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SheilaT

(23,156 posts)
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 11:58 AM Apr 2012

Favorite part of the Bible.

This was sent to me by a good friend who got it from a Peace Corps buddy of his.

"My favorite part of the Bible is where

Jesus gives money to the rich,

Tells the poor to suck it up,

And asks Caesar for his birth certificate."

42 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Favorite part of the Bible. (Original Post) SheilaT Apr 2012 OP
blessed are the job creators... Enrique Apr 2012 #1
:) Whisp Apr 2012 #2
Or Matthew 25:40 Lawlbringer Apr 2012 #3
(you forgot the yellow people and red people...) lastlib Apr 2012 #27
Damn Lawlbringer Apr 2012 #34
the problem is the scribes miss a few verses Johonny Apr 2012 #39
The End Atman Apr 2012 #4
Thank you for beating me to that one! maveric56 Apr 2012 #17
That was my first thought too Son of Gob Apr 2012 #22
'Here endeth the Lesson' nt xchrom Apr 2012 #5
I could send this to a few but to save peace I'll not madokie Apr 2012 #6
Comprehension and definition are not the RegieRocker Apr 2012 #7
Numbers 31 is always instructive JHB Apr 2012 #8
Thanks the info. And remember Luke 12:51-53 (KJV) AnotherMcIntosh Apr 2012 #9
"Just kidding!" Tom Ripley Apr 2012 #10
I kind of like all the "begats" - sex was involved, ya know. HopeHoops Apr 2012 #11
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but what about the Old Testament?! Kurovski Apr 2012 #12
Would that be the "stand your holy ground" law? KansDem Apr 2012 #25
More like the Kurovski Apr 2012 #29
Jesus to blind man: "Sorry, preexisting condition." rustydog Apr 2012 #13
what about when... lame54 Apr 2012 #14
And negotiated a setlement three times lower than expected Kurovski Apr 2012 #19
...and writes a credit-default swap against the sell--for a huge fee, of course lastlib Apr 2012 #28
I liked the part where he gathered all the fetuses around to tell them a parable... LynneSin Apr 2012 #15
He was a smart investor, buying a local quarry. Kurovski Apr 2012 #26
don't forget how before healing, Jesus always asked to see proof of insurance alterfurz Apr 2012 #16
When Jesus refuses to help the leper because he's lazy and doesn't have insurance Taverner Apr 2012 #18
Song of Solomon KamaAina Apr 2012 #20
can I get an Ay-Men! LadyHawkAZ Apr 2012 #35
I read Gen 38 and explained about Onan unc70 Apr 2012 #38
SheilaT Diclotican Apr 2012 #21
Matthew 5:7 - "And Jesus said be not like the hypocrites who preach on street corners!" Initech Apr 2012 #23
This is an actual thang in my local paper... Kurovski Apr 2012 #24
Amos. And Matthew 23. Brigid Apr 2012 #30
The Gospels are the true liberal part of the book LynneSin Apr 2012 #32
I never could stand the Old Testament. Nye Bevan Apr 2012 #41
I see the old testament as history LynneSin Apr 2012 #42
John 7:14 KansDem Apr 2012 #31
I like the sex stuff. Like this from Deuteronomy 22:28-29 JoePhilly Apr 2012 #33
Crumb's illustrations. Warren DeMontague Apr 2012 #36
My favorite is when God ordered the murder of babies and children, the Amalekites. cags Apr 2012 #37
"If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, Nye Bevan Apr 2012 #40

Lawlbringer

(550 posts)
3. Or Matthew 25:40
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 12:12 PM
Apr 2012

`Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my family, except the gays, women, blacks, browns, and less fortunate, because obviously I hate them, you did it to me.'

Johonny

(20,851 posts)
39. the problem is the scribes miss a few verses
Thu Apr 26, 2012, 10:37 AM
Apr 2012

The original reads

35‘For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; 36naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ 37“Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? 38‘And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? 39‘When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40“The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’ But he added you did this by giving untold countless money to the rich and wealthy so that it could trickle thyself down to the poor that are not lazy and stayith in thy homes and sitith upon thy couches like a vegetable product. The trickle rewards shall enrich thy poor so that theyith do not get robbed of thy dignity of being thirsty, naked, sick, in prison without the joy of good solid hardith work.

41“Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; 42for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; 43I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ 44“Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’ 45“Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ 46“These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” And by gave, I mean allowed me a right to work for less one, two or even three jobs untilith my dignity allowed me enough money to buy these things for myself so as not to trouble youith the rich with too long a tax form.

