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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsThis shit is real, right? I'm not just hallucinating all this shit?
Well Resisters, America's two Racist Dads are fighting! The media is chock full of reports that the Marmalade Shartcannon and his Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard find themselves at odds! Shartboy's all hot n' bothered that Ol' Beau recused himself from the Russia investigation for the lil' ol' reason that he was caught a-perjurin' hisself before the cawngress. Sources tell me the President hit Sessions several times on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, while proclaiming Sessions to be a "bad boy," and Beau retaliated by whizzing on the Oval Office carpet.
It's a weird kind of sad when two withered old Klansmen, brought together by their shared certainty in the innate superiority of mediocre white dudes like themselves are pushed apart by their own blistering incompetence. Did I say sad? Wait, I meant FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Speaking of hilarious, it seems the Hairplug That Ate Decency is having trouble finding lawyers to defend him in the whole Russia shitstorm. Turns out a lifetime of stiffing contractors makes it hard to employ top-of-the-line professionals when the shit gets Legit Real. Oh well. I'm sure Michael Cohen can handle things, TEE FUCKING HEE.
Amateur Congressman/World-Class Pigfucker Devin Nunes keeps playing these weird little games where he acts all impish about whether or not he's actually recused himself from the Russia investigation, or if he's still blocking for the Shart House with all the finesse of a Beetle Bailey character played by Dane Cook. You almost feel bad for poor Devin. He's the single most likely figure in this whole drama to wind up imprisoned; not necessarily because of wrongdoing, but because he's the kind of dude who could accidentally lock himself in a closet.
The Shart of the Deal apparently hit on the genius idea of paying for his Big Stupid Mexican Border Wall by covering it with solar panels! I guess Mexico owns the Sun now, because personally I was told they'd be paying for this wall. Maybe he can sell ads, and the Wall will be covered in posters promising miracle penis enlargement cures.
We learned that Eric "We Only Dropped Him Twice" Drumpf runs a charity that raises money for kids with cancer, good for him! Only, apparently his dad used the charity as a revenue stream, not so good for him! Yeah, the Shart Family Robinson would announce big schmancy charity golf games at Drumpf-owned courses, and they'd tell everyone Donnie Cheapskate donated the course time out of the goodness of his heart, but then later they'd not only claim course rental fees, but unusually large ones, because these are the kinds of purely evil scumfucks who would steal money from CHILDREN WITH CANCER.
In a bit of irony so dark it'd make Alanis Morissette wither to dust and blow away in the wind, Eric went on Hannity THE VERY SAME DAY THE STEALING-FROM-KIDS-WITH-CANCER STORY BROKE to tell everyone how the people standing up to his pussy-grabbing, cheap crook, STEALS FROM KIDS WITH CANCER shitsack dad are "not even people." Anyway, thanks for sending ever-stronger signals to deranged rage monsters like the guy who just slit three strangers' throats in Portland that we're all subhuman, and therefore totally ok to murder, Eric. You're gonna get reincarnated as nursing home toilet bowl, bro.
The news from Kansas, meanwhile, was fan-fucking-tastic, as Sam Brownback's zany "experiment" in strangling government to death like a common piss hooker seems to have finally run its course! Sick of problems like "We can't even afford to keep schools open, is this even America?," even the REPUBLICANS in the Kansas legislature overrode Goody Brownback's veto of his failed tax cuts, beginning the Sunflower State's slow, painful climb back into the 21st century.
Didja see that shit where the Big Saudi Arms Deal that the Candycorn Skidmark couldn't stop crowing about isn't actually a Big Arms Deal but a Big Fat Fucking Sham? Yeah, turns out, it's a bunch of raw horseshit where the Saudis made a big list of Shit We Might Buy Someday if the Price of Oil Ever Goes Up Again but importantly involves NO ACTUAL CONTRACTS so it's like the arms deal equivalent of talking about the sweet full-torso tattoo of the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers poster you're gonna get someday when you save up the cash.
ISIS staged a major terrorist attack in Tehran, Iran. Now, I get that Iran and the USA aren't exactly on the sorts of terms where one nation calls up the other at 9:15 to see if hey, you wanna go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 again, maybe grab some churros later?, but the Shart Administration's "Oh did a bunch of innocent people die in a terrorist attack in your country, SUCKS THAT YOU DESERVED IT SO MUCH" statement was perhaps a wee bit gauche.
We woke up today to the news that Donald J Trump (The J stands for "I want to fuck my own daughter, is that weird?" had nominated Some Dude to head up the FBI after he fired the last dude who ran the FBI for refusing to demonstrate "loyalty," so the whole nation was immediately filled with confidence in the new guy. And hey, if the dude happened to work at a firm that's worked previously for the Drumpf family, and if he happened to defend Chris Christie in Bridgegate, well...shit, he doesn't even crack the Top Ten Most Corrupt Fucksticks in This Administration list, so let's just give him an expense account and a banana plantation, ok?
