Iraq--had they only listened...

George, I Couldn't Agree With You More
April 23, 2002
By RastaBob Martin

The Middle East peace mission, except for a few buildings left standing in Jenin, was an unqualified success. Coupled with the traitorous vote on ANWR and the coup failure in Venezuela (no doubt due to Bill Clinton's failure to employ enough CIA operatives in Caracas), the road to Baghdad is open. You simply have to get the relevant world behind us.

The argument to the American people (and they all love you, George) is that we can't get oil out of Alaska nor Venezuela and all the Arab states hate us, so we have to take Iraq. The argument to the Arabs follows, and the rest of the world is irrelevant.

Many worry about the next ruler of Iraq. Don't. You have the perfect successor at your right hand. Yes, Dick Cheney. Not only has he the experience working in Iraq with Haliburton Oil, but he's the perfect guy to hide in Saddam's twenty palaces.

Once you get Dick in place, it's only a 5-4 SCOTUS ruling to statehood, two Republican Senators (there is no "Democratic Guard" in Iraq), countless House members and all the oil we can use. The advantages over Alaskan oil are great where we would have to drill and the state already has two Republican Senators.

As for Venezuela, we would be fighting a war in jungles rather than the desert of Iraq. You may (or may not) recall, the Vietnam War was fought in jungles (we lost) while the Gulf War was fought in the desert (we won, sorta).

Now, the Arabs. They don't really hate us, that's what you tell the American people. You will not be lying (like that last ne'er-do-well president). It's disinforming. The kind of truth that could have come out of that office in the Pentagon had the media (I need not say liberal) not thwarted its creation.

Back to the Arabs. They really want Saddam gone and an American border they can easily cross to enjoy the fruits of democracy. They just don't know if we are ready to step up and take out the Mother of All Dictators. After all, the Taliban were babes in the brutality business.

They would like to see us prove ourselves and what better way than the take out the Father of All Dictators, Fidel. It would be easy. Ninety miles and away and much smaller than Afghanistan, it shouldn't take more than a week.

The only drawback is that it would be cheap. Not much need for defense dollars. As a matter of fact, we could do it on the very cheap. We've got all those prisoners at G'Mo we don't know what to do with. Strap them in true bomber jackets and drop them on Havana. The war will end before we run out of Al-Qaedas.

One word of caution. These are not smart bombs and we must be careful not to drop them on areas populated by tobacco plants. Access to Cuban cigars is an important objective and one Americans can sink their teeth into. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

Once Cuba falls, the world unites behind Iraqi statehood and your name George will join the great one-named leaders: Genghis, Adolf, Benito, Tojo, Osama, and, well, Saddam and Fidel.

By the way - annex Iraq, but keep Cuba for your family. You deserve it.




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