The Coffin Industry Proudly Supports the Graham-Cassidy Health Care Bill

Satire by MATTHEW DISLER


Well, there’s another effort to repeal Obamacare, and once again there are a handful of fringe groups speaking out against the new bill, like the American Medical Association, the National Council for Behavioral Health, the American Cancer Society Action Network, the American Diabetes Association, the American Heart Association, the American Lung Association, the Arthritis Foundation, the National Health Council, the March of Dimes, the American Hospital Association, AARP, the Blue Cross Blue Shield Association, and America’s Health Insurance Plans.

But Americans know that we can’t trust people like doctors and insurers to tell us about our health and our insurance. It’s time for other industry groups to take a stand. That’s why the coffin industry is proud to support the new health care bill.

Whenever we evaluate a piece of legislation, the coffin industry asks two questions. One: Will it help Americans? And two: Will it help coffins? I think the answer, in the case of this bill, is clear.

Let’s put it this way: There are millions of Americans without work. But each new coffin requires the labor of five employees to cut the wood, assemble the wood, insert cushions, polish everything, and test the coffin’s durability by dropping it from six-foot ledges. That’s not even counting all of the other professions in dozens of coffin-related industries, from the truck drivers who transport the coffins to your Main Street funeral parlor to the security guards who have to fight off people who think they are vampires and try to steal the coffins.

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