BREAKING: Trump returns from visit to Honnah Lee, names Puff the Magic Dragon to avisory board

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NEW YORK: Presumptive Republican Presidential Nominee Donald Trump, fresh from a trip to Scotland, made a detour on the way home via the land called Honnah Lee and met privately with Puff, the Magic Dragon. According to Trump, they traveled on a boat with billowed sail, while the real estate and reality show mogul kept a lookout perched on Puff's gigantic tail. During the voyage pirate ships lowered their flags whenever Puff roared out his name. "I loved that rascal," remarked the Donald. "I'd done my homework, like I do on every trip abroad, or every trip I make with a broad. And I'd heard that he liked strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff, and I didn't have any of those things on me, but I did have a supply of delicious Trump Steaks in my freezer on the yacht, so I brought him a few of those. Let me tell you, they are very good steaks, Very, very good. I know he's going to love them because I have documents from every consumer that bought one stating that they were very, very good steaks. See? Look right here. This guy rated my steaks "A+" and wrote in at the bottom "Thank you so much, Mr. Trump/ Your steaks are good. Very, very good."

Trump continued: "We frolicked in the autumn mist for a while, then I told him I had to get back to America so I could continue to make it great again, and I will, because I succeed at every one of my business ventures, and he sadly slipped into his cave, so I yelled "Hey! Puff! Why so sad? How about if I make you Secretary of Dragon Affairs? You can sit right next to Wolfowitz in my Cabinet meetings." I think he liked that a lot. He's a good dragon. Did you get a look at my dragon?"

Trump also announced that his campaign would utilize two tiers moving forward. Anyone who sends in a minimum donation of $100 will be considered a "Ranger" and will receive an 8x10 member of Trump autographed by a member of his staff*.

Anyone donating a minimum of $2,000 will be considered a "Pioneer," and will be allowed to attend an exclusive invitation-only meet & greet event that Trump plans to hold at his inauguration, during which they will be able to meet Puff the Magic Dragon personally and pose for a personal photograph. "It's going to be a huge, huge event. And for people who can't afford the $2000, we have something special for them too." At this point Trump raised his middle finger, snickered, made a doggy-style humping motion, and walked away from reporters, refusing to answer any additional questions. Film at 11.

*staff members subject to change.