Borowitz - CALLING EARTH A LOSER, TRUMP VOWS TO MAKE BETTER DEAL WITH NEW PLANET
CALLING EARTH A “LOSER,” TRUMP VOWS TO MAKE BETTER DEAL WITH NEW PLANET
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a dramatic announcement from the White House Rose Garden on Thursday, Donald J. Trump pronounced the planet Earth a “loser” and vowed to make a better deal with a new planet.
“Earth is a terrible, very bad planet,” he told the White House press corps. “It’s maybe the worst planet in the solar system, and it’s far from the biggest.”
Trump blasted former President Barack Obama for signing deals that committed the United States to remain on the planet Earth indefinitely. “Obama is almost as big a loser as Earth,” Trump said. “If Obama was a planet, guess what planet he’d be? That’s right: Earth.”
When asked which planet he would make a new deal with, Trump offered few specifics, saying only, “The solar system has millions of terrific planets, and they’re all better than Earth, which is a sick, failing loser.”
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Someone is going to have to clean up the human excrement that is sure to pile up daily. 
I was told as a child that Venus was just like earth before the Republicans took that planet over.
A few centuries of fossil fuels and miserable environmental practices and VOILA! Venus as it is today.
for the humor impaired
