those that are still with us. I lost my mom when I was 3, so life seems even more precious to me. There are several times a week when I hug my husband or my children that I realize that they could be gone tomorrow and then I hug them just a little bit tighter.

Kind of feeling that way too, while similarly no 'real' problems. Missing family that WAS together that is no longer so, tho we are, mostly, emotionally.

we are a big skiing family. There is a little hill outside our western town that is very family-oriented, low-key. The record high temps and lack of snow is literally making us depressed, I believe. I'm not sure how we are going to adapt to these climactic changes. And that's only the recreation piece. If we don't have snowpack we are screwed next summer. We had the biggest wildfires ever in the state last summer. The smoke is choking, even where the fire doesn't threaten. I hope I am being Chicken Little, but I don't see things improving in the immediate future. Sorry to be so depressing! Thanks for your comments.

That's why we have Christmas.

Also, retail sales

That is why they put those kiosks in the malls, to break up the monotony.

Merry Christmas!

Though I usually spend Christmas alone, so this is nothing new. When I was working and had more autonomy, I would see a movie and go out to eat on Christmas day. Now it's just another day. My mom has sent me a small present (a book) to open. A neighbor also surprised me with a wrapped present that I saved for tomorrow.

Tonight I'm feeling unusually depressed. The main problem is I'm still not employed, and I've been overwhemed with a lot of bureaucratic problems that undercut me at a time when I needed to figure out how to be at my best. Now I'm worried about getting disqualified from the programs that help me pay my rent (because my medical condition has improved) before I'm able to pay the rent on my own. I've been so stressed out and depressed over it, I feel this is a disability caused by the process itself. But if I say that to anyone, they will just say I'm looking to add on another reason to extend my checks.

So I will spend Christmas wallowing over my situation and fearing the mailbox because it might have a bunch of bureaucratic letters with bad news.

I hope you find employment. I was laid off from my fulltime job last year. Am now pursuing a new license in my field. Have gotten through every hurdle except the final licensing exam. If it all comes together, it will be great. But still a lot of anxiety.

Do you have other support or outlets?

I'm an introvert, so hanging out with people isn't very helpful for me anyway. I just have to hang in there and see what comes next.

There really should be more support under people as they go through these sorts of changes, though.

People just don't realize how much work it is to break into all the houses, steall all the food, decorations and presents and then haul them up to to top of Mt. Crumpet and toss them down the other side. So far I have done about a billion houses, so now I am taking a 15 minute break.

fell off the wagon and he was so down that I wanted to cry with him. instead I told him that tomorrow was another day and he could start again. Tonight and tomorrow I am going to be home alone with the pup because family went down to the cities to visit family there. Way too quiet here. On Sunday will celebrate again with the other daughter.

But thanks to DU I am not down like I was on thanksgiving. Am working on changing my own life for the better and that gives me something to do. Will be moving into something more affordable than where I am now. Then instead of being broke I will actually have some money to help others for a change. But first I have to find a good used easy chair and a decent computer chair as my back is killing me from this one. Then I am going to start living differently. Eating better, volunteering, spending quality time with my great grandchildren and just plain do what I can to make this world a better place.

that helping others is one great way to feel worthy and gratified. Good on you, and Merry Christmas!

online buddies across the country!

I think of so many times years ago when I felt depressed and alone during those holidays until I finally just decided that I was not going to feel that any longer. It takes some doing, some changing/lowering of social expectations, but we all have a right to celebrate and be happy in our own ways - and to make that happen for ourselves.

Gosh, as I look back, I never thought I would hit an advanced age and be single again, and yet it happened. It took a few years of adjustment, but I take some pleasure in the more simple things in life. I often think of a character in one of Armistead Maupin's novels "Tales of the City" - a transgendered landlady who runs an apartment house in San Francisco, when she describes her tenants as her "logical family" - the ones we choose to have in our lives. Maupin's books are wonderful - if you aren't familiar with them, the first one was made into a movie in 1994 or 1995 - you can watch it all on hulu (without membership) or most of it on youtube.

