This will be my first Thanksgiving without my gallbladder. And I just learned that we have one more special needs eater in the family. I’ll tell you what, this year I will meet you all halfway. I’ll make the same meal I make every year and those of you with vegitarian, vegan and gluten issues can stop eating halfway through the meal. Problem solved.

3. Despite modern advances in the food industry, turkeys are only so big. We are a large family and because of modern advances in the food industry our asses are big as well. So this leaves us with the need to achieve a delicate balance between how much we CAN eat vs. how much we WILL eat to make sure there is enough for everyone. Please monitor your children (see rule 2) and make sure they take only what they will eat. And if you don’t get enough, don’t worry. There’s always pie.

4. I absolutely cook with bacon and bacon grease. I use lots of butter, cream, salt and even a little sugar. Thanks to the advances in modern medicine, you can bring your medical prescriptions with you and leave your dietary restrictions at home.

10. If you want to talk politics come sit next to me. There’s a good chance I’ll either convince you to change your politics or change your desire to talk about politics. And if neither happens, I can always turn off my hearing aids.