Excuse Me, Not sure if I'm in the right room

http://www.mindspring.com/~mfpatton/sketch.htm

The Argument Sketch

From "Monty Python's Previous Record" and "Monty Python's Instant Record Collection"
Originally transcribed by Dan Kay (dan@reed.uucp)
Fixed up and Added "Complaint" and "Being Hit On The Head lessons" Aug/ 87
by Tak Ariga (tak@gpu.utcs.toronto.edu)



The Cast (in order of appearance.)
M= Man looking for an argument 
R= Receptionist 
Q= Abuser 
A= Arguer (John Cleese)
C= Complainer (Eric Idle)
H= Head Hitter


M:   Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R:    Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M:   No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R:     I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M:   Well, what is the cost?
R:    Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M:   Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R:     Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Pause
R:    Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. 
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M:    Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Q:   WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M:   Well, I was told outside that...
Q:   Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M:   What?
Q:   Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M:   Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q:   OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M:   Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q:   Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M:   Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q:   Not at all.
M:   Thank You.
(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A:   Come in.
M:   Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A:   I told you once.
M:   No you haven't.
A:   Yes I have.
M:   When?
A:    Just now.
M:   No you didn't.
A:   Yes I did.
M:  You didn't
A:   I did!
M:  You didn't!
A:   I'm telling you I did!
M:  You did not!!
A:   Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M:  Oh, just the five minutes.
A:   Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M:  You most certainly did not.
A:   Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M:  No you did not.
A:   Yes I did.
M:   No you didn't.
A:   Yes I did.
M:   No you didn't.
A:   Yes I did.
M:   No you didn't.
A:   Yes I did.
M:  You didn't.
A:   Did.
M:  Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A:   Yes it is.
M:   No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A:   No it isn't.
M:  It is!
A:   It is not.
M:  Look, you just contradicted me.
A:   I did not.
M:  Oh you did!!
A:   No, no, no.
M:  You did just then.
A:   Nonsense!
M:  Oh, this is futile!
A:   No it isn't.
M:  I came here for a good argument.
A:   No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M:  An argument isn't just contradiction.
A:   It can be.
M:  No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A:   No it isn't.
M:  Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A:   Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. 
M:  Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A:   Yes it is!
M:   No it isn't!

A:   Yes it is!
M:  Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A:  No it isn't.
M:  It is.
A:  Not at all.
M:  Now look.
A: (Rings bell)  Good Morning.
M:  What?
A:   That's it. Good morning.
M:   I was just getting interested.
A:   Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M:  That was never five minutes!
A:   I'm afraid it was.
M:  It wasn't.
Pause
A:   I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M:  What?!
A:   If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M:  Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A:  (Hums)
M:  Look, this is ridiculous.
A:   I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M:  Oh, all right.
(pays money)
A:   Thank you.
short pause
M:  Well?
A:   Well what?
M:   That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A:    I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M:   I just paid!
A:   No you didn't.
M:   I DID!
A:   No you didn't.
M:  Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A:  Well, you didn't pay.
M:  Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A:   No you haven't.
M:  Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A:   Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M:  Oh I've had enough of this.
A:   No you haven't.
M:  Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

M:  I want to complain.
C:  You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M:  No, I want to complain about...
C:   If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M:  Oh!
C:   Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.


(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

M:  Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
H:   No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M:  uuuwwhh!!
H:   Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M:  No.
H:   Now..
M:  Waaaaah!!!
H:   Good, Good! That's it.
M:  Stop hitting me!!
H:  What?
M:  Stop hitting me!!
H:   Stop hitting you?
M:  Yes!
H:   Why did you come in here then?
M:   I wanted to complain.
H:   Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M:  What a stupid concept.