Dear RNC

I am considering joining the Republican party, and need some advice.

I am as dumb as a brick, never keep myself informed of political goings-on, and am gullible in the extreme. I have no problem with blatant hypocrisy on the part of elected representatives, and don’t mind being lied to by the people I vote for. So as you can see, I will fit in nicely with your “base”.

My decision to join your esteemed party was prompted by the incredible accomplishments of pResident Trump during his first hundred days in office. (I guess it’s actually a lot less days if you don’t count the ones he was golfing – but I’m not a nit-picker like those libruls.)

I was deeply impressed by his efforts to keep Mooslim terrorists out of the country – which he could have pulled off, if it wasn’t for an outdated Constitution, the rule of law (whatever THAT is), and some so-called judge on an island in the middle of the Pacific.

I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to have someone as stupid as me sitting in the Oval Office. So what if he can’t spell or put a coherent sentence together? What’s the big deal with not knowing anything about NATO, or American history, or how our government actually works? I don’t know any of that shit either – so why should he?

So what if pResident Trump cheated people out of their money, pocketed funds collected by his “charitable foundation”, and continues to outsource American jobs to low-wage countries? It’s not like I wouldn’t do the same if given the chance.

I’m sure that if Obama hadn’t tapped his wires, pResident Trump would already have his face on Mount Rushmore. Instead he is constantly called a liar – just because he lies. Is that any reason to call someone a liar?

And this whole “Russian ties” thing – it’s an obvious attempt by Democrats to discredit a man who wants what is best for the citizenry, like ensuring they don’t have healthcare insurance – or clean water to drink, or clear air to breathe – while funding more important things like a border wall (or at least a multi-billion dollar border picket fence) that will keep those pesky Mexican drug lords from harvesting the crops that are now withering in the fields.

My main area of concern in joining your party is my own political ambitions. I would like to run for office as a Republican, and just want to get the ground rules straight.

Exactly how many personal scandals am I allowed before being disqualified to run? Is a sex scandal more OR less detrimental than being caught with my hand in the till?

How many family members can I divert money to by claiming they are working as assistants or advisors? Five? Ten? More?

If I actually care about my fellow citizens, how much does that count against me?

I am NOT an old white male Christian – do I still have a shot at being elected to office?

I think that women should still have the right to vote – can this glaring fault be overcome?

I still believe we should abide by the Constitution – do you have prepared talking points that can “explain away” this unfortunate belief?

I really, REALLY want to be a Republican. I just need some guidance as to exactly how devoid of compassion, ethics, morality, and patriotism is required in order to qualify to be a member, along with advice on just how unprincipled one needs to be to run for office on your party's ticket.

And, hey, thanks in advance for your help!