Cowgirl's morning line: Hawkeye Handicap (Republican rage-a-thon)

Since the republican primaries and horse racing have a number of things in common including the fact that they involve big handsome creatures with small brains which are owned by millionaires, running around in circles guided by midgets I thought I'd give the betting public some odds.

New York Mauler: 3-1 He's a millionaire, no wait a billionaire real estate mogul and reality star who has turned this race upside down. Charging like a freight train, scattering opponents before him, this poster child for affluenza has broken every rule in the game but the stewards seem unable to stop him. His attacks on Muslims and Hispanics won't hurt him in lily white Iowa and he has recently been sharpening his Bible thumping skills go gain street cred among the religious fundamentalists who dominate these caucuses. Talks a populist game which gets him some independent and Democratic support. He's been ahead in the polls but the question is will his army of pissed off white guys get out of their mother's basements long enough to carry him over the wire. Gets the nod but vulnerable.

Dudley Dooright: 4-1 Canadian bred contender may be the most hated horse in the Senatorial stable but that won't hurt him at all in this contest where the craziest right wing fundamentalist nearly always wins. Having a father who's an evangelical preacher of the looney tunes variety who's supposedly dubbed him the "anointed one" can't hurt with this crowd. Has the backing of the folks who gave this contest to Holy Huckster and Saint-or-um in previous years plus plenty of oil money from his adopted home state, Texas and they know how to caucus.

Thirsty Boots: 8-1 He's a first term Senator, Hispanic and cute if you like his type and appropriately glib with no recognizable principles whatsoever, a trait which has endeared him to the donor class. What could go wrong? Plenty when your party has spent the last eight years raging against a former first term senator with little experience and outsized oratory skills. Has plenty of money and is seen as the future of a more inclusive Republican Party.

Younger Brother: 15-1 A steady, experienced contender he comes off a long layoff burdened with the most weight of any contender in the race--people remember his brother and say no thanks. A 'low energy' grinder who could eventually wear his faster rivals down, he still has a ton of wealthy backers and his family connection but unlikely to do better than fourth here.

White Bread Johnny: 15-1 About as exciting as an ungrilled American Cheese sandwich on white bread, this steady Eddie has not shown much speed but has won the endorsement of the Gray Lady which should be about as welcome as a case of Ebola in this race. Could shine later on in the season but not in this one.

Doc: 15-1 Former pace setter has faded badly these past few months after a little digging cast doubt on his bad boy turned brain surgeon street creds and a few of his more unusual beliefs became better known. Still has some support among people who think it is perfectly plausible that the pyramids were giant Biblical granaries.

Jersey Fats: 20-1 Aggressive and obnoxious this contender is mainly known for his tendency to go on the attack: political opponents, the media, young women who ask him why he's campaigning instead of in his blizzard and flood stricken state; it's hard to see him getting traction here in Iowa where they like "nice".

C.E.Ohno: 30-1 The one female in the race she talks a good game but her dismal past performance as a C.E.O. puts her in the back of the pack.

Holy Huckster: 50-1 Won this back in 08 with Evangelical support and has been dining off the win ever since. Has been out populisted if you will by New York Mauler and outfundied by Dudley Dooright so not expected to do much this time.

Saint-or-Umm: 50-1 Won this in 2012 and finished second to Stormin' Mormon in the delegate count nationwide in that season but has not caught fire this year and is unlikely to do any damage this time out.


My Trifecta pick: New York Mauler, Dudley Dooright and White Bread Johnny