I get two scoops! It's like, this scoop ovah heah, that's a good scoop. The otha scoop's good too.

It's like women, too. Ovah heah, I got a wife, and ovah theah, I got a mistress. Both have their good qualities. It's not like one is bad and one is good, they both have their time and purpose.

It's like my favorite line in Goodfellas, when Joe Pesci's mom tells him he needs to settle down with a good woman, and he says he does, every night. I can do that because I'm famous. I don't even ask. I just move on 'em. I'm like God when he created the universe, though. On the seventh day I rest. But come Monday, it's the art of the deal.

You know that's the truth, unless you're in the fake media, because you don't tell the truth, because you're fake.

I won.

Did you know that?

I won, and not just from the electoral college. I had the biggest popular vote of any president if you don't count the 3,000,000 dead illegal immigrants who voted for Crooked Hillary..

Would you like a hot pocket? We have to heat it in the regular oven because we had all of the microwaves removed. You know, Obama. You would? Okay, that'll be $5. You pay me, then you eat.

Hey, I have a map I want you to take with you. Just look at this map. Beautiful, right? See all that red? That's my votes. There'd be more red except there were these 3,000,000 dead illegal immigrants who voted for Crooked Hillary...did you hear about that? It's TRUE. MANY people are talking about it. MANY people.

I gotta go now. They want me to read something about nazis or some other crap. They say that if I read it everyone will shut up. That's what I like, when everyone shuts up. Unless it's at one of my rallies. Then they can cheer all they want, it doesn't bother me.

When we have chicken at the White House, I get an extra dish of sauce. I have a red button I press and some stooge brings me all the Diet Cokes I want. I'm president. That's why. Gotta go. Nice talkin' to ya.