Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business

WASHINGTON—Claiming that his operation would be “completely dicked over” by an influx of product, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly became increasingly worried this week that the recent legalization of marijuana in Washington, D.C. could seriously cut into his business.

Biden, who White House sources confirmed had significantly increased his annual marijuana sales after swiping a state-of-the-art hydroponics unit from a gardening supplies store back in 2012, expressed frustration at the possibility that legalizing the drug would wreak havoc on all of his investments.

“Aw, Christ, now everyone will be growing their own herb,” said a visibly upset Biden, adding that he was “raking it in” before D.C. voters approved “that horseshit” Marijuana Legalization Initiative in a ballot measure last November. “Don’t get me wrong, Uncle Joe is slinging the dankest nugs in town. But who’s going to call me up for an eighth of Purple Trainwreck if they can just grab some buds from their own homegrown stash?”

“Sure as shit no one’s hauling ass all the way to the Lincoln Memorial to meet up with me to score some cheeba anymore,” the vice president continued.

Biden stressed that his business had recently been running as “smooth as Tennessee trim,” becoming especially lucrative after he brought on his buddy Blaze to strong-arm a couple “rough and tumble” hombres who were muscling in on his turf.


http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-worries-legalized-weed-in-dc-will-cut-into-h,38210/