Jeb Bush, Private Citizen: Day 1 (leaked diary excerpts)

9:00 AM: Wake up, brush teeth, cry uncontrollably. It wasn't supposed to be like this! Go to the mirror. Tell myself "It's not over till it's over." In 2020, I am going to take the White House by STORM!

9:10 AM: Cry uncontrollably

9:20 AM: Call mom. She tells me I am still one of her four favorite sons. I don't know why some people hate mom and say that she's cold and heartless and uncaring. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have gotten this far!

9:30 AM: Doorbell rings. It's W. Wants to know if I still have my "Crash Bandicoot" PlayStation game. Comes in, grabs a six pack of longnecks from my fridge, puts his hand on my shoulder and says "Y'know, Jeb, it's a downright shame. Presidentin' was a load of fun. You get to sleep in late every day and everyone else does all of the work, you jess sit back an' take credit for it.

9:45 AM: Cry uncontrollably

10:00 AM: Call mom. Ask her if she will make my favorite lunch, those little dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets with some crinkly fries. She says "Today is laundry day." I say "But mom, the maid does the laundry." She says "Today is laundry day," tells me someone is knocking at the front door and she's got to go and hangs up.

10:10 AM: Cry uncontrollably.

10:20 AM: Start my new hobby...building model airplanes! Except I end up sniffing the tube of glue instead and................

4:00 PM: Wake up, head pounding. I think ISIS put something in that glue.

4:10 PM: Microwave one of those Lean Cuisine pizzas. Really doesn't taste like pizza. Wish I had a pizza.

4:20 PM: cry uncontrollably

4:30: Call Marco. Ask "He, buddy, how's it going?" He asks "How did you get my number?" Hangs up. I mean, it's not like I was fishing around to be his veep or anything.

4:45: Cry uncontrollably

4:55: Binge watch every season of "Gilmore Girls" on Netflix

11:55 PM: Enjoy a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's "New York Super Chunk."

11:59 PM: Cry uncontrollably

12:00 AM: Time for bed. Tomorrow's a new day and I'm going to do what winners do...go out there and WIN!