Trump agrees to lobotomy.

Dissociated Press: It was another tough week for the billionaire businessman who blurted more convoluted contradictory and confused rhetoric, irritated and alarmed supporters and wandered off message. In yet another last ditch effort to improve his image, Donald Trump agreed to a prefrontal lobotomy that was performed last night by one time rival Ben Carson. The decision was announced after an all night planning meeting with wife Melania, the famed neurosurgeon and campaign manager Kellyanne Conway. The four retired to the soundproof room in his New York state mansion where the Trumps often retire with friends and guests to help the real estate mogul relax and blow off stress.

An unscheduled press conference was announced for this morning at the Trump penthouse. The press corp took up positions just outside the soundproof room and waited for the candidate and advisors. Trump emerged first rubbing his wrists and sweating profusely. Ben Carson, Melania and Kellyanne emerged together laughing and talking softly to each other . Conway explained the decision making process that led to the procedure.

"It was Donald's decision entirely. We weren't certain but after we talked about his campaign troubles Donald began to realize how humiliated he would be if he was utterly defeated by this woman. He said he would do anything to win. Anything at all. We did several role plays so he could fully understand the way this would feel. He was practically begging for it at the end, wasn't he Ben?"

Carson laughed loudly, nodded and even winked at Melania who seemed very contented and at peace with the decision. Carson stated "The operation took less than 10 minutes and was accomplished with a small dose of the GHB I always carry in case I have to perform an emergency surgery on someone or stuff like that."

Trump excused himself saying he had a bit of a headache but promised he would be a good boy from now on.