 

RegieRocker

(4,226 posts)
7. Comprehension and definition are not the
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 12:21 PM
Apr 2012

strong abilities of a right wing extremists. Further agreement of their twisted perception of what was written by Council of Nicea serves them only. I would make it easy for them to understand you are in disagreement with their perception.

JHB

(37,161 posts)
8. Numbers 31 is always instructive
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 12:31 PM
Apr 2012

Conquer a city, kill everybody (excepting one important category) and divvy up their stuff. "Stuff" being metals, livestock, and virgin daughters.

Numbers 31
King James Version (KJV)

Numbers 31
1And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2Avenge the children of Israel of the Midianites: afterward shalt thou be gathered unto thy people.

***

6And Moses sent them to the war, a thousand of every tribe, them and Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest, to the war, with the holy instruments, and the trumpets to blow in his hand.

7And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they slew all the males.

8And they slew the kings of Midian, beside the rest of them that were slain; namely, Evi, and Rekem, and Zur, and Hur, and Reba, five kings of Midian: Balaam also the son of Beor they slew with the sword.

9And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods.

10And they burnt all their cities wherein they dwelt, and all their goodly castles, with fire.

11And they took all the spoil, and all the prey, both of men and of beasts.

12And they brought the captives, and the prey, and the spoil, unto Moses, and Eleazar the priest, and unto the congregation of the children of Israel, unto the camp at the plains of Moab, which are by Jordan near Jericho.

13And Moses, and Eleazar the priest, and all the princes of the congregation, went forth to meet them without the camp.

14And Moses was wroth with the officers of the host, with the captains over thousands, and captains over hundreds, which came from the battle.

15And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive?

16Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD.

17Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.

18But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.


***

32And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was six hundred thousand and seventy thousand and five thousand sheep,

33And threescore and twelve thousand beeves,

34And threescore and one thousand asses,

35And thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him.

36And the half, which was the portion of them that went out to war, was in number three hundred thousand and seven and thirty thousand and five hundred sheep:

37And the LORD'S tribute of the sheep was six hundred and threescore and fifteen.

38And the beeves were thirty and six thousand; of which the LORD'S tribute was threescore and twelve.

39And the asses were thirty thousand and five hundred; of which the LORD'S tribute was threescore and one.

40And the persons were sixteen thousand; of which the LORD'S tribute was thirty and two persons.

41And Moses gave the tribute, which was the LORD'S heave offering, unto Eleazar the priest, as the LORD commanded Moses.

42And of the children of Israel's half, which Moses divided from the men that warred,

43(Now the half that pertained unto the congregation was three hundred thousand and thirty thousand and seven thousand and five hundred sheep,

44And thirty and six thousand beeves,

45And thirty thousand asses and five hundred,

46And sixteen thousand persons; )

47Even of the children of Israel's half, Moses took one portion of fifty, both of man and of beast, and gave them unto the Levites, which kept the charge of the tabernacle of the LORD; as the LORD commanded Moses.

48And the officers which were over thousands of the host, the captains of thousands, and captains of hundreds, came near unto Moses:

49And they said unto Moses, Thy servants have taken the sum of the men of war which are under our charge, and there lacketh not one man of us.

50We have therefore brought an oblation for the LORD, what every man hath gotten, of jewels of gold, chains, and bracelets, rings, earrings, and tablets, to make an atonement for our souls before the LORD.

51And Moses and Eleazar the priest took the gold of them, even all wrought jewels.

52And all the gold of the offering that they offered up to the LORD, of the captains of thousands, and of the captains of hundreds, was sixteen thousand seven hundred and fifty shekels.

53(For the men of war had taken spoil, every man for himself.)

54And Moses and Eleazar the priest took the gold of the captains of thousands and of hundreds, and brought it into the tabernacle of the congregation, for a memorial for the children of Israel before the LORD.


Kurovski

(34,655 posts)
12. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but what about the Old Testament?!
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 01:46 PM
Apr 2012

That's where ya gets to kill everyone who gits in yer way! Yeehaw!!

Kurovski

(34,655 posts)
19. And negotiated a setlement three times lower than expected
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:26 PM
Apr 2012

for the salmonella deaths.

If they were business partners he might have raised them from the dead, but it's a tough climate these days. Talent goes for a premium, or not at all.

lastlib

(23,248 posts)
28. ...and writes a credit-default swap against the sell--for a huge fee, of course
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:43 PM
Apr 2012

...then builds a four-camel garage with a camel elevator.

