WASHINGTON (The Nil Admiari) - Tonight, psychopathic Iowans - largely of the evangelical persuasion - rallied to deliver Canadian psychopath U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas a win in the state's Republican caucus. The ultra-conservative Iowans barely rejected psychopathic billionaire Donald Trump for lacking the correct mixture of moral superiority and seething bigotry devoid of all empathy.

Schneider continued, "Trump was just not convincing enough to the psychopaths he needed to gain the support of to win in Iowa. Many couldn't get past him not knowing every word in the Bible, even though they welcomed his bigotry."