It seems you are considering discussing what Tony said with everyone or anyone other than Tony.

And last night would not have been the time. I had arguments with him before when he is drunk and he is a total dick.

who drops the n bomb on me during conversation. Maybe you should confront him before you start effecting his business. IMHO.

Ask why he thinks it's ok to use that word.

n/t

They probably know how to talk to their son. Tell them the language is offensive and makes you uncomfortable and that you feel forced to stop supporting your favorite coffee shop because of this. Even if they, too, are racist, hearing that racist language can cause their son's business to lose customers might make them rethink their position.

I know that this is very difficult -- it's much easier to say nothing and take your business elsewhere. But it's important for white people to speak up when white people say racist things. In this case, the people being racist are not white, but that's a detail.

is not under your control. You have to speak to him, though.

If he is in a customer service job, which he is, he needs to see the implications of what he is doing, and his racism needs to be confronted in any case.

Let him know if he uses racist terms, stereotypes and/or expresses racist ideas in your presence you will no longer interact with him. I would also let him know that if you choose to take your business elsewhere you will, out of respect for his parents, tell them the reason you are leaving. Same for any friends/acquaintances who question why you are no longer going to his coffee shop.

Always stand up to racism!

Tell him your grandfather was black and that term makes you uncomfortable.

I did that at a gas station once. The clerk, in a joking way, ask if I was trying to "jew" him because I gave him a dollar less than needed, hey I'm old. I said "I'm Jewish" and gave him a dirty look. You should have seen his face. Ok, it was a little white lie.

You don't owe him any explanation, and if he's like most racists, it wouldn't matter to him anyhow. Just quit him.

If the guy's parents actually did endure racism then definitely you should use that information to try to convince him.

Also

In a case like that, I ask the person, how would you feel if someone called you or your sister something like that? Most of us in America came from someplace else, or at least our families did. If you don't want people to criticize your ancestry, then you can't criticize the ancestry of others either.

It depends somewhat on how old they are. It is easier to influence someone the younger they are.

Remind him that if the country degenerates into a Hitler-style nightmare, he'll be in danger right along with the group he's trying to put down. When he promotes racism of any kind he's endangering himself and his family.

And I would tell anyone who cares to know.

I would like to tell a story though. Many years ago, before we had even met, husband, who was raised to be a racist--his brother still is--got into a conversation with a Native American man. My husband was saying typical racist shit about black people. The Native American looked him in the eye and told him how much he despised white people because what they had done to his people.

This conversation changed my husbands life--he had never before considered that white people could actually be so wrong, and so vile, that they could inspire hatred. He examinined his own racism and through the help of his NA friend, is like me--we don't tolerate racism, we call it out. If such a conversation could help Tony, that would be great. If not, I wouldn't stay silent. I wouldn't try to sabotage him, but I would call him out every time he makes a racist comment.

comments and delivering them anonymously to "Tony" and also perhaps his parents as well.

Maybe there is a teachable and transcendent moment here?

But here it is:

We have a lot of terms of abuse. Some we use because we hate the kind of person involved. Some we use because they're specific to the person involved.

You can't always tell which is used when.

General terms are things like asshole, dickhead, prick, shithead, etc.

Terms that express ethnic hatred and superiority (or sexist superiority) we know. They're so taboo you can't even quote them without sensitive people feeling offended. Words aren't offensive; the intent and ideas behind them are. But like simple magic everywhere, at all times, we confuse words for things. Lots of languages have a heavy turnover of taboo words because of this; "bear" in Indo-European was a big scary thing, so Germanic uses the word for "dark" (which is what "brown" was called), Slavic uses "honey eater". For example. Because we don't stop to think that words are just conventional symbols for ideas agreed upon by a community of speakers.

In between are uses of things like "black dickhead" or "Latino asshole." In some cases we have words for the composite meaning. They tend to look and feel exactly like the terms for ethnic and sexist hatred because, well, when you're hating on a particular black person because of his behavior you're hating on a particular black person; when you're hating on a particular black person because of his ethnicity you're still hating on a particular black person.

This accounts for a lot of data that we have trouble dealing with. The person who's fine around an ethnic group and then lets drop a "racist" term when talking about a particular member of that group. Immediately we attribute the worst to his motives.

My mother was married to an Italian. Yet she used the word "dago" for some specific Italians. Sort of a portmanteau for "Italian dickhead". Same for "polak." "Polish dickhead"--even though her best friend and my godparents were a Polish-Italian couple, and my babysitter for many years was a Polish immigrant. She'd talk about the dagos and polaks, but it was shorthand for Polish and Italian idiots, the ones she hated. Not the ones that she was friends with.

We don't have such terms for every group, but I've heard "African-American," "Slav" (for Serbian), and "Jew" said with the same ill intent and snidness. But those aren't terms of hate, however much they expressed hate. Because we focus on the superficial, and go for the easy verdict and judgment.

This guy's a dickhead. An Arab dickhead. (And all the anti-Arab words I know tend to go wide of the mark, so I don't have a portmanteau term for that.) Maybe he's a racist. Before you rush to judgment based on the use of a word to describe somebody or some bodies, figure out if it's against them as members of their group or if it's just they're dickheads that happen to be black.

