5 Ways to Celebrate the Takeover of Texas After Jade Helm

If you believe the more tinfoilier parts of the Internet, the takeover of Texas and establishment of Barack HUSSEIN Obama as our new God-King is nigh. Jade Helm, the massive military exercise that will take place here and in four other states, starts this week, and everyone from Alex Jones to Chuck Norris warns that it’s actually a cover for a quite literal coup d’etat (The fact that Texas is kind of, you know, already ruled by the federal government seems to have eluded a lot of these people). Even our own governor has weighed in, planning on having the Texas State Guard monitor the exercise. What the hell the Texas State Guard would do against the largest military in the world if they did something shady is beyond me, though I expect the answer rhymes with “fun array”.


But hey, maybe they’re right. Maybe the Lone Star State will burn and Obama will rule us in Doom-armor forged from the slag of our F-350s. It could happen. Well, I like to be prepared and now offer myself to Caesar Obamanus as overseer of the cowed. Let’s make this the bestest tyrannical regime change ever. How can we celebrate after Jade Helm?

5. Gun Funerals
Surely the first order of business in the new Texas will be the rounding up of all the freedom sticks so that resistance to the New World Order will be minimal. I understand that many of you have grown attached to these deadly symbols of freedom, and that having them taken from you and thrown into an active volcano represents significant emotional distress.

The answer is gun funerals! We will hold mass services where we will sing Nugentian Hymns and tell of fond days spent with our Firearm-Americans. Excerpts from the writings of Patrick Henry will be read, and plastic gun replicas will be laid in silk-lined caskets and buried beneath the prairie. Though solemn, these ceremonies will hopefully bring closure in the new age.


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