Anyhow, four soggy old white guys went to the Senate today to give some testimony or some shit. They had this super-clever plan to not answer the questions they didn't want to answer, and chuckle amongst themselves when nobody noticed.
Folks noticed.
All the Democratic, and even some of the Republican Senators on the committee were all, "Y U NO ANSWER QUESTIONS, OLD WHITE GUYS," and the Old White Guys were like "Because, REASONS," and the Senators were like "That is some raw, unfiltered, bullshit you are serving us, and you are telling us it is a delicious steak but IT IS NOT A DELICIOUS STEAK IT IS BULLSHIT." Senator Martin Heinrich got all mad, and Senator Angus King got even madder, and Senator Kamala Harris tried to get mad, but then Senator Richard Burr went "Hush little lady, the menfolk is talking" because Senator Richard Burr is trash.
Anyway, the POINT is, Admiral Mike Rogers and DNI Dan Coats (who spent the hearing looking vaguely frightened that the hearing would go on so long that he'd miss the MATLOCK marathon running this afternoon) were repeatedly asked whether or not Shartolo Colon asked them to interfere in the Russia investigation, and they refused to say No, which is what a normal person would do if the answer was No, so, y'know, draw the only logical conclusion you could.
Anyhow, I heard some other dude is testifying tomorrow....Jim Varney, or something? I dunno, it's probably not a big deal.
Whoever this Varney guy is, he released a text version of his opening statement this afternoon, because la-dee-da, he is HOT SHIT. It basically confirms all the stories that've leaked these last few weeks, that the President was all "Hey Jimmy, do me a solid and ease off my buddy Mike Flynn, what's a few federal crimes between Best Bud Bros, WHICH IS WHAT WE TOTALLY ARE, RIGHT?" and "Hey, Jimbo, know what's so much more important than a bunch of cabinet secretaries perjuring themselves and having an unregistered foreign agent as the NSA and a hostile foreign power interfering in American elections, and piss hookers NOT THAT ANYONE LIKES PISS HOOKERS? Loyalty. LOYALTY TO YOUR PRESIDENT WHO IS COINCIDENTALLY ME." Also that bit where he told Jeff Sessions "Hey, don't leave me alone with the President, he is trying to destroy the fundamental pillars of American Democracy and he also might not notice I don't have a pussy until his tiny fingers are clenching my scrotum."
Mike Pence made a few headlines by cancelling an interview with PBS at the very last minute. The popular narrative is that he ducked out to deal with the fallout of the release of the Comey testimony, but I think we all know that he accidentally glimpsed an unusually shapely fire hydrant and had the secret service whisk him to a secure location to furiously fap until he passed out in a puddle of shame and the gooey, stale-marshmallow-like substance that serves as his dirty, sinful, spooj.
Anyhow. Shit, as scientists have observed, be cray. Things'll get really nutty tomorrow, but I will be traveling, let me know how it goes, folks.
And please...remember to live every week like it's Infrastructure Week.
Hayduke Bomgarte
(1,965 posts)Especially the " reincarnated as nursing home toilet bowl" line.
Good work.
unblock
(52,253 posts)MontanaMama
(23,322 posts)Where have you been all my life? I can't pick a favorite line...it's all my favorite. Dammit you are funny.
furtheradu
(1,865 posts)Thank You for Your Writing.
Thank YOU. 💖
mhw
(678 posts)Phoenix61
(17,006 posts)Safe travels. Can't wait to read your next post.
bdtrppr6
(796 posts)"he's the kind of dude who could accidentally lock himself in a closet."
yes. how do these people get in office in the first place?
thank you.
The Polack MSgt
(13,190 posts)Nicely done
MadDAsHell
(2,067 posts)We're better than making light of brain injured kids to make a political point...I think?
dweller
(23,641 posts)hopefully ...
OhNo-Really
(3,985 posts)Compared to the unrelenting, jaw dropping, fear invoking reality that is USA/USSR NOW.
Thank you for your Humor Chasers to help clear the pallette polluted by the dastardly Donald et al Cucktails..
Laughter is a healing balm.
I am hoping The Comey Hearing gets more views/higher ratings than the recent inauguration.
dchill
(38,505 posts)Hugin
(33,164 posts)Last edited Thu Jun 8, 2017, 09:07 AM - Edit history (1)
Through an unbelievable barrage of horseshit seeking some remote chance (against incredible odds) that they might glean some tiny crumb of the truth from hostile conspiratorial witnesses, the highest honor I am able to assign:
The Brown Ribbon of Valor!
For Bravery While Under Sustained Enema Fire.
