Wife and I have been together for so long, that our consent is purely body language, or level of chore accomplishments completed.

If not, then it's not so much.

In my example, it would probably have been easy enough to have gotten a yes from that person. But, that's not my style at all. It's easy to not have sex. It's less easy to overcome regrets from having sex that is less than truly consensual.

I have no regrets from any sexual encounters. I don't plan for that to ever change.

from back when he was a young prospector staking claims within the accepted guidelines.

is not something I would ever do. However, if a man "wheedles and whines" a woman, she says "yes" to sex, and they do the deed, that is not rape IMO and I don't think the guy should go to prison.

I suggested that I wouldn't do it. I have my own personal standards. They've worked very well for me over the years.

Wheedling and whining is really, really weak sauce, it seems to me. Half-hearted consent isn't enough for me. What fun is there in that?

didn't consent? Men who do this know if their victim is alone in her apartment and figures that no one would believe her that she didn't consent. That if she fought she would end up raped AND battered?

....

says he just wants to "talk." Once inside the door he menaces her and she realizes she is in real danger of being batterred if she doesn't comply. The boat analogy is not the best you could come up with.

Granted it happens significantly less frequently for a number reasons, but guys of course also have the right to not be coerced or whined into sex.

Consent is a two way street.

I don't think you intended to suggest otherwise, but there are also men who find themselves reluctantly having sex when they don't want to. I think that part of teaching men to not rape is to better understand and control our own sexuality. We don't need to be driven to have sex to be seen as "manly" we can have days or times where we don't feel like having sex is the right choice. We need to advance past the idea that men have to always pursue sex or "give it to her" and women have to defend their "virtue" or "give it up".

I think that is critical to developing an understanding that women don't owe us sex.

I am so thankful to the men I met in college who were respectful and gracious as you were. I am only now realizing how lucky I was to have met such gentlemen.

The advice I would give to any young person would be to seek out such people and avoid those who are not.

When I was in my thirties and happily married, I became friends with a 20-something woman who was a checker at my supermarket.We'd chat every time I went though her line.

One day, she said, "Why do I always meet guys who are jerks? Where are the guys my age who are like you?" I had no immediate answer to offer. It was a strange thing to hear, really.

I thought about her question and mentioned it to my wife. She said that she found me because I was sort of shy, but friendly, and never pushed her in any way.

Next time I saw my young friend, I told her to keep her eyes open and watch for shy guys her age who always seemed to come through her line. Start conversations with them, I suggested..

Six months later, my wife and I went to her wedding. In the receiving line, she said, "I followed your advice about shy guys. You were right." 30 years later, I still get Christmas greetings from her, always with a photo of her, her husband and her children, who now are starting their own families. Shy people are almost always kind people, I've found.

As an introvert, I am always attracted to shy men. I don't like the loud, showy types. Hopefully your advice will work for me as well someday!

Gives me the feels....

And it is so simple.

All circumstances are unique... It seem that a lot of men need to learn how to control themselves. No offense to the men here, of course.

Obviously you behaved like a perfectly rational and reasonable young man. How sad is it that we have to even consider that to be unique behavior?

I was 17 and he was 23... He - we - waited all year until I graduated from high school.. Treated me like gold, always kindly. And he asked at least three or four times, that special night, "Are you sure?" "Are you sure you're sure?" I may have been a little tiny bit frustrated the last time he asked the question. But he was thinking of me, not himself. Well, you don't get do-overs... You should choose when you are ready.

That Christmas I gave him a sand castle.
Another year went by, we went our separate ways. Never really split up, just let go, different city and college for me. I wasn't ready to settle down.

Never talked again. Until three years ago. I was thinking about him on a glorious fall morning, about his kindness as a first bf. I said to an empty blue Chicago sky on my morning walk to work along the river, "Wherever you are, I hope you are happy, because you deserve it. You were always kind to me, and always made me feel loved."

I got an email from him *that very afternoon*. He'd found me on a social network -- I have a common enough name, he hadn't found me until that day. We emailed, facetimed, visited. Same person now as he was then, mostly. Makes me laugh and always supportive. Both of us have fine sons; both had expected to spend our remaining lives alone. Within a few weeks we knew our paths were meant to be together again. Been together ever since.

Life is magic, sometimes. You never know what tomorrow brings, good or bad. But treating people in your life kindly and with respect is far-reaching. He reminds me sometimes, with a twinkle in his eyes, with the phrase, "Are you sure??" I recently gave him a little engraved rock that says, "I am sure."

I was visiting his place out-of-state a couple of weeks ago, helping him organize. And I saw it there, on the very top shelf in his living room. Was the first I had noticed it, but it's actually been there all along, he told me. No one had ever questioned it, and he had kept it. Maybe one day we will retire to a little house on the beach, but regardless, even if it's an ordinary little suburban home, we'll still have a little castle, too.

I'm very glad for you.

until my young lady friends would say either "are we going to do this?" or the preferential option, when they'd begin removing my clothes.

I kid, usually I was way too nervous or cautious to ever push the subject.