More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today, War On Christmas 2015 Edition

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today

War On Christmas 2015 Edition

(No. 21 in a series)

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Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican During the Holiday Season Today:

* "Happy Holidays" is a vile, offensive slur.

* A Turkish saint and a Jewish carpenter from Palestine were both white.

* The true hero of "It's a Wonderful Life" is Mister Potter, the visionary Job Creator, and the villain is that communist George Bailey.

In a similar vein...

* "A Christmas Carol" is a horror story, the tale of a practical, thrifty Job Creator who was turned into a communist after being stalked and brainwashed by some ghosts.

The list that will continue to inevitably grow:

* Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Alan West, Todd Akin, Joe Walsh, Ted Cruz, Steve Stockman, EW Jackson, Glenn Grothman, Joni Ernst, Mike Pence, and Ben Carson are intelligent, rational human beings.

And a rewrite, which I haven't dragged out in a while, surprisingly:

* Political discourse has gone rotten in this country, and the filthy stupid evil America-hating terrorist-loving rapist atheist Muslin communist socialist Nazi liberals are to blame for it.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* A United States Senator who doesn't show up and do his job for over a month has the moral authority to loudly call for Federal workers who "aren't doing their job" to be fired.

* The Speaker of the House should not have to choose between spending time at work and time with his family. No one else should have this choice.

* You cite "character" as one of your qualifications for office while fabricating your past.

* "Witch Hunt" = Reporters seeking to verify Ben Carson's claims of a violent past. "Not a Witch Hunt" = Multiple committee and millions of taxpayer dollars spent trying to find something to pin on Hillary Clinton about Benghazi.

* Crazy = "The voices in my head told me to start a cult, kill fashion models, and rape little boys so that I can become king of the monkey people"; Not Crazy = "God told me to run for President so that I can start a war with Iran, kill millions of heathens and blasphemers, and bring Jesus back."

* A billionaire who made his money from inheritance, shady land deals, brain-cell killingly stupid reality shows, and incessant self-promotion has earned the right to say that working people's wages are too high.

* Because of concerns that potential terrorists could use lax gun laws to procure weapons, the proper answer is keeping Syrian refugees out of the area with lax gun laws.

* Offensive: A woman in a flag hijab. Not offensive: A Watergate burglar in a flag Speedo

* Daesh is the new Hitler, the most horrible evil thing in the world, and an immediate existential threat to the United States; but the only reason people run away from them is because they want paid vacations.

* Planned Parenthood and doctors that provide abortion services are inhuman monsters perpetrating "barbaric atrocities against humanity". It is shocking and horrifying that the occasional "lone nut" commits crimes against those inhuman monsters, and in no way do the "pro-life" movement and the Republican party endorse those crimes or bear any responsibility for them.

* When an act of Islamic terrorism is committed, "No one acts in isolation". When an act of Christian terrorism is committed, it's disgraceful to point out the role of religion.

* It enrages you when some demonic monster who kills babies and sells their body parts for money accuses pro-lifers of "inflammatory rhetoric"

* You're crapping your pants in fear of terrorists, but not enough to make it illegal for them to get guns.


* Life is sacred and precious from the moment of conception until the moment of birth, especially if their parents are related to people you don't like.
(Actually, this is nothing new)


Whichever holiday you celebrate, whether it be Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the Saturnalia, Life Day, something else, or none at all--have a good one!