The fundamental problem Republicans have is that no candidate has been able to fill Ronald Reagan‘s shoes. None of the bumblers on the Republican debate stage can measure up to the reputation of the president who heralded in a generation of conservative economic dominance.

While Republicans may initially recoil at the thought of an ancient deity with no Republican party credentials ruling the United States, they should find the certainty of realizing three major goals appealing....

We have acquired the Essential Salts of President Reagan. Cthulhu feels that Zombie Reagan would be a great asset to his White House staff. In particular, Cthulhu thinks that Zombie Reagan would be the perfect agent to deal with the Washington Press Corps....

Choosing Cthulhu over a baker’s dozen of limp blowhards is a no-brainer. Especially after Zombie Reagan is finished feasting on them. Electing Cthulhu to the presidency will finally make America great. Period.