy room, and it was his turn to vacuum.
Right, she agreed. I wasnt focused on sex, because I wanted you to get out the vacuum.
So if I got out the vacuum, then youd be turned on?
His wife thought about it for a minute. Actually, probably not, she said slowly, as if hearing the contradiction even as she was speaking it. The vacuuming would have killed the weight-lifting vibe.
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)my point. i do not know, and i certainly hope women are not, using sex as a payment for work. or IF this is a conditioning we give to women and it was just automatically picked up as language used when not necessarily the reality.
per this piece, it is saying, no.... she is not paying him with sex to vacuum.
but i love this, cause can be the reminder for the woman to instigate when she wants then say... you didnt vacuum and it is bugging me, when time is more appropriate.
but interesting. thanks.
i will check out to see if it is a payment system, or lazy interpretation. cause i feel it is wrong to say, if lazy interpretation.
CTyankee
(63,912 posts)good god, I'm seeing some real blindness here!
A woman doesn't "pay" her husband with sex for work that he does. It is the appreciation and love of both parties for each other that causes the work by both of them and the enjoyment that both of them experience with sex. That seems so OBVIOUS.
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)never allow to happen (same with using tears) nor allowed it given to me, that was what i was doing. i have sex cause i want it. that simple.
wouldnt let a guy pay my way either, for that reason and about three others.
Blue Owl
(50,506 posts)"The fundies want you to wait until you're married to have sex. Because as we all know, that's when the real fucking starts..."
liberal_at_heart
(12,081 posts)Wait until marriage oh and make sure you don't ask the husband to help out. That will lead to less sex.
treestar
(82,383 posts)So they have less sex. If they are happier about other things, that does not necessarily create a problem.
Seeking Serenity
(2,840 posts)riderinthestorm
(23,272 posts)It used to be that women did ALL of the domestic and child rearing work.
Now men share that burden. And women work.
Its both exhausting AND a libido killer to do it all. Its hard work to manage household, children and a career.
Men are now discovering the horrific toll this takes on a relationship. Its hard to feel sexy when your partner has fallen asleep at the dinner table at 8 pm after a wretched day, and you're prodding them upstairs to bathe the kids. Because you have a mountain of laundry and the quarterly report to finish.
By the time 10:30 pm rolls around there's no energy left for sex.
MadrasT
(7,237 posts)It might be for some people but to others it could be pretty far down the list.
But then I can take sex or leave it, myself.
I understand that for some people it is a big deal... I just don't understand why.