Nation’s Oppressed Christians Huddle Underground To Light Single Shriveled Christmas Shrub

The gathered Christians listen to Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s “Carol Of The Bells” at low volume for fear that someone on the surface might hear.

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Persecuted and driven into hiding because of their beliefs, the nation’s oppressed Christians reportedly huddled in a secret underground bunker late Wednesday night to decorate and light a single withered Christmas shrub.

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“I just want to make sure my kids know what Christmas is really about,” she continued, adjusting the plush reindeer antlers atop her head and switching on her glowing Rudolph nose.

After the Christmas shrub was lit, the Christians were reportedly grateful to partake in other sacred traditions without fear of interference or abuse, such as the reading of the 2005 storybook classic The Elf On The Shelf and the viewing of grainy VHS copies of A Charlie Brown Christmas, The Santa Clause, and other beloved films that had been passed down through the generations.

Sources confirmed that as the evening drew to a close, all of their wrapping paper, Christmas cards, and fabric Santa hats were burned in trash cans to erase any evidence of the shunned celebration. The wary Christians then reportedly removed all incriminating green-and-red items from their persons and dispersed in small groups so as not to attract attention from federal authorities.

“Make sure your little ones destroy their stockings before you leave and empty their pockets of any trinkets or bells—they mustn’t have anything on them that jingles,” one man was overheard saying tearfully to a friend before embracing him and slipping off into the night. “I’ll see you again next December, God willing. Stay safe out there.”




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