Crowds Of Stock Traders Gather At Weeping Statue Of Wall Street Bull

Hailing the phenomenon as a genuine economic miracle, droves of investors and financial professionals continued flocking to the Charging Bull statue in Lower Manhattan this week to see the tears reportedly flowing from its eyes.

Shortly after the closing bell on October 14, when the S&P 500 fell below 2,000, witnesses reported seeing droplets of moisture trailing from the eyes of the Wall Street icon, an event many among the faithful believe is no mere coincidence. Ever since, a steady stream of awestruck traders and financial executives have been observed making the trek down Broadway to Bowling Green Park, where they can touch the 7,000-pound sculpture’s horns and beseech it to grant them a profitable IPO, merger, or tax inversion.

“I came to stand in the presence of this wondrous miracle,” said Mark Cadwell, manager of the $625 million hedge fund Polestar Overseas, humbly placing a sovereign bond prospectus before the weeping bull and calling upon it to raise the credit rating from BBB+ to A-. “My faith in free enterprise had been shaken deeply by the slowing growth in emerging markets, and I felt hopeless and lost. But as I submitted myself before this sacred figure, my mind opened to the vast possibilities of investing in distressed debt and inverse ETFs, and my belief in our economic system was fully restored. In its eternal wisdom, I have been reborn.”

Added Cadwell, “Praise be unto open markets!”

http://www.theonion.com/article/crowds-stock-traders-gather-weeping-statue-wall-st-51977