Here is the beginning of the Christmas part of that film:

.. I don't know what I would do without them. Who knew.. say as close as in the '90s that this would be possible.. certainly not moi.

I understand those few years of adjustment you're talking about.. for any of the changes we go through. Glad you're able to take pleasure in the simple things.. Sometimes we're without even the necessities on the Island here and then we really appreciate those basics like water, electricity, and wifi!

[font color=blue] Peace, Love, & Aloha~[/font]

I live alone, at least 800 miles from any family. I made the move six years ago after a divorce, and it was the right thing for me to do, but I miss family.

However, I've made new friends in my new city, and this is the first year I am not working on Christmas. I worked at the local hospital five years, which is why I worked holidays. This evening I spent with a couple of good friends and they fixed traditional pancakes -- I think it's a Danish tradition -- then played cards and had a good time.

Tomorrow I'll talk to family, fix myself a nice ham dinner, and make the best of it.

I'm guessing that you really do prefer living way out in the country as you do. Embrace that. Don't let that become a source of sadness. But if it is, you might seriously consider moving back "into town." Meanwhile, rejoice in what you have, what you love best about your rural life.

We all make various choices, as I did in my move, and sometimes not all of it is good. I try to focus on what is good about my life.

Oh, and I made my move at age 60, and it's never too old to start over!

Merry Christmas!

Yes, I am aware that I have made many of these choices willingly, and with full knowledge. I've also generally preferred animals to humans, and am fortunately surrounded by them. I'm not a real avid "joiner," and over the years have probably turned down opportunities to be part of communities and hold myself off more independently.

I think I'm more concerned for my daughter, but maybe she's a little bit like me anyway. I think it's the expectations of Christmas, that we'll be surrounded by family and friends, versus my reality, which is often one of more solitude. The close friends I do have are far away, or with family here. People like and respect us here, but we aren't part of a group. I wonder how this will play out as we age. I do hope for our daughter a different future. I think people by and large are happier when they have a richer network - people who check in on them, who expect them, who wait for them. It may be hard to understand, but the weather / climate is having a big effect on us, as well. As well as being sick.

I don't know, though, I think you are correct Sheila. "Embrace" what we have. Focus on the good. And I, too, am starting over at 60, professionally - so I agree with you there, as well!

Thanks, and Merry Christmas.

I don't know if you saw this before or not. I find it very comforting.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=4484208

Merry Christmas to you, too!

Thank you. I'm going to try to print it out and save it.

It sucks. It sucks rocks, no, boulders, no, glaciers. It's the Mt. Everest of suckage.

I've accepted this is just going to suck until it stops sucking. I'm on the brink of disaster but I figure once this gets resolved one way or the other I have no choice but to move forward.

I will be rooting for you right along with myself. I hope you have good friends like I do, and, believe it or not, our cats have been awesome. The hardest habit for me to break seems to be the use of the words "we" and "our." There is no more we, no more our. I will be thinking of you today.

especially about the farm, which was a "we" i really loved.
and "we always". no more always unless i always.

but i am also enjoying the absence of that inner voice of his constant disapproval and anxiety. autonomy has it's rewards.

so we can support you.

I will keep you in my heart.

It sounds like you are a survivor!

we have a friend whose husband lost his 3 year battle with esophageal cancer on Dec 7th.
His wife's 60th birthday was 2 days later. They had been married a little more than
30 years, too.

I had to laugh at your description of it being the "Mt. Everest of suckage". That's a
great description.

I hope that you have a ton of good memories, too.

Sending you a cyber-hug.

He passed on the 17th last year but I have no memory of last Christmas. This one Has been just as rough as can be.

He was in a nursing home with vascular dementia which destroyed his short term memory due to living with Type I DM for 55 years, but seemed in reasonably good health. He said he felt a little blah when I spoke to him on Tuesday. Wednesday morning he laid down to take a nap and never woke up. I will be thinking of you today.

I can't possibly express the pain I feel for you. I've been married 34 years, mostly good, and he is a good man. I can't bear to think of being in your shoes. I hope there are loved ones with you to share his memory with you and support you.

