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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsMandatory Wednesday Malloy Truthseeker Check In!! Church Night! Handbook for the Recently Deceased
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Handbook for the Recently Deceased
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Meet the Dead Raising Team (DRT).
http://www.deadraisingteam.com/DRT/Welcome.html
This group of evangelicals has a singular goal to bring your deceased loved ones back to life.
Like the special agents made popular by Mission: Impossible movies, these spiritual super heroes offer unique bereavement counseling - the resurrection of your dearly departed. Nothing is impossible with God, right? Just look at Dick Dead Man Walking Cheney for proof of that.
Now I know youre thinking this sounds like a George Romero movie, but the DRT is deadly serious. Its ministry is led by Tyler Johnson, aka The Chosen One, who claims his reanimation skills are so divinely powerful that he is given access to accident scenes and allowed to pass crime scene tape to minister to the recently murdered. Americans Against the Tea Party has this to say:
The Chosen One and his team of make-believe Messiahs travel boldly from hospital to hospital, mortuary to mortuary in search of the next corpse upon which to pray, and the next believer upon whose emotions to prey. Recently, the ministry appeared in a documentary called Deadraisers, a film that focuses on the DRT and others who feel empowered by God to raise the dead. Unfortunately, empirical evidence failed to produce itself during the filming of the documentaryall corpses upon which the group attempted to work its magic remain completely, totally, and utterly deceased. BBC notes that His Chosen-ness is unwilling to provide any evidence of his alleged successes at all, instead citing some rather unconvincing cases. One such example is an American heart surgeon who purportedly revived a heart attack patient armed ONLY WITH THE POWER OF JESUS oh, and a defibrillator.
On March 3, the group posted on Facebook that: Your faith completely rests upon the foundation that One Man was raised from the dead. Dead raising isnt an off-shoot, borderline, fringe, idea. Dead raising is completely central to everything you believe.
As Dana Carveys SNL Church Lady would say: How conveeeeeeenient. If your loved one isnt prayed back to life, its your fault. You didnt have enough faith. Werent a true believer. How about a heaping helping of guilt to go with your grief? Check out the video of the crew hard at work, bending over a casket. I guess their miracle erases the embalming process. If not, Uncle Bob is going to really miss his internal organs when hes back at the dinner table next Sunday night. Better stick to the soup.
So how do you join this awesome group of Gods holy First Responders? That is, assuming you have a deceased (recently, one assumes) relative you want to bring back to life? Or perhaps youre a wannabe Messiah and merely wish to acquire the power of life and death? Well, the DRT is recruiting! To wit:
Delving into the reality of resurrection power, this training is for those who desire to walk in the miraculous, especially pertaining to raising the dead. We realize this is uncommon for most; thus, the training starts with more basic teaching and builds from there. Those that go through this training will have the option to be a part of the first DRT in their region.
Topics Covered:
-Commissioned to Raise the Dead
-The Theology of Dead Raising (The Supremacy of Christ)
-Accounts of Dead Raising in History and The Present
-The Foundation of Life (Immortality)
-The Practicals of Dead Raising (Includes Q&A)
Tyler Johnson studied theology at Biola University, and is a graduate of Bethels School of Supernatural Ministry in Redding, California. He is a husband, father, author, international conference speaker, and missionary. He functions primarily in healing, miracles, prophetic evangelism, and a spirit of revelation. He and his wife, Christine, founded and direct The Dead Raising Team, have written four books, and are being used by God to spread fire and revival in the nations.
And its only $40.00! Less than the cost of a family dinner at Red Lobster and you could be creating your very own zombies! Think of the possibilities. Wouldnt you be the hit of your next birthday party if you could get ELVIS to perform for your guests? (That is, if hes really dead . . . . )
Hmmmm . . . . I wonder if any of this would work on the Democratic Party?
- KBM
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Kisses from momma
https://twitter.com/EmrgencyKittens/status/443905534409068544/photo/1
what do you mean you have to study?
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Liberal_Dog
(11,075 posts)Hi cal04. Hello Everyone.
cal04
(41,505 posts)ralps
(77,738 posts)ralps
(77,738 posts)ralps
(77,738 posts)Liberal_Dog
(11,075 posts)Squee!
ralps
(77,738 posts)Liberal_Dog
(11,075 posts)Liberal_in_LA
(44,397 posts)ralps
(77,738 posts)cal04
(41,505 posts)thank you
Liberal_Dog
(11,075 posts)ralps
(77,738 posts)cal04
(41,505 posts)ralps
(77,738 posts)ralps
(77,738 posts)niyad
(113,434 posts)the truth!! and that poooooor canine kitsitter!! lots of kreme!! and the gif--all have certainly made my night. please give crook a big hug from me, and I wish you both a wonderful and peaceful evening.
ralps
(77,738 posts)tnlefty
(16,529 posts)Hoping that everyone is well! Warm and sunny for the past 2 days and now windy and cold...yuck.
I'm now referring to the Tn General Assembly as the Carnage Assembly! These damned things were outlawed when I was a kid. If this eventually passes, along with the crazy gun bills, I suppose we can just shoot and stab each other all over the place. Idiot bastards! http://www.timesfreepress.com/news/2013/mar/08/senate-oks-bill-to-legalize-switchblades/?local
cal04
(41,505 posts)Hope all is good with the family. How are the boys?
warm here for a couple of days too
supposed to get rain and snow
Thanks for the link
tnlefty
(16,529 posts)A NASTY stomach bug went through 4 of us beginning last week and thru the weekend...I was felling like Linda Blair in the Exorcist for a day. The lone holdout had 'fun' with that today, and Lucas came home from work today with a diagnosis of strep throat and the antibiotics to treat it!
How's everyone at your place? The explosion in NYC looks really bad from afar!
cal04
(41,505 posts)Hope you're feeling better
we had 8 kids out of our class today
Hoping the rest of us don't get it
Liberal_Dog
(11,075 posts)It was 74 degrees here yesterday--now it is 31 degrees. Quite a dramatic change.
tnlefty
(16,529 posts)Hoping that you're well! It was 75 here, and it was still comfortable after sundown. I hope we're not in for another tornado spring. I'm not sure that I can deal with another bout of that. I noticed today that trees are still standing with the bark stripped off from the EF3 that tore shit up here 2 yrs. ago.
ralps
(77,738 posts)tnlefty
(16,529 posts)We're making it here, except for being ruled by crazy assed people!
Brigid
(17,621 posts)I think the little girl and the little kitteh are friends for life!
me too
Liberal_Dog
(11,075 posts)ralps
(77,738 posts)niyad
(113,434 posts)those pics were adorable, cal04
Thank you
niyad
(113,434 posts)LEAVE ME ALONE. Do NOT attempt to bring me back, I wish to be left in peace.
what unbelievable arrogance these cretins possess.
alp227
(32,037 posts)see my LBN post from March 2: http://www.democraticunderground.com/1014743381
thanks for the link
ralps
(77,738 posts)alp227
(32,037 posts)since Nebraska upset Wisconsin last weekend? seriously what happened to the Badgers, they were once #3 in the nation.
ralps
(77,738 posts)cal04
(41,505 posts)It's up now
tnlefty
(16,529 posts)Have a great tomorrow!