Name: Dr. Ben Carson
Nom de guerre: Hammertime
Background: An honest to God real brain surgeon and a very close personal friend of Jesus.
Strengths: This former surgeon is well-trained in the knowledge of where all the major organs are located and where to — as they say in the medical journals — “cut a bitch.” Carson would be deadly with a blade. In fact. he has a history of violence, once attempting to stab a friend and another time going after his mom with a hammer. Yup, a hammer. His mom. Don’t let his sleepy demeanor disarm you. Dude is as cold and passionless as a hospital bill collector.
Weaknesses: Seems drugged most of the time. Could suffer from narcolepsy making him easy prey if you just wait around long enough — maybe read him a Robert Samuelson column to speed up the process. Likely to die of starvation while vainly searching for a long lost pyramid filled to the rafters with quinoa.

Name: Ted Cruz
Nom de guerre: Lucifer in the Flesh or Creepface or The Mancanadian Candidate
Background: Texas senator and alleged serial killer.
Strengths: Cold-blooded indifference to anyone not named “Ted Cruz” — including the wife and mother of his children. Described as being preternaturally smart at a very young age, there are some who say that he went on a murder spree in Northern California before he was born — which his wife all but admitted, saying: “Well, I’ve been married to him for 15 years, and I know pretty well who he is, so it doesn’t bother me at all. There’s a lot of garbage out there.” Nice non-denial denial, lady.
Weaknesses: Under most circumstances, Cruz would be the odds on favorite to come out on top, but no matter how many times he claims to have a close personal relationship with Jesus, it would appear that Jesus is just not that into Ted. Likely scenario has Cruz a victim or two away from claiming victory before he is beat senseless and to the ground by a rain of frogs from the sky, struck by lighting and then consumed by a plague of locusts. The Earth will then open up and his bones with plummet to the bowels of hell. Satan will not be pleased.

Name: Sarah Palin
Nom de guerre: The Killa from Wasilla
Background: Half-term governor of Alaska, reality star, post-structuralist motivational speaker with an emphasis on Jesus and the freedoms of America and, y’know, Founding Fathers’ thingamabobbies and whosits.
Strengths: This notoriously scrappy hockey mom/pitbull knows how to gut a fish and gun down a wolf from a small plane. Just like she has done to the moose of Alaska, Palin will mercilessly slaughter her victim and use their flesh to make her world famous chili (kitchen hint: a pinch of meth to give it some “kick”). While a formidable opponent when going Sarah-a-mano, Palin family wildlings are also likely to come swarming from out of nowhere to assist her –depending upon who is pregnant at the moment.
Weaknesses: Who are we kidding? She’ll quit. She’ll see something shiny — like a spot on Celebrity Rehab or a 70 percent off sale on bangle bracelets at Chico’s — and go wobbling away like a sugared-up toddler.