When I have gone through great loss in my life, I found that the 1st year the pain was the most vivid: the first birthday, anniversary, Christmas. So, I feel you. Maybe, by my picking up a little of your pain, it will ease yours just a bit.

Blessings and healing I wish for you!

under 'Video & Multimedia' Steve Carlson, 'HAVE YOURSELF A HELL OF A TIME". Highly recommend it. More than a Christmas Song, it's really a Song for America. It should go viral. I've sent to friends and watched 10 times it's so great! Music for the soul. The holidays are fine so far, some sibling tension, but all is well.
You sound like you have a fine place, and nuclear family at least. We must all be grateful I Know.
Thanks for the post & thoughtful inquiry. Holidays can be stressful and strange, but still a blessing.

It's kinda a relief because now I don't expect joy should happen according to the calendar but it comes back when it does. That's the way it is.
I am alone. I have a cold. I was going to go to work but they cancelled me. I was counting on going to work because they were having a meal for staff. I do have a fruitcake and slimjims. Here's the story about why I have them.
Last week I was wallowing in immobility which didn't bother me but I had so many people ask me what I was going to do about the holiday this year since my husband recently died. I felt compelled to be social but since I'm an atheist there wasn't to much non religious stuff to do. I normally don't let Christians bother me but I wasn't so sure I could stop myself from yelling fuck you at some poor person just trying to pray for me probably in front of children But I found a charity drag event and went there and had a good time. However I am too old to party and came down with something. Sick as a dog. So I tried calling grief counsellors and setting something up because I am starting to question my ability to cope. Gave up. I figured I'm just one of those people who just doesn't want help.
Anyway. I've been laying on the couch coughing for days with one of those sinus headaches that you can't move. I ran out of human dog cat and horse feed. It got so the herd of cats were watching me laying on the couch and I believe one of them said when she falls asleep we'll start gnawing on her toes. So I said oh yeah I'm laying here wondering if my plane crashed in the Andes which one of you cats would I eat 1st.
Then it hit me. The feed store makes deliveries to the large farms so I called and explained that animals were turning on me and could they just send some feed over. And if they had any feed they thought a human could eat. I dunno deer corn something. So they delivered the cat dig horse feed, slimjims and a fruitcake in a can. Apparantly I did have my wits about me enough that I had enough wine stocked up
I feel better tonight. I ate. Animals ate. I talked to my grandson. I'm going to take a shower.

it's tough to be an atheist with the Christians on such an xmas high!

Glad you got the fruitcake, someone had to eat it!

my very best to you

and thanks for making me (us all here) laugh a little!

I have cats, dogs, horses, too (and chickens). These creatures have saved me over and over and over, throughout my life. They are a source of companionship, entertainment, compassion, and thrills. When the wildfires came (again) this summer, the horses were the only ones who understood my quiet panic, and cooperated beyond their capabilities, through the moves. I got my first dog in college, and she traveled with me everywhere. I've never been without since. One, Howdy, is now going on 17, and still runs down to feed with me, and goes on walks.

And you know what, I actually hate Christmas. There, I said it. Raised a humanist, currently a non-practicing pagan, and a social Unitarian, there was a brief time when I at least thought of a man named Jesus who was compassionate and revolutionary, and the amazing things it said about us that someone like him would be revered through the ages. Then I learned that Paul (?) probably made him up, and I saw the sick hypocritical cultishness around that idea, and I can't even honor this Christian celebration, any more.

I do honor the solstice, and the turning from shorter to longer days. My love of the earth and everything natural on it is now a source of pain, given what we are doing to her. I'm going to work on it. I need to find something to hold onto. I need to turn.

Glad things are going better for you! Sending you best wishes for the new year!

I appreciate that people think I'm supposed to be celebrating something today but the sun is shining here today and this is where I still feel close to my husband. It's all going to change soon enough so I'm hanging on to this and to my animals a little bit longer.
I was up at 0600 and my 2 old dogs came out to help me feed my 2 old horses. We are all getting old here. One old horse is 35 and has no teeth so I have to soak alfalfa cubes for her. She's a hairy beast this winter and I keep thinking is this the year I put her down. This morning it was foggy and she was bucking and farting waiting for her bucket of mush. Old girl said not today.

