Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

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BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of lowest-level talks.

The noisy, poorly dressed delegations, which convened for multiple sessions of bilateral discussion at a Best Western motor inn just outside Brisbane, reportedly addressed a range of issues important to schlubs in both countries, including reducing tariffs on microwaveable mozzarella sticks, establishing worldwide manufacturing standards for foam beer koozie production, and generally fostering a spirit of goodwill and cooperation within the international slob community.

“Since they arrived to the talks dragging their duffel bags behind them after disembarking at the wrong bus stop, envoys from both nations have appeared strongly committed to finding common ground,” said political analyst Catherine Burke, noting that, aside from a brief recess during which the delegates withdrew to a nearby mini-mart in order to procure Pall Malls and $2 scratch-off tickets, the schlubs have engaged in constructive dialogue. “In fact, a major breakthrough was achieved on the very first day after [schlub ambassadors] Peng Wu and Carl Savelli retired to a nearby bowling alley to play Photo Hunt on a coin-operated touchscreen machine and ironed out a framework for providing comprehensive subsidies to both countries’ sweatpants industries.”

“Though the talks have at times been strained over the issue of U.S. debt stemming from the Chinese delegates’ purchase of several cases of Miller Lite, both sides are making great strides toward normalizing Sino-American schlub relations,” she added. “Today’s joint resolution to diversify vending machine options in both countries was a huge step forward.”
http://www.theonion.com/articles/schlubs-from-us-china-meet-in-lowestlevel-talks,37662/