Biden Making Plans To Go Completely Legit After Vice Presidency



WASHINGTON—Saying he needed to turn his life around before “ending up in deep shit,” outgoing Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly hatching plans Friday to go completely legit now that his term in office has concluded.

Biden, who longtime aides confirmed had made numerous phone calls inquiring about good, honest minimum-wage jobs, vowed to cease taking part in a variety of scams and petty crimes and move far away from the nation’s capital, where he believed he could finally make something of himself and become a productive member of society.

“I’ve lived like there’s no tomorrow for fuck knows how many years now, but mark my words, sooner or later, if I don’t straighten out, some hardass will be throwing Uncle Joe in the joint or a pine overcoat,” said the vice president, who expressed a deep sense of regret that his back-alley street dice game, his “plum” fencing racket, and his bootleg merchandise operation had caused so much pain for loved ones. “Everybody knows trouble fits me like a pair of tight cutoffs that only cover half your ass cheeks. I’ve done plenty of things I’m not proud of, and a whole lot more that I sure as hell can’t remember. Got nothing to show for it except a few scars, a bitchin’ spoiler on the Zam, and a rap sheet longer than my dong.”

“From now on, I gotta keep a low profile and steer clear of Johnny Law,” continued Biden. “It’s time for Ol’ Joe to play it straight.”

http://www.theonion.com/article/biden-making-plans-go-completely-legit-after-vice--55107