In truth, all I really need is the quiet, the trees, the land, and my animals. It feels so good to do for them. Their gift to us.

I hope your mare's passing - when it's time - is gentle. We had to put down an old friend a couple years back. A beautiful gelding who was my friend for 20+ years. We had a lot of adventures together, and he was very generous and kind to me. I cut off some pieces from his tail and they hang on my wall. I hear you can also have jewelry made from their horsehair. It's a comfort.

Blessings and love to you and yours!

Decades ago on a long departed friend we rode before dawn on untouched snow before any other footprints through the forest by moonlight reflecting off the whiteness that peaked through the branches of trees. All sounds were muffled the world was still. I rode bareback and was warmed by my friend. The only sound was the huffing of her frosty breathing and the soft tinkle of icicles hanging off her mane and tail.

as well as a memory.

Beautiful. No words right now. Just soaking it in.

Thank you so much.

one starts losing family. At which time, it is an increasing circle of friends that will keep the community feeling alive.

At 59, I am the oldest living member of a very shrunken family. My greats lived into their 90's and I knew most of them...The grands did too...then we lost the next generation to smoking-related illnesses. My brother just died, a year younger than I; he had cut himself off from his family because he was angry with us for not destroying our father's will and trust. He wanted a lot of money, fast, not an allowance.

There's two great hungers: money, and love. Those who have neither, what do they do to live?

You have love, and enough money.

If your circle is stressing out, cast a wider circle. This you have done, with DU. We are here for you, we are here for each other. (Most of us, anyway. )

Thank you.

Glad I started this thread.

I so can't relate to the money thing. Just enough to live on, be comfortable. That's so much more than most have. Excess money disgusts me.

Love is good, great.

Thanks for your great ideas.

Blessings to you in the new year.

I, too, am feeling deep sadness. I won't write again why because I don't want to be seen as a person telling the same story over and over or seeking sympathy, but I am not dealing with things very well at all this year. I can't seem to find peace at all and filling my holiday with work to keep me busy hasn't helped one bit. I really wish you peace and happiness.

I will keep you in my thoughts. Thank you.

For many of us, it is a time of regret for loss of our childhood and things not being the way they should be. My mother is still alive at 95 but in end stages of dementia. Before that, she suffered from schiz. Holidays were always about stress. She would end up fighting with her mother or siblings. She made holidays hell...always an argument or complaint about something. Christmas was something to dread.

My father died on Christmas day in 1998. For some reason, the memory of that is not the downer I would expect, even though I was close to him and miss him. But that really set my mother off.

My wife had to put up with nonsense from my mother for twenty years. Then we divorced but we are still friends.

I met Joyce 25 years ago. She had to put up with my mother's antics but not to the degree that my wife did. Eight years ago, my mother was placed in the dementia unit at an assisted living facility. That was the last holiday she ruined for me. For four years, holidays became times of fun.

Joyce died in June of 2013. I have kids and grandkids that I enjoy. Still, there are times during the week that I will get sad wishing Joyce was still here. But I have friends and family still here.

My health is good at age 72. I have never been a patient at a hospital. I am not rich but my SS and pension provide what I need and leave money at the end of the month. So yes, things for me should not suck. There certainly are people having it worse than I do.

I guess, for most of us, holidays are times of good and bad.

It has been a crappy week and my pity party has hit an all-time Christmas Eve epic proportion. It began on Sunday when I got hit with the nasty stomach bug that is circulating. Stomach cramps so bad that I thought I would be calling 911. Finally today I felt that I was well enough to attend midnight mass at my church. Christmas Eve is my all time favorite service that I haven't missed in years. I got myself together, dressed and in the car ready to go (albeit a bit shaky). I turned the key and guess what.....yup! something broke in my engine and the car refused to start.

I returned to my computer chair and had a major meltdown. Not just for the things that I've been going through since Sunday but for being alone, childless, little to no family and all that dang joy and cheer on the television.

