We're still debating Nazis? In 2017? Sure, that's normal.

Hey everybody, before we get started tonight, I'd like to tickle your activist bone a little bit. I'm lobbying the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to add a new category to this year's Academy Awards: Best Short Film of a Punk Ass Nazi Crying Their Wuss Eyes Out When Consequences Catch Up To Them.

Baked Alaska is an early favorite, but this Christopher Cantwell dude could be a dark horse.

GET IT? WHITE SUPREMACIST/DARK HORSE? BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH.

Anyhow.

We're at, what? Day 2,192 of the debate about whether the President of the United States should say Nazis are bad? That's a healthy place for America to be in 2017.

My god, has it come to THIS? In some alternate universe, I'm posting snarky little Facebook posts about Trey Gowdy's ongoing, futile, attempts to investigate President Hilldawg's e-mail server, while congress susses out a voting rights bill. I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

The Guinness World Record for Whattaboutism gets shattered every seven minutes, it seems. The modern American Right, having found itself headquartered in the filthiest corner of a sewage treatment plant, rather than beginning the long, slow slog back into the light, has chosen to bellow that everyone else is just as shit-encrusted as they are, and therefore lacks the right to point fingers.

And so the Founding Fathers (many of whom were, yes, slaveholders, and we should be honest about that) are basically the same as the traitors who tore our nation apart in order for a handful of rich jagoffs to own human beings like cattle, and Nazis are the moral equivalent of people who think Nazis actually suck really hard, and apple pie is just a steaming cow pie atop a stale slice of Wonder Bread.

The Marmalade Shartcannon, meanwhile, has picked the Nazis-and-Confederate-monuments hill as the one he'd like to die on, fighting harder to preserve shitty statues of traitors than he ever did to pass a health care bill.

Encouragingly, America has responded to SHARTUS' #NotAllNazis initiative with repulsion and defiance, which is good, because Zombie Eisenhower and Zombie Patton were just about the rise from their graves and start fuckin' shit up, 40's-style.

The CEOs of the nation consulted their advertising departments and their butlers, determined that Nazis are SO not in this summer, and fled the President's Advisory Councils like they were full of bees with leprosy, singing Nickleback.

Hilariously, Don the Con tried spinning things like dissolving the councils was HIS idea, because the councils wanted to get more serious that he was ready for, like Richard Trumka left a toothbrush in the West Wing bathroom, and it just freaked him out, so he thought he should end it before anybody developed unreasonable expectations for the future.

Whatever, Donnie. Elon Musk wants his Def Leppard t-shirt back.

And somehow, Orange Julius Caesar, like a shitty stand-up comic oblivious to how badly his set is bombing, wakes up and tweets his ongoing laments about the tragic removal of the Shitty Traitor Statues, like he's reading directly from a porno script Richard Spencer wrote.

Honestly, I don't understand the President's ferocious attachment to the culture of treasonous losers, it just doesn't...oh hang on.

I get it now.

The Associated Press further updated their guidelines regarding the use of the term "alt-right," so as not to play along with 21st-Century Nazis' desperate attempts to be called something other than "Nazis." I've personally proposed using "Outhouses Overflowing With Trucker Diarrhea" as a substitute for "alt-right," but the AP hasn't gotten back to me yet.

Now House Democrats are pushing a measure to censure Toupee Fiasco for talkin' about how handsome n' groovy those Charlottesville neo-Nazis were, putting Paul Ryan in a pickle. Is it even possible for House Republicans to denounce white supremacy on the record without enraging their base? And is anyone in the Republican Party suggesting, "Hey, maybe we shouldn't have worked so diligently to create a voter base that makes excuses for Nazi terrorists?"

A number of Shart House aides are anonymous expressing their concern, their regret, their consternation, their sadness, their constipation, their nagging toothaches at the President's ongoing oral vomiting to various journalists...off the record of course. And no, none of them are actually resigning, that would require spines.

At least we won't have to worry about tearing down statues of these sniveling cowards generations from now.

Well, maybe somebody will carve a butter sculpture of Reince Preibus, wincing as he kisses Il Douche's massive ass. Or better yet, cast a Jell-O mold so as to better capture the quivering.

By the way, did any of you happen to notice that North Korea totally backed down in the recent let's-maybe-end-life-on-earth-because-two-manchildren-are-dick-measuring crisis?

No, you didn't. Biggest win and best fuckin' headline of Drumpf's entire presidency, and the dumb shit buries it talkin' about how cute n' fuzzy Nazis are. It's like if Harry Truman decided to reinstate prohibition on V-E Day.

And Steve Bannon went into business for himself, drunk-dialing The American Prospect out of the blue, shitting on White House rivals, offhandedly mentioning that the entire U.S. military's stance on North Korea is bullshit, chatting casually about how a race war would be good politics for him...hard to believe some folks paint this guy as a villain, ain't it?

Now, in the wake of a horrific terrorist attack, such as the one that took place in Barcelona today, a normal person will grieve, or offer prayers and support, or maybe just lament their helplessness at life's periodic tragedy...but not our Carcinogenic Bloat-in-Chief.

No, he just thinks "Oh GOOD, a Muslim terrorist! This'll change the subject!"

And so President Colon Tumor tweets out a reference to his favorite fake history story, an utterly fictitious tale of General Pershing committing a racist war crime. It's a perfect score on Klansman bingo.

In addition, the Candycorn Skidmark raged at Jeff Flake and Lindsey Graham, while Bob Corker and Tim Scott tore several new holes in his widescreen, be-golfpantsed derrière.

Good luck with tax reform, Mr. Shart-of-the-Deal. (At some point, somebody really should tell him that impeachment trials take place in the very chamber where he's so giddily cultivating enemies. I nominate Stephen Miller.)

And now I see that Wikileaks sat on some leaks that would've damaged Putin/Russia, because they were strictly in the Shittin'-on-Hillary-Clinton business last year? Fucking perfect.

I know I'm missing a bunch of stuff tonight, shit like Kevin Durant and Carmen de Lavallad passing on Shart House honors because they don't want to get Shart on themselves, and awesome folks queuing up to take the blame for pulling down the confederate statue in Durham, and don't miss that one story about shitty white supremacist dudes finding out they're not ethnically pure, but I'm just beat to hell from living under a government that refuses to condemn Nazis, even after they FUCKING MURDER PEOPLE. I'm all grouchy and shit.

All I really need now is for Chris Cilizza to tell me Robert E. Lee had the Worst Week in Washington.

...shit be cray, folks...shit be cray.