NFL ANNOUNCES TED NUGENT AS SUPER BOWL 49 HALFTIME PERFORMER

In an effort to stem the tide of negative publicity, the NFL has announced that rocker Ted Nugent will be the halftime performer of Super Bowl 49 on February 1, 2015 at University of Phoenix Stadium in Arizona.

“First of all, yes, we’re holding a Super Bowl at a stadium named after a for-profit, online university,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell proudly stated. “And we’re also pleased to confirm that we have booked the extremely popular and exciting Ted Nugent to rock the stage in Glendale.”

Much to Goodell’s chagrin, the announcement was met with outrage due to Nugent’s controversial views on everything. Goodell defended the decision.

“C’mon, Cat Scratch Fever is awesome and Ted promised he wouldn’t bring any loaded guns to the game,” said Goodell. “We thought this news would shift the focus away from the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson situations, and the way we keep dousing them with gasoline. Which reminds me, there will be amazing pyrotechnics during the show. America will love it!”


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