Tomorrow I will remember all the blessings that I do have. I will have dinner with a dear friend and figure out how on Friday I will get my car fixed. Tonight, I give thanks for the safety and comfort of DU to just be able to vent.

truly awful! But your spirit is inspiring!

Yes, safety and comfort, and genuine caring. Since I posted my OP, the comments here have sustained me. To see so many others going through the same feelings; ; to hear stories that break my heart; to hear and learn how others are coping; to receive the kind words of caring. It's been a big help.

I hope it helps you, too. I hope things are better for you today and tomorrow.

Merry Christmas.

However, my OP tonight.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/1218172982

Merry Christmas to you my good friend.


And to all my DU friends...

Thank you! I've seen it, but not with your deep eye. I should order it up on Netflix and give it another go.

Thanks for the recommendation!

and I'm getting caught up on my backlog of Mentalist episodes. It's a wild night, I tell ya!

I choose Christmas Day as a personal retreat day. And I understand that not everyone wants to be alone. I have enjoyed the outdoor decorations this year. Also have enjoyed holiday music on the music channels of our cable 'service' here in the mobile home park. Hope the day slides by for you and that you are blessed with a good 2015.

I completely understand what you mean about complaining when others have it worse, or much worse. Still, I don't buy into the concept that other people's problems somehow make yours better, or you should, at the very least, not feel yours as deeply. For sure, other people's awful situations only make me feel worse. I think it's all about showing some discretion and grace when it comes to talking about the ones we have.

All that being said, I'm going to vent a bit anyway.

My parents have been gone for years, and my only child has always been pretty self-contained and solitary. He works graveyard, as the night manager of a hotel, and I only see or talk to him when I call him. He has no more use for holidays or occasions than what will mollify his mother (my ex) and me, so works all of them that he can, for the overtime. He isn't even keen on the concept of family, although he is genial and respectful enough.

My only sibling died on Monday from Progressive Supranuclear Palsy, which is part of a subset of Parkinson's. She was 55, and was disintegrating daily. A woman who received a Master's from Oxford on full scholarship that couldn't fully grasp what was happening to her any more. Shattering.

And tonight, I hit a pedestrian with my car.

Turned off a bright, well-lit street onto a much darker side street, and luckily, was going quite slowly on account of that. The pedestrian is African-Canadian (a 20-year old named Stella), and very dark complected. She was wearing all black clothing, had ear buds in and my wife said she was looking at her phone. Seriously...she was a shadow in the shadows until she was RIGHT in front of me, and that was either all I focused on, or all I can remember. What I know for sure was that I saw was a terrified face in my headlights, no farther away than 2 feet from my front bumper.

She wasn't *badly* hurt - responsive and had movement in all limbs - but shaken up and hurt badly enough to make anyone glad it hadn't happened to them, and taken away in an ambulance.

The police said it wasn't my fault. Not even a ticket for failing to yield right-of-way, but still...

This is a Christmas quite filled with angst. I can certainly relate to someone not feeling full of the joy we are led to expect.

pedestrian are all safe.

That's odd. Very odd. Do pedestrians not have the right of way at all times in Canada?

Crossing the street in the dark at places that are not crosswalks
can be very dangerous.

How sad and scary. Hopefully she will make a full recovery, and you are no doubt relieved it wasn't your negligence that caused it.

Maybe you can connect with her? Make some sort of new connection - I don't know if this is something you are interested in.

Thanks for understanding my pain, and I totally agree with your 1st paragraph. I think it's total bullshit that we are supposed to feel better by seeing someone worse off than ourselves. Crap - that only makes me feel worse!

What I get from helping others, including when I'm really down, like now, is the feeling that my life is worth something by easing someone else's misery. When I had a full-time job I think I donated as much $$ to organizations as I spent on myself and family! I just feel it's the price of receiving life's bounty. I look forward to working full-time again, so I can resume my giving.

Your story of your sister is heartbreaking. It's so easy to take good health for granted.

I hope your son finds what sustains him. Maybe he already has.