LynneSin

(95,337 posts)
15. I liked the part where he gathered all the fetuses around to tell them a parable...
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 01:55 PM
Apr 2012

while shooing the children away.

Kurovski

(34,655 posts)
26. He was a smart investor, buying a local quarry.
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:38 PM
Apr 2012

he made a killing on the stoning concession.

So awesome!

 

Taverner

(55,476 posts)
18. When Jesus refuses to help the leper because he's lazy and doesn't have insurance
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:17 PM
Apr 2012

And then goes to the rich and gives them all tax breaks

 

KamaAina

(78,249 posts)
20. Song of Solomon
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:26 PM
Apr 2012

"Thy belly is like an heap of wheat; thy breasts are alabaster spheres..."

Take that, repressed Bible-thumpers!

unc70

(6,115 posts)
38. I read Gen 38 and explained about Onan
Thu Apr 26, 2012, 10:09 AM
Apr 2012

I was about 12 or 13 when I read and explained in detail the various aspects of the story. I worked on the shock value of him "spilling his seed".

Everyone still laughs about it even after 50 years. It wasn't long after that when I was excused from attending Sunday School.

Diclotican

(5,095 posts)
21. SheilaT
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:30 PM
Apr 2012

SheilaT

My favorite bible part, have, for a long time been Psalm 27 "the lord is my light".. It just "talk" to me in a way I can not really explain.



&feature=related

Diclotican

Initech

(100,081 posts)
23. Matthew 5:7 - "And Jesus said be not like the hypocrites who preach on street corners!"
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:35 PM
Apr 2012

I can't fit the whole verse in but I can't tell you how many times it's ended an argument.

Kurovski

(34,655 posts)
24. This is an actual thang in my local paper...
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:36 PM
Apr 2012

This is in response to Schuler’s comment about being a Jesus follower and “if you don’t work, you don’t eat” (March 15). My message to (her) would be, you do not get an amen. Jesus fed the homeless and the hungry.



http://heraldnews.suntimes.com/opinions/11821318-474/openline-jesus-wouldnt-say-that.html

Brigid

(17,621 posts)
30. Amos. And Matthew 23.
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:48 PM
Apr 2012

The RW nutters may try to say otherwise, but the Bible really does have a liberal bias.

LynneSin

(95,337 posts)
32. The Gospels are the true liberal part of the book
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 03:06 PM
Apr 2012

I mean think about Jesus. He didn't have a job, didn't have any money and wandered around the countryside hoping that people would provide him a place to stay and the occassional meal (if he wasn't making meals himself). Jesus scorned the leaders of the temple while embracing people in society who normally are considered outcasts like tax collectors and prostitutes.

Right-wing religious crazies rarely quote Jesus when they do their bidding - they are more of Paulists, who was the first Christian fundamentalist out there.

Nye Bevan

(25,406 posts)
41. I never could stand the Old Testament.
Thu Apr 26, 2012, 10:45 AM
Apr 2012

Dragged to church every week by my parents, the Old Testament readings were about the most boring things I could imagine. The Gospel, on the other hand, often seemed to make sense to me, even as a child.

LynneSin

(95,337 posts)
42. I see the old testament as history
Thu Apr 26, 2012, 10:53 AM
Apr 2012

This is how bad it was until Jesus showed up and said let's simplify things - love one another and treat everyone with respect.

Think of it as the USA before the Civil War. I really hate reading stories about slavery. It was such a vile thing our country had done. But it was our history and it's good to understand it so hopefully it doesn't repeat itself again.

KansDem

(28,498 posts)
31. John 7:14
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:58 PM
Apr 2012

"Not until halfway through the Feast did Jesus go up to the temple courts and begin to teach..."



...but first you all need to get student loans!

JoePhilly

(27,787 posts)
33. I like the sex stuff. Like this from Deuteronomy 22:28-29
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 03:11 PM
Apr 2012

28 If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered,

29 he shall pay her father fifty shekels[a] of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

This one is great for 2 reasons ...

1) Apparently it only counts if you get caught committing the rape.

2) I've called every bank, but no one can give me a Shekels to Dollars conversion table. UGH!!!

cags

(1,914 posts)
37. My favorite is when God ordered the murder of babies and children, the Amalekites.
Wed Apr 25, 2012, 06:29 PM
Apr 2012

Shut's the fundies right up when I say I could never worship a God that would order the murder of babies and children.


The looks on their faces are just great.

Nye Bevan

(25,406 posts)
40. "If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor,
Thu Apr 26, 2012, 10:42 AM
Apr 2012

and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.

But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.

Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.

And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+19&version=KJV

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