Dateline: WASHINGTON, DC April 12, 2017.

Statement from White House Communications Director Jason Miller:

President Trump is very pleased to announce that he has brought the issue of North Korean nuclear capability to a final conclusion. Through his superior power of intellect and his trademark style of forceful negotiation, the President was able to successfully convince North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un to fully disclose to the world that he possesses nuclear weaponry that is able to reach the mainland of the United States. President Trump views this as a victory in terms of openness and clarity in the international community, and he looks forward to working with the North Korean government in the future to encourage a free and open exchange of transparency when it comes to matters of ballistic armament and capability.

President Trump also would like to extend his thoughts and prayers towards the people of the San Francisco Bay Area and would continue to remind those not immediately impacted in terms of living status to procure the proper environmental safety equipment necessary to deal with all side effects related to the events of April 11th, especially if they plan on venturing outside to view the extent of the aftermath. President Trump remains confident that those individuals will be able to move forward and that a proper rebuilding process of the Affected Zone will come to fruition. In the meantime, President Trump urges all Americans to donate graciously to the Trump Foundation for the people affected, to which President Trump himself will then ensure all funds will be properly disbursed to the proper sources at his own personal discretion.