Blessings.

relatives at Tgiving so that I can enjoy peace and quiet at Cmastime. I took my dogs on a 2 hour night walk for Cmas eve. We are all happy. I started a big inside painting project today since I knew no one would be bothering me. It will take about 2 or 3 more days.

I've hated--just hated--Christmas ever since 1988 when I thought a difficult pregnancy was going to be ok.
I'm pretty sure I had lost a twin in late October--and by Christmas everything seemed to be ok with
the remaining fetus.

Then, in January, our daughter was stillborn at 22 weeks.

So, for me, ever since then, Christmas has been a false promise of hope. It made it very difficult to
continue to celebrate for our children as they were growing up. I would bury my feelings and DO the
stuff that was supposed to make everyone happy.

A couple of years ago our oldest son decided he no longer wanted to celebrate Christmas. Refused to accept
gifts. Our youngest son was out of the country last year--so no need to celebrate--and now is in grad
school in another state. When he comes back, he lives with his boyfriend. Today--Christmas day--they have
invited us to dinner and to go see "Into the Woods". So, it won't be like Christmas past, but my husband and I will
be with them today.

I think it's hard to find new traditions, new ways of being with friends when one wants companionship, and family
doesn't fill that need.

your memories and experiences are heartbreaking. It's true that once a holiday or anniversary is tarnished, it's hard to bring back the luster. I always worry for people when there is a death around the holidays, for the very reasons you recall. Do you think your sons intuited your withdrawal growing up, and perhaps that is why Christmas is not such a big deal to them?

On a far lesser note, I recall a Valentine's Day when my husband and I were locked in conflict (cold and steely, as is his style) and our daughter painted us a fabulous Happy Valentine's painting which we still display. Whenever I look at it, it remends me of the ludicrousness and sadness of that day, and makes it difficult to celebrate with full heart.

Sometimes memory is not our friend.

Thank you for sharing. I hope your husband is also your good friend. (As mine is; just through 34 years, it hasn't always been a bed of roses. )

including one whose husband just died on Dec 7th. They knew it was coming--esophageal cancer
over three years--but still, he started going downhill rapidly before Thanksgiving. Her 60th birthday
was 2 days after he died. How's that for unMerry Christmas?!?

I don't know. My oldest has become an atheist--so that's his reason for not wanting to celebrate
Christmas. The boys when they were growing up seemed to love the holiday. We were never
overly religious about it--although I used to sing in church choirs before we moved here in 2000.
I don't think I've been in a church except for a funeral or organ performance the whole time
we've lived here.

Yes, I can imagine over the course of 34 years there are lots of ups and downs. We've certainly
had our share. It will be 30 years next May that we'll have been married.

humanist, pagan, atheist, whatever sustains you...

upon you and yours. Thanks for sharing.

Both "enforced merriment" and "enforced sorrow" fall uner this aegis. If you're not feeling happy on December 25---a date which the most devout of theologians well tell you is months removed from the (alleged) Christ's actual birthdate---it simply means that you're not feeling happy on December 25. Despite all the efforts of the mercantile class, you are not required to feel happy on this day! Please, do NOT give in to the propaganda of Hollywood, Washington, or---most importantly---Madison Avenue, for today is one of 365 and nothing more!

My wife passed out several hours ago from the nog, so, I can legitimately say it's been hard for me to get to sleep, even in this most wee of hours, if you catch my none-too-subtle drift. (I did mention that she's a total MILF, didn't I?)

Hang in there, friend: You'll feel better when you feel better, for such is the human manner..

Christmas was never the same. He and I hung out and did projects all year, every Christmas eve for around 10 years we would 'tie one on'. We didn't drink throughout the year, only Christmas eve. After his death we still had Christmas with my mom and sister. ..it was always good and my family close. Two years ago my mother died and last year my sister.

We expect our parents to die, difficult as it is. I was prepared for my sister's death as she suffered with pancreatic cancer for two years. It wasn't until an hour after her death that I realized, I was prepared for her death, not the profundity of the loss of my entire childhood family...my holidays have been...a bit depressing.