With Senators Heinrich, King, and Harris each receiving a silver monkey-flinging-poo crest in addition for going above and beyond.
God bless you all... and wear them with pride, Patriots!
(I'm tearing up here... Maybe, a little dust in my eye.)
hedda_foil
(16,375 posts)"It's a weird kind of sad when two withered old Klansmen, brought together by their shared certainty in the innate superiority of mediocre white dudes like themselves are pushed apart by their own blistering incompetence."
I love it!!!!
byronius
(7,395 posts)irisblue
(32,982 posts)Dem2theMax
(9,651 posts)And as another poster has already pointed out, the image of Eric as a future 'nursing home toilet bowl' had me laughing
through the entire piece.
I do want to add that I think that the 'J' in Donald J. Drumpf, still stands for Fuckhead, as you wrote in your last post.
I'm still laughing at that one.
And the 'Drumpf' is correct spelling for me. That is his real last name. I cannot write, say, look at, the word that starts with a 'T.' In fact, my browser changes all things 'T' to Drumpf. Makes one tiny part of life a little easier to bear these days.
Thank you, TheFerret. Happy travels tomorrow. Come home soon, home to DU.
ProudProgressiveNow
(6,129 posts)Midnight Writer
(21,768 posts)He starts with "First of all, mandate my ass!".
He ends with "This ain't really life. This ain't nothing but a movie".
leftieNanner
(15,124 posts)I had to read that part three times because at that point I was laughing so hard I couldn't see. My husband wants to know what is wrong with me.
Thank you Ferret!
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,640 posts)How can you be traveling during the HEARING?
You mean, you have a life? Well, of course you do.
Please hurry back!
We'll leave the light on for you. And the string out.
GREAT WRITING!
Lugnut
(9,791 posts)HipChick
(25,485 posts)KT2000
(20,584 posts)through this thing so - THANKS!
CentralMass
(15,265 posts)I think that the "Penis Elargement Ads" on the border wall is something that tRump might use.
oasis
(49,389 posts)Granny M
(1,395 posts)with a laugh. You hit it out of the park, again. You should write a book, TheFerret.
oldtime dfl_er
(6,931 posts)for the laughs and the insight.
Lokilooney
(322 posts)Bwahahahahahah....
seriously though shit mountain is getting so high it seems like most people with a basic survival instinct are staying away from it for fear of an avalanche.
Warren DeMontague
(80,708 posts)"Hallucination"? Man, we're living in a novel written by an acidhead. It's not even up for debate anymore.
denbot
(9,900 posts)I always enjoy your take on things.
Sunlei
(22,651 posts)iamateacher
(1,089 posts)Thanks
Barack_America
(28,876 posts)Well done.
Achilleaze
(15,543 posts)f*ckin republicans.
deplorable
flying rabbit
(4,635 posts)boston bean
(36,221 posts)smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)Nay
(12,051 posts)who then spews hot coffee onto his keyboard.
Never stop!
Blaukraut
(5,693 posts)kimbutgar
(21,163 posts)Candy corn skid mark is best description. I will remember this description with a chuckle when I get depressed over chump
heaven05
(18,124 posts)our potus is a crook, immoral, perverted, a serial liar, idiot, twisted, evil, corrupt, debauched, sick, abnormal, deviant, grotesque, monstrous, vicious and wicked...."now isn't that special"?
BSdetect
(8,998 posts)cpamomfromtexas
(1,245 posts)dalton99a
(81,516 posts)Thanks, Ferret!
Vinca
(50,278 posts)lunatica
(53,410 posts)bullwinkle428
(20,629 posts)treestar
(82,383 posts)Hilarious
maveric
(16,445 posts)Mosby
(16,319 posts)maveric
(16,445 posts)And he is quite the character.
underpants
(182,829 posts)PJMcK
(22,037 posts)Great writing! I love your posts, TheFerret.
I hope you make at least some of your living from writing or another creative endeavor. You have a uniqueness that should be heard.
Leghorn21
(13,524 posts)Lotusflower70
(3,077 posts)That's fantastic. I needed that.
Marmalade Shartcannon and his Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard
Shartolo Colon
It's a weird kind of sad when two withered old Klansmen, brought together by their shared certainty in the innate superiority of mediocre white dudes
Sources tell me the President hit Sessions several times on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, while proclaiming Sessions to be a "bad boy," and Beau retaliated by whizzing on the Oval Office carpet
All the Democratic, and even some of the Republican Senators on the committee were all, "Y U NO ANSWER QUESTIONS, OLD WHITE GUYS," and the old white guys were like "Because reasons"
VOX
(22,976 posts)One of the best things to happen in 2017. This fella is good for the rent!
Cheers--
stopwastingmymoney
(2,042 posts)southerncrone
(5,506 posts)What a gifted comedic-writer you are! Simply brilliant!