More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Every Day Is Halloween Now Edition

I mean, think about it: a guy with a pumpkin for a head is running things, there are vampires who want to drain the poor and give to the rich, the ghosts of Jefferson Davis and Nathan Bedford Forrest seem to be giving advice, and of course armies of zombies who vote for them. It's not a perfect analogy, though--the mob of angry townspeople with the torches are on the monster's side this time.

But more than anything...Halloween is supposed to be scary, and since November of last year the entire world has been scared shitless.



(No. 30 in an occasional series looking at the cognitive dissonance of modern conservatism)

Updates:

Good grief, I have to update this one already:

* Fake News = Journalism that makes president Trump, Republicans, or right wing authoritarians ANYWHERE look bad. (From #28)

* You scream for federal disaster aid when your state catches fire or drowns in a hurricane, but when it happens somewhere else in the country you vote against federal disaster aid. (#19)

* Offensive: Football players not saluting the flag Not offensive: A Watergate burglar in a flag Speedo (#21)

* You spend the entire campaign blasting Hillary Clinton for using a private email server while conducting government business. Donald Trump's son-in-law now uses a private email to conduct government business and you don't see anything wrong with it. (#28)

Oops...revise that even before I even post the list:

* You spend the entire campaign blasting Hillary Clinton for using a private email server while conducting government business. The daughter Donald Trump has a creepy sexual interest in uses a private email to conduct government business and you don't see anything wrong with it.

Wait...what...

* You spend the entire campaign blasting Hillary Clinton for using a private email server while conducting government business. Six different people who work for you, including your son-in-law and the daughter you have a creepy sexual interest in, use private email to conduct government business and you don't see anything wrong with it.

And then Tim Murphy (R-Of Course) brings back this one, unaltered way back from list #10:

* Abortion is an absolute wrong even in cases of rape, incest, or to protect the life of the woman carrying the fetus. Abortion is permissible when the woman carrying the fetus is the mistress of a married, pro-life, family values Republican congressman.

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* The Declaration of Independence is an offensive attack on Donald Trump.

* Bragging about your electoral college victory and your sex parties while whining about the free press is an appropriate inspiration speech to the Boy Scouts. Bonus points if you ask them to boo your predecessor too.

* "Fake hate crime" = "Real hate crime committed by people we might have just enough sense to not publicly admit we actually agree with."

Paraphrased from scheming daemons
* You still support a man who opposed sanctions against Russia, but thanked Russia for sanctions against the United States.

* Just because you attended a rally of Nazis and white supremacists doesn't mean you're a racist.

* You constantly whine about "participation trophies" but defend monuments to a bunch of racists who waged an armed revolt against America...and LOST

Kelly Macias of Daily Kos:
* You think liberals are whiny, oversensitive snowflakes. You think a woman who laughed at Jeff Sessions should be imprisoned.

* Sign that Trump is a courageous leader: getting his minions to announce his latest cruel policy change instead of doing it himself.

* You're a conservative radio host who thinks hurricanes are "fake" but evacuate for them anyway for "legal" reasons. (Well, it is true that drowning does impede your ability to legally make money.)

* Due to the devastation of Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, (and Maria) Congress should quickly pass massive tax cuts for the wealthy.

* You're a "family values" and "personal responsibility" Republican who gets caught watching Twitter porn on your phone, and immediately blame it on your staff.

Jaydee on Slate:
* The free speech rights of white supremacists and hate groups must be defended at all costs, but if a private person expresses a progressive opinion you don't like, they should be fired.

* Elimination of statues erected to honor traitors who waged an armed revolt against the United States of American and its Constitution = Overturning the Constitution.

One I just had to borrow from none other than Stephen Colbert:
*

Link to tweet

* You're more angry at the thought of Trump co-operating with Chuck Shumer and Nancy Pelosi than the thought of Trump colluding with Vladimir Putin.

* You're angrier about football players peacefully kneeling during the national anthem than you are neo-Nazis marching around waving tiki torches and shouting racist slogans.

* Disrespecting the Troops: Football players quietly kneeling during the national anthem.
Not Disrespecting the Troops: Calling a Vietnam POW a "loser" for being captured; insulting the Gold Star family of an Iraq War hero.

* Everyone has the right to own high powered military grade weapons. They don't have the right to affordable care once some one shoots them with one of those weapons, however.

Straight From Cloud3514 of Fundies Say The Darndest Things:
* Arsenal of 42 guns that was used to shoot nearly 600 people: a right.
Not going completely bankrupt as a result of being shot by someone with an arsenal of 42 guns: a privilege.

* Neo-Nazis are being funded by a Jewish man who lived in Nazi-occupied Hungary as a teenager.

Yeah, that crap again. The Neo-Nazis/Alt-Right/White Supremacists/Tea Party/Republicans are so tired of us pointing out how a few creepy billionaires like Rupert Murdoch, Sheldon Adelson, the Mercers, and the Koch Brothers exert massive influence over the right, they figure the left must be under the control of a creepy billionaire too, so they basically made up a bunch of bullshit about Soros just for that purpose.