I still have my lovely wife, her semi disfunctional family. Also have my son and step son (both 24) who are great and at a fun age...both live in Denver as of last May so we will be doing New Years eve there partying with them...maybe a new holiday tradition. ...I feel a little incomplete this holiday season.

Merry Christmas all...

And your lovely wife. Your post puts a big lump in my throat. "The profundity of the loss of my entire childhood family..." There were things I needed to say to both my parents, that I never got a chance to. I was 43 when they both died, which sounds plenty mature and full-grown, but I was late to mature. I didn't have my child until age 37. So many things I didn't realize or have the maturity to say to them. And no closure.

I think you put it in really good terms that help me understand my situation better. Thank you pipoman.

I have decided to chalk this holiday season up to acceptance and understanding of what the season is about for me. I have always done a lot of volunteer work all year and slowed down during the holidays because the causes I am involved with tend to have all of the volunteers they need during the holidays.

This year I was asked to prepare a free thanksgiving dinner for 1000 seniors by a local charity (I am a cook). This was a great event and was a great start to the season. I decided today that I am going to try to put together volunteers and financial backers to do the same at Christmas next year.

Hang in there, and again happy holidays.

I'm going to make some changes in the new year as well. Thanks for providing inspiration.

Best of the new year to you.

Sean would be 30 today, had he not died in a car accident almost 12 years ago.

I hope you can find some comfort in his memory.

Best wishes for the new year to you, Cooley.

32 year marriage ended in feb. 4 kids are young adults, and dragged into it all.
they spent yesterday w him, will spend most of today w him.
i get the one kid who speaks to me for a couple hours, and the one who wont grow up who lives w me.

at least i have my dogs.
sigh.

also have had serious health issues this year. tried to do the ho ho thing, but cracked a rib last week and in too much pain.

yup. def among the worst of my 60 years so far.

I hope you have some support. Animals are great friends - nonjudgmental, always happy to see us, ask for so little.

I hope you have help with your health (insurance, good doctors). I tend to get very down when I or close family is sick. One silver lining for me - once the corner is turned back to good health, it's entirely rejuvenating. I hope this happens for you too.

As an aside, I am so surprised to find all the people close to our age who've responded and are on DU - in the 57-60 year old age group.

I hope 2015 is a better year for you!

been through a lot, but am sure i am bottomed out. was getting it together then had another injury. grrrr.

big dog is a very special one. protector extraordinaire. 200 lbs of drive in a 100 lb bag. others are balls of love. even the chickens are sweet.

i have a roommate who is great. and some super friends. and my farm.

it will be better because it will move forward. one way or another.

but i tell ya, this was a real taste of getting old. it sucks like an extra large zamboni. at least there is company here. very grateful for du.

You, me and gewheezie (sp?) - we are all farm folk. Funny that we gravitated here...

Sounds like you will be OK. I'm getting old/er too. We are all moving forward together.

Take care.

a battle all it's own. strange critter the urban farm.

i will get my strength back. i come from sterner stuff than to be old at 60. but it sure has been a cluster fuck of a year.

We need urban farms! Every bit of green helps.

Take care!

Both parents dead, although I didn't enjoy the best relations when they were here.

Siblings doing their own thing.

Unmarried with no children.

Alone by choice.

Fired four days ago.

Indulging in sulking.

now we just have to get through today. Do you have a practice you do for gratification or good health, feeling worthwhile? Even 50 cents in the red bucket? Since you choose to be alone, how does that sustain you?

Do you have pets? My pets - from my 20s through now - have often been my saviors. My reason for getting up in the morning, keep me on track.

Stay connected here, OK? Soon this "season" will be over and we can get back to our "normal" lives.

By the way, after my last layoff, I found unemployment benefits very helpful, and the process as well. They kept me engaged. I hope you have a good unemployment office where you live.

My sister is dying of cancer and my mother has been diagnoses with dementia, and is deteriorating at a rapid pace. For years our relationship has been, at best, civil - I did what was expected of me, as a daughter, because it was the moral thing to do, and now I'm having trouble getting emotionally engaged in the process. She was always verbally combative with me, but now she is becoming both verbally and physically combative with my brother (but apparently NOT with the home health care workers, which I find interesting.) I know we will have to find someplace for her, sooner rather than later, because caring for her is starting to wear both us down to the bone.

