Just Wondering ...

My Dearest Donald Trump:

I voted for you based on your campaign promises, so I’m just wonderin’ about a few things. I know you’re busy, what with signing executive orders you’re too busy to read and all. But if you could take a few minutes to respond, I’d really appreciate the effort.

You said you’d bring jobs back to America. I can’t help but notice that you still have all of your own brand-name merchandise manufactured in low-wage countries, along with all of the textiles and furnishings used in your hotels. When will you be bringing those jobs back to the US? Just wonderin’.

You said you would make us all safer by deporting "bad people". So far, my cleaning lady, my handyman, and the nice lady down the street who looks after everyone's kids when they come home from school are the only ones I've seen deported. How is this making us safer? Just wonderin’.

You promised to repeal Obamacare and replace it with something that would cover the healthcare needs of all citizens. Now you’re saying that healthcare coverage is more complicated than anyone knew. When do you think you’ll have it all figured out? Just wonderin’.

And I hate to harp, but if Obamacare is such a “disaster”, why are so many people who have it furious about losing it? Just wonderin’.

You keep referring to the “mess” you inherited. Under Obama, unemployment went down, the stock market went up, crime went down, and home ownership went up, et cetera. So exactly what is the “mess” you inherited? Just wonderin’.

I am thrilled to know how popular you are – which must be true, because you keep telling us about it. So why do your approval ratings keep sinking? And how come the demonstrations supporting you only amount to twelve people or less showing up? Just wonderin’.

I cheered when you said that once elected, you wouldn’t be wasting time playing golf and taking vacations, because you’d be too busy working for the American people. You’ve now spent every weekend vacationing and playing golf. So exactly when does this no-vacations/no golfing thing come into effect? Just wonderin’.

I was exhilarated when you announced that you didn’t require intelligence briefings because you're already incredibly smart, and have a genius IQ. So why do all of your Tweets always sound so unbelievably stupid? Has that dumbass Kellyanne hacked into your account? Just wonderin’.

I applaud your call-out of the “fake news”. It’s just awful what those so-called journalists are allowed to say, trotting out facts and all. But why are you getting your facts from “fake news” outlets like Breitbart and crackpots like Alex Jones? Just wonderin’.

I appreciate your efforts to rid us of regulations and over-blown bureaucracies that serve no purpose. But does this mean I’ll have to test my own drinking water and inspect my own meat from here on in? I’m not complaining, mind you – but I need to know what equipment I’ll have to buy before my family succumbs to poisoning and the like. Again, just wonderin’.

I can’t thank you enough for ignoring those billionaires and putting “regular folk” in your Cabinet. They’re probably sick and tired of living on Caviar Helper. So are you paying them salaries they can finally scrape-by on? Just wonderin’.

Of course, I am beyond thrilled that you are now going after that Obama bastard. Just between us, I am convinced that the only reason he was a successful, accomplished, and globally-respected president was to show you up. Have you gathered together all the evidence you need to prove he “tapped your wires”? Just wonderin’.

I know you’re probably exhausted right now, because presidentin’ is hard work that often involves readin’, writin’, and even arithmetic. But I thank you in advance for answering my questions when you find the time – maybe between Tweets about our nation’s sworn enemies like Nordstrom’s, grabbing pussies, and phone calls to Putin for further instructions.

One last question, if I may? When are you going to figure out that everyone with a functioning brain knows you’re an incompetent, treasonous idiot who doesn’t know sweet fuck-all about tying your own shoelaces, no less running a country?

Just wonderin’.