TEXAS OFFICIAL: Mr. President, on behalf of myself and the citizens of our great state, I would like to welcome you to Texas.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: You know, I got 52% of the votes here in November.

TEXAS OFFICIAL: That's quite impressive, sir. Now if you'd like to...

TRUMP: 4,685,047 votes.

TEXAS OFFICIAL: And you have every reason to be proud of that, Mr. President. Now if we could just...

TRUMP: That's over 800,000 more votes than Crooked Hillary got. And if you take away the illegal immigrants who voted for her illegally, it's probably closer to five million votes for me. You know, I still plan to lock her up. It's just that making America great again and building my big, beautiful, solar-powered wall, which Mexico assured me today they will pay for, is a full-time job.

TEXAS OFFICIAL: Mr. President, why don't we get started? We've set up a meet and greet area over here, where you can interact with some of the families who have faced terrible losses in this crisis.

TRUMP: Did you say meet and eat? What are we having? You know I like steaks. And if there aren't any steaks, maybe you could send one of your grunts out to fetch me a Big Mac and Fries.

TEXAS OFFICIAL: Meet and Greet, sir. We thought that you could interact with some of the local people, offer encouragement, maybe a handshake or a hug.

TRUMP: TOUCH people? Let them TOUCH ME? Are you out of your frigging MIND?

TEXAS OFFICIAL: But, sir...

TRUMP: Don't "but sir" me you little prick. What's that over there (gestures).

TEXAS OFFICIAL: Errr...trucks?

TRUMP: Yeah, those trucks. Howzabout you circle them like a wagon train, and I get in the middle, on top, with a bullhorn? These sad bastards are probably water-logged and too weak to climb up there with me.

TEXAS OFFICIAL: Well, we could do that, I guess.

TRUMP: Say, do you like my hat? Nice, huh?

TEXAS OFFICIAL: Very nice, sir. It says "USA" on it.

TRUMP: That's right, cowboy. Want one?

TEXAS OFFICIAL: That's quite generous, sir, thank you.

TRUMP: 40 bucks. Pay Melania. Now when's lunch?