Yes, the cheese is missing and, yes, Mitt Romney's breath smells like hot-old-man-air mixed with brie, and, yes, Mitt Romney was seen hanging around the refrigerator with a box of Wheat Thins, but, no... Mitt Romney did not eat the cheese.

Mitt Romney was too busy saving the Olympics to have eaten the cheese.

Mitt Romney was too busy causing Dogarrhea to have eaten the cheese.

This is why Mitt Romney DEMANDS that Barack Obama apologize for suggesting that Mitt Romney ate the cheese, because despite the fact that Mitt Romney has spent his entire life gorging himself on Emmental and Gruyère and Gouda and Cantal and Colby and Monterey Jack... despite the fact that Mitt Romney might as well have whiskers and little, beady, rat eyes... despite the fact that millions upon million of slices of cheese were delivered to Mitt Romney's cellar in the Caymans... Mitt Romney did not eat the cheese after between 1999 and 2002.

Yes, he has an army of Keebler Elves, but he does not have, nor did he consume, cheese.

And this is why Mitt Romney will go on five networks... with yellow stains on his lips... and a Dexter-Russell 09223 14" Double White Handled Cheese Knife in his hand... and three inches of lactose intolerance inspired tummy bloat... and swear to the God of lightly curdled mik that Mitt Romney... DID... NOT... EAT... THE... CHEESE.