So, I would have preferred to stay in bed, today, but since other people expect me to 'engage' in the holiday, I'll drag my ass out and do what I have to do to meet other people's expectations and keep them happy.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Siwsan. I haven't had to go through this yet with a parent, even though mine both are gone. I think this is one of the mileposts of life, where you are right now, with your mother.

At first I thought of asking if you were going to get into the festive adult beverages sooner rather than later today, as a panacea. But, I, myself, decided this week to stop self-medicating, my typical coping mechanism in your situation - when surrounded by too much stress, emotion, chaos - just TOO MUCH. The clarity of being straight is overwhelming to me. And I think it's starting to work. I managed to keep control last night when I felt like losing it. I got away (walked out to the barn and talked to the horses. ). I made it through with only a glass - or two - of wine all day/night...

I hope you have people around you who are concerned for your health - mentally and physically. Even just one person (in addition to us here).

Whatever sustains you - a walk, favorite music, talking with an intimate - I hope you find it today, and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Thank you for venting.

I do have very supportive family, some of whom know my history with my Mom, some of whom would never believe me, if I told them. But she's pretty placid, right now, which is the best I can hope for. And I'm taking an early retirement from work, in the Spring, so that I will have the time and energy to deal with this situation. It's years before I intended to retire, but it is the only area of stress that I can see to cut out of my life, right now.

On the up side, my nieces and nephews are competing over who I will visit, next Christmas. So, that's a good thing. I'll be transitioning into a substitute mother, once my sister is gone, and couldn't love them more if they were my own.

I think next Christmas, we will all be in a very, very different place. Hopefully it will be a better one.

thanks for sharing. Best wishes for the new year.

............. my family is scattered so it is just hubby and I - don't get me wrong he is lovely and I love him dearly, but oh I miss my family. And even though we skyped I feel worse after the call because it emphasizes how far away they really are.

I am glad for my DU family and friends - you don't know how you all keep me going.

Wishing everyone peace, strength and happiness.

and thanks.

Let's stick together, OK? There seems to be a lot of sustenance here; more than I knew.

Happy new year.

Wishing you and yours a brilliant, bright and beautiful 2015.

Broke up with my partner of 19 years last summer (her choice). Broke my heart. Then I was stunned that she moved in with her boyfriend. I had no idea.

Retired now; couldn't go on. I don't know what 2015 holds in store, but this was the worst year ever.

So sorry - sounds terrible. I hope you can find what sustains you.

We'll be thinking of you here.

It gets better. Been there, a year later I was unbelievably better.

I've got this for you:

I live rurally. Alone. My family has always been small, but most are within driving distance, and I see those close enough frequently. Our holiday was spent together, eating, playing games, and just hanging out. We spent some time on the phone with the one couple who lives too far for regular travel, and will be seeing them next month.

None of us seem to miss bigger events, or those that we have chosen, for various reasons, to distance ourselves from. We don't wish them ill; we all hope they had a happy holiday of their own.

Of course, for the most part, we are people more comfortable in smaller, more intimate, informal groups.

Edited to add: To be honest, at this stage of my life (54), I wouldn't notice a holiday if the rest of the world didn't keep it front and center. All holidays feel, and pass, like any other day for me, and my only "celebration" is the time spent with those I love, which I do anyway. I got home while it was light enough to do rural chores yesterday, and happily went in to spend an evening curled up with a drink and a book. But it's been years since I experienced loneliness. It happened at first, but the longer I've spent living alone, the more I look forward to leaving the world behind, shutting the gates and doors behind me, and soaking in the quiet and peace of my solitary sanctuary.

and thank you.

I do think it is the social expectations that put on the pressure. Christmas actually means nothing to me, in itself. Only what we are "supposed" to be doing on this (that) day.

New Year's Eve, as well.

Thank you!

over time!

Thanks for the post, kentuck.