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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsMore Tales from Dr. Ben Carson’s Life (satire)
I turned down a full-ride scholarship to West Point, but I didnt turn down the other free ride they offered me: an M60 Patton tank. While my friends were tooling around Detroit in their Camaros, I was proving my patriotism in an honest-to-gosh battle tank. Also, not to brag but I totally got to second base with Becky Jorgensen in the back seat. Talk about gifted hands! (Gifted Hands, page 29)
*
Our psychology professor told us that our final papers had been inadvertently burned, so we had to take a surprise exam, and all the other students walked out in protest. Only I remained. Just then, a photographer from the Yale Daily News popped up and snapped my picture.
Whats going on? I asked.
A hoax! the professor announced. This test was merely a test! We wanted to see who was the most honest student in the class. Its you, Ben Carsonyoure the most honest student in the world.
I truly couldnt believe my own ears. The professor just said that I was the most honest person in the universe! (Gifted Hands, page 64)
*
The summer after my junior year at Yale, I decided to backpack through Europe. When I got to London, I ran into an old British lady who told me that I was the tallest man shed ever seen. Youre so big, she said, and that is a direct quote. Her name was Elizabeth, and she was a Queen, which is like a President, only more so. She ended up naming a clock tower after me. (Gifted Hands 2: Gift Hander, page 60)
*
One day at Johns Hopkins medical school, I ran into a man who was very upset over a breakup. I consoled him by explaining that no pill was going to cure his ill, and when he asked me, Doctor, doctor, to give [him] the news about his disease, I told him that he had a bad case of loving someone. That patients name was Robert Palmer, and a few years later he recorded a song about the experience. (Gifted Hands, page 93)
*
This sentence is from page 120 of my book Gifted Hands.(Gifted Hands, page 121)
*
Ben, you have worked your way up from poverty; you have become a surgeon of skill unparallelled. You, sir, are the only one worthy to succeed me. I name you my heir.
But, Johnny, Ive never hosted a late-night show before. Im honored, but my talents will be better used in neurosurgery, and then, later, in Presidenting.
Mr. Carson put his wizened hand on my shoulder. I respect your decision, he said, as tears rolled down his face like spring rain on Mount Rushmore. But I want you to know that youll always be a son to me.
And that was the day that Johnny Carson adopted me. I try not to make a big deal of this in public. (Gifted Hands, page 211)
*
I stepped into the TARDIS and prepared to return to my fellow Time Lords when someone shouted, Thanks for saving us, doctor!
Please, I replied. Doctor is what my patients whose brains I do things to call me. Call me Ben.
With that, I shifted the TARDIS into gear and grabbed the older lady beside me. Hold on tight, Liz. Were about to meet your ancestor and namesake, Queen Elizabeth the First! (Gifted Hands 2: Gift Hander, page 64)
*
It was 2015, and I was a front-runner for the Republican Presidential nomination. According to some polls, I was even beating the earlier front-runner, Donald Trump. This all really happened!!! (Gifted Hands, revised 2016 edition, page 3)
*
Our psychology professor told us that our final papers had been inadvertently burned, so we had to take a surprise exam, and all the other students walked out in protest. Only I remained. Just then, a photographer from the Yale Daily News popped up and snapped my picture.
Whats going on? I asked.
A hoax! the professor announced. This test was merely a test! We wanted to see who was the most honest student in the class. Its you, Ben Carsonyoure the most honest student in the world.
I truly couldnt believe my own ears. The professor just said that I was the most honest person in the universe! (Gifted Hands, page 64)
*
The summer after my junior year at Yale, I decided to backpack through Europe. When I got to London, I ran into an old British lady who told me that I was the tallest man shed ever seen. Youre so big, she said, and that is a direct quote. Her name was Elizabeth, and she was a Queen, which is like a President, only more so. She ended up naming a clock tower after me. (Gifted Hands 2: Gift Hander, page 60)
*
One day at Johns Hopkins medical school, I ran into a man who was very upset over a breakup. I consoled him by explaining that no pill was going to cure his ill, and when he asked me, Doctor, doctor, to give [him] the news about his disease, I told him that he had a bad case of loving someone. That patients name was Robert Palmer, and a few years later he recorded a song about the experience. (Gifted Hands, page 93)
*
This sentence is from page 120 of my book Gifted Hands.(Gifted Hands, page 121)
*
Ben, you have worked your way up from poverty; you have become a surgeon of skill unparallelled. You, sir, are the only one worthy to succeed me. I name you my heir.
But, Johnny, Ive never hosted a late-night show before. Im honored, but my talents will be better used in neurosurgery, and then, later, in Presidenting.
Mr. Carson put his wizened hand on my shoulder. I respect your decision, he said, as tears rolled down his face like spring rain on Mount Rushmore. But I want you to know that youll always be a son to me.
And that was the day that Johnny Carson adopted me. I try not to make a big deal of this in public. (Gifted Hands, page 211)
*
I stepped into the TARDIS and prepared to return to my fellow Time Lords when someone shouted, Thanks for saving us, doctor!
Please, I replied. Doctor is what my patients whose brains I do things to call me. Call me Ben.
With that, I shifted the TARDIS into gear and grabbed the older lady beside me. Hold on tight, Liz. Were about to meet your ancestor and namesake, Queen Elizabeth the First! (Gifted Hands 2: Gift Hander, page 64)
*
It was 2015, and I was a front-runner for the Republican Presidential nomination. According to some polls, I was even beating the earlier front-runner, Donald Trump. This all really happened!!! (Gifted Hands, revised 2016 edition, page 3)
By Frank Lesser: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/more-true-tales-from-dr-ben-carson-life?intcid=mod-latest
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More Tales from Dr. Ben Carson’s Life (satire) (Original Post)
Tab
Nov 2015
OP
Octafish
(55,745 posts)1. The old British lady named a clock after me.
ROFLMAO!
trusty elf
(7,401 posts)2. Johnny let Ben sub for him from time to time.
[img][/img]
trusty elf
(7,401 posts)3. "Jesus speaks through me to communicate with mortal men."
[img][/img]
Rex
(65,616 posts)4. That one time at band camp...
they found him with his dick stuck in a rock down by the river. Had to call EMS.