President Trump’s Inaugural address

Apparently he ran in 1999 and Christopher Buckley, one of the best and funniest writers - to my mind - wrote this:

My fellow Americans,

This is a great day for me personally. You’re very smart to have voted for me because I’m going to do positive things for this country, starting with this mall I’m looking out over. For starters, I don’t know why this is called a “mall.” Where I come from, New York City—which happens to be the greatest city in the world, and the reason I say that is that I built most of it, and I only build quality, so I think I know what I’m talking about—a mall doesn’t look like this. Where are the shops? I see grass, ponds, an obelisk. This is not Cairo.

I don’t know how much the government paid for the Washington Monument—and I have no problem with George Washington, but he wasn’t a businessman—they overpaid. You’ve got a 560-foot tall structure sitting on some of the most prime real estate in the country, incredible views, including of my new home. People would pay a lot for a duplex co-op in a building like that. I would charge fifteen hundred, two thousand dollars a square foot, and I’d get it. No wonder this government is trillions in debt. . . .

With foreign policy, the same. I’m a businessman. Other countries want to do business with us, I’m all for it. Trade, great. I have no problems with people trading with us, but it’s going to be fair trade, by which I mean we come out on top. Or they can sell their TVs and cheeses to someone else. Maybe North Korea could use them. Again, it’s not complicated. Missiles? Very simple—you aim one at us, I fire 100 at you. So don’t go there. . . .

That about covers it. I have to go, because the important senators and congressmen are giving me a lavish luncheon in the rotunda. I understand they’re serving a lot of shrimp, much better food than they’ve had in Congress for a long time. Basically they’re trying to impress me so I won’t cancel their highway projects and ethanol subsidies. I know how they do things. Now they’re going to find out how I do things.

By the way, I’ve directed the Treasury to issue a couple billion extra in $100 chips. Enjoy yourselves. It’s the dawn of a very great era.

http://www.wsj.com/articles/notable-quotable-president-trumps-inaugural-1458256626