The problem is that small set of such words are taboo, meaning we have an unthinking, kneejerk reaction. The kind of reaction we despise in a lot of cases, but insist on in this because, well, otherwise we might be judged racist ourselves.

(Now, why do we use the terms for specific cases if we don't need to? Because English conversational practice says to say everything that's relevant or could be relevant as long as it's not giving too much information and being confusing or overwhelming.)

But last night, positive it was racism.
The conversation went like this, after the band played past the curfew, and I said
"Oh they ran late, I bet there will be complaints".
Tony said " if it were nigger music, nobody would complain".(with the irony that there aren't many, if any, black people in town).
I just went "whoa, I gotta go" and left.

In my experience, many American ethic minorities feel entitled to use the N word casually, in a non racist way (as do many white people who listen to a lot of hip hop). It can be hurtful, but that's not the same as racist.

Your acquaintance Tony? Probably a racist asshole; definitely not a smart businessman. I'd tell him that, too.

When someone uses that word or says something openly racist, immediately make it clear that it's unacceptable, unless you're seriously worried for your own safety. Say something like, "That's inappropriate," or "I don't appreciate that kind of racist talk." Then get up and leave. These people have to be told that their racism is not acceptable. It will make for a very uncomfortable situation, but we owe it to our Black brothers and sisters not to shy away from discomfort, when people are being killed for being Black.

What an odd comment.

I think he was just ready to go on a racist rant, and my comment provided the opening for him. Because, this was the first music event at this facility since 1975, and the band was a Pink Floyd cover band, it tells me he was ready to go full racist, no matter the rationale.

Are ya sure?

(Small town. Easy math.)

The cross over of patrons is small. In my group of geezers, non existent except for me. There are probably more than a few people at both establishments that use the words and share the racist attitude. (The Colin Kaepernick situation brings them out). Them I can avoid, but Tony and the coffee shop, not so much unless I want to end friendships and my morning group.(which keeps me sane).

is something a lot of non-AA's, but not Caucasian people, are. They especially feel they ARE better than any AA. They do adopt some of the worst traits of the white racist because they believe it makes them respected by their white male friends and culturally were that way in the first place. The history of the slave trade proved that. If someone like the trumpenfuhrer ever wins POTUS, when they come for me, THEY WILL come for the 'Tonys' also. I just don't understand how these people can't understand that. "What should you do"? Follow your conscience wherever it leads you. Good luck with your dilema. Hope it works out.

More?

I've said to people i've known. I told them i couldn't change their mind or their attitudes but i didn't want to hear that word around me.

Now, it becomes about being respectful to a pal and not about how terrible they are.

I would vote with my feet and my money.

No need to take him down, put this on yelp, etc. etc. If it is a small enough community - he will notice you no longer show up there. Better yet - some day after grabbing a starbucks - when you drive by. . . and see someone you just HAVE to say 'hey' to . . .

Pop in with Starbucks cup in hand and make a big deal about 'just had to say hello -can't stay - got it from the competition'.

Here's the thing -you are a white guy/gal - and you have the luxury to do what you want.

heaven05 and me (I'm ITA with him btw) - we can take a hard line approach.

Now - if you have black friends - let them know.

See, we talk. In 6 months it will be known as 'no blacks allowed' even if the sign isn't on the door - and then at least black folks will know they shouldn't go there.

What you're suggesting, JustAnotherGen, promotes segregation. Well, I've had more than enough of that. Everybody loses. Do you want to live in a town where there are black coffee houses and white coffee houses? What's next, Hatfields and McCoys feuding for generations? Good people fought hard to eliminate segregation. What do you tell your kids ten years from now when they can't go out to the coffee house with a mixed group of friends? We don't go to Tony's because he said an insult ten years ago? and Tony's friends don't go to Starbucks, and don't let their kids go there, because now they've labeled it a "black" coffee house -- they haven't hung out with us for years so they've been left alone to stoke each other's hate to the point where they don't want us around? Get over it. The right thing is to go talk to the guy, first. Boycott comes later if talk fails.

Considering the struggles America went through to end segregation, it bothers me considerably for someone to suggest so casually that we should embark on a course that leads back in that direction.

Don't know if you're religious, but the bible actually addresses this very question -- what to do when someone wrongs you. It says that you should talk to him first. If that fails, you should bring an additional friend or two to go talk to him again. If he still doesn't listen, THEN you bring it up for community action.
The passage starts at verse 15 in chapter 18 of Matthew.
15: If your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16: But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’…

"Let there be no mistake, the people who committed this crime did so because they feel comfortable and confident to commit hateful acts due to an ever increasing atmosphere of accepted racism. " - Peter Jacob - Democratic Candidate For the House - NJ-7th

link to Af AM Group:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1187

Link To Peter Jacob's Page. He had the racists come back last night and paint swastikas on his house. Twice in one weekend. Diverse District. Wealth Belt of NJ.
http://www.peterforcongress.com/home.html

Is Tony 12? Actually, no, tell his parents. That could be fun.

and he just slipped into saying that.

EDIT: NOT MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIS LANGUAGE...was just taking a shot at explaining, that's all.

The people who work ay the chains are still locals so you still help them.