When they told me computer might be infected, I made noise to simulate smashing my computer, Then I thanked them profusely for telling me about my infection problem. "But don't worry," I said, "I won't be spreading the infection to anyone else. I smashed the shit out of that thing."

'Oh, Hey! I'm going to be in India on business next week. Can you tell me where your offices are so that I can come over and kick the shit out of of the owners of your business?'



...no I don't actually say that.

From "Running Scared".

I had a young woman going for a good 45 once. My buddy and I were just watching a football game when she called so I figured what the hell. She had no idea if "Bree" (Pat was taken at the time) was a man, woman, old - young, "challenged', or a flat out weirdo. I mixed in double entendres and just whacked comments. I always finished with "boobies" that was the punch line. "Do you have big boobies?" "What?" Then I broke character and fessed up. The whole call center must have been listening because there were howls of laughter.

I once got a subscription caller with the NY TIMES to say that there were "boobies" in the Sunday Art section. Me:"Dude are you really saying there are tits in the paper?" He cracked up.

I have books smaller than that.

That was actually the short version

same thing. The guy actually tried to convince me that I had Microsoft on my home phone and for a fee he could fix it.

Another favorite is to tell them you want them to send you a check for the 295.00 you just spent at the repair shop, for a known Microsoft problem.

...said what they are doing is a crime (that may have been the most recent "IRS" call) and that they should be ashamed of themselves. "Does your mother know you're doing this?!"

Somewhere on this planet there are still cultures where a mother's shame has some cachet.

I just got off the phone with "Mike". We had a little heart to heart talk. OK. I did most of the talking!

Too bad it went to voice mail, guy sounded like a real winner.

Are you at your computer, yes I am. Turn it on, ok. Now go to your internet. I don't have the internet. I just do spread sheets.

So I told them I've gone all Linux. **CLICK**