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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsROFLMAO!!! Charles P. Pierce: Beyond Misery in America: A Modest Proposal for Willard
Willard Romney, onetime dauphin prince of the Mexican outback and current presumptive nominee of the only Republican party we have, has been having a rough week there up at his lakeside retreat in the small town of Silly Rich Bastard, New Hampshire. He's gotten himself tangled up (again) with his previous incarnations, particularly the Self that once deigned to govern Massachusetts for about 11 minutes back in the early Aughts. That one put in place a mandate requiring that all citizens of the Commonwealth (God Save It!) buy health insurance, or else pay a penalty that would be collected by the state revenoo'ers. The current Willard, of course, is opposed to mandates because he is the nominee of a party full of crazy people. He and his campaign have spent a week trying to decide if the crazy people are less likely to disembowel them if they call such a mandate a "penalty" or a "tax" in relation to the Obama administration's success at bringing Romney's original Massachusetts plan to the masses. He's also being sniped at by various allegedly non-crazy leaders of his party for not being the candidate of their dreams. All of which seems to be harshing the general mellow up in the piney woods.
Once again, I put upon my head my speechwriter's hat it is a lovely green fedora with a red feather in the band and offer the Romney campaign my services in this strange, floundering hour of its discontent. I believe it doesn't have to be this way. I believe in addressing the problems head-on, as you will see.
**
I'm Mitt Romney, bitches, and I'm all you got left.
Look at me up here in one of my three primary residences, zipping around Lake You Can't Afford It in my jet-ski with just enough chest hair showing, and gathering my incredibly beautiful, incredibly wonderful, incredibly wealthy family around me to celebate the Fourth Of July the way all Americans do, except with better cars. It's almost hard to believe up here that I actually had to go all around the country to buy this nomination. I could've closed the deal from my hammock here. No, though, I was willing to go out and meet some of those people. And now, I'm back in the hammock anyway and,
Once again, I put upon my head my speechwriter's hat it is a lovely green fedora with a red feather in the band and offer the Romney campaign my services in this strange, floundering hour of its discontent. I believe it doesn't have to be this way. I believe in addressing the problems head-on, as you will see.
**
I'm Mitt Romney, bitches, and I'm all you got left.
Look at me up here in one of my three primary residences, zipping around Lake You Can't Afford It in my jet-ski with just enough chest hair showing, and gathering my incredibly beautiful, incredibly wonderful, incredibly wealthy family around me to celebate the Fourth Of July the way all Americans do, except with better cars. It's almost hard to believe up here that I actually had to go all around the country to buy this nomination. I could've closed the deal from my hammock here. No, though, I was willing to go out and meet some of those people. And now, I'm back in the hammock anyway and,
ROFLMAO!!! Read the rest at Esquire.....you might think about finding some Depends or at least a waterproof cover to whatever you're sitting on before clicking.
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ROFLMAO!!! Charles P. Pierce: Beyond Misery in America: A Modest Proposal for Willard (Original Post)
tpsbmam
Jul 2012
OP
malaise
(269,054 posts)1. Delish
Thanks
Tennessee Gal
(6,160 posts)2. HAHAHAHAHA!
annabanana
(52,791 posts)3. Sweet Jebus that was HYSTERICAL!. . . n/t
handmade34
(22,756 posts)4. worth the read
Wellstone ruled
(34,661 posts)5. Just a typical Fourth Celabration
for the 1%ers. Willard loves himself oh so much!!!! Wonder if he tripped his daughter in law again in his family games??
geckosfeet
(9,644 posts)6. Oh boy. This really rings true. And it's funny!
Beyond Misery in America: A Modest Proposal for Willard
These people all have futures, or they think they do, anyway. (Even Jindal does, like he's got a shot with those hayshakers I met this year. Most of them will ask him to sell them a lottery ticket.) You think they'd be up here in chipmunk country sucking up to me and all the rest of the walking orthodonture in my family if they didn't know what's what in the real world? You think they'd be demeaning themselves in all these different ways if they didn't know I could deliver? You know what the difference is right now between Tim Pawlenty and the guy who trims my hedges? A green card. You don't think I could send Portman out for whiskey and Chinese hookers any time I want to? Is it a penalty? Is it a tax? You think I care? I can write a check and buy English and change words to mean anything I want them to mean. "Horse" is now "deduction." See how it works? "Penalty" and "tax" and "fee" all mean the same thing. They mean I don't have to pay them. I own English now. Say something. Go ahead, I dare you. Say something and you owe me a buck royalties and you better believe I'm coming for it because,
I'm Mitt Romney, bitches, and I'm all you got left.
Read the rest...
Beyond Misery in America: A Modest Proposal for Willard
These people all have futures, or they think they do, anyway. (Even Jindal does, like he's got a shot with those hayshakers I met this year. Most of them will ask him to sell them a lottery ticket.) You think they'd be up here in chipmunk country sucking up to me and all the rest of the walking orthodonture in my family if they didn't know what's what in the real world? You think they'd be demeaning themselves in all these different ways if they didn't know I could deliver? You know what the difference is right now between Tim Pawlenty and the guy who trims my hedges? A green card. You don't think I could send Portman out for whiskey and Chinese hookers any time I want to? Is it a penalty? Is it a tax? You think I care? I can write a check and buy English and change words to mean anything I want them to mean. "Horse" is now "deduction." See how it works? "Penalty" and "tax" and "fee" all mean the same thing. They mean I don't have to pay them. I own English now. Say something. Go ahead, I dare you. Say something and you owe me a buck royalties and you better believe I'm coming for it because,
I'm Mitt Romney, bitches, and I'm all you got left.
Read the rest...
Beyond Misery in America: A Modest Proposal for Willard
Scuba
(53,475 posts)7. The first comment deserves a post of its own...
"Here's a truly modest proposal for Willard: sell the kids and grandkids for medical experiments, sell everything you own, clean out every account you have on Planet Earth (go ahead and keep the ones on Altair IV), take the money amassed from all of this activity, convert it to paper currency, and eat every last bit of it. This will produce more worthwhile byproducts than anything you will do should the nation's syphilitic political system give you the keys to the White House."
Spitfire of ATJ
(32,723 posts)8. Oh man,....that's brilliant....
And Murdoch? He doesn't like me? Tell you what: How about I get in there and revoke that tin citizenship medal that he's got and let him go back to selling titty magazines to sheep farmers in Queensland.
The Velveteen Ocelot
(115,733 posts)9. Funny!
libodem
(19,288 posts)10. Loved it
Very witty.
ewagner
(18,964 posts)11. RICH!!!!
(pun intended)
kellytore
(182 posts)12. Love it!
Spazito
(50,365 posts)13. Damn, you need to put the Depends warning at the beginning!
It's too late for me but it might save someone else! After a change of clothing AND a Depends I am off to read the whole thing.
Overseas
(12,121 posts)14. What a fun read! Yikes!
TheCowsCameHome
(40,168 posts)15. His is good.
No two ways about it.
Amonester
(11,541 posts)16. That last paragraph is so true:
I can write a check and buy English and change words to mean anything I want them to mean. "Horse" is now "deduction." See how it works? "Penalty" and "tax" and "fee" all mean the same thing. They mean I don't have to pay them. I own English now.
The Truth:
I can write a check and buy Lawmakers and change words that allow me to do anything I want legally. "Robbery" is now "Offshore Investment." See how it works? "Penalty" and "tax" and "fee" all mean the same thing. They mean I don't have to pay them. I own Lawmakers now.
The second comment at Esquire by Josh Linehan.
Spazito
(50,365 posts)18. I just have to kick this back up, it is too good, too funny to miss! n/t