Dissociated Press: Trump's Nocturnal Jaunts

DP Dissociated Press:  Thursday 10/13/17

Just as President Trump was tamping down the rumors that he was nuttier than a wagon load of pralines, reliable sources in the White House are reporting the President is running around the grounds naked at night and peeking in windows.  “That twisted fuck is looking for Ivanka” said one close staff member who has known Trump for twenty years.  “Another staffer was more somber. “There’s no doubt about it.  Someone drop a net on this guy before he kills us all!”

Female staff who work late have to staple their drapes to the window frame every night because Trump gets up early to pry up all the tapestries he was unable to tear loose during his nocturnal jaunts.  “Nocturnal jaunts my ASS, said another staffer under promise of anonymity. “Don’t call them that!” My God! You should see him!”

The staffers provided a uniform description of what they witness nightly, with some of them throwing up a little in their mouth as they spoke.  “His hair is all fluffed up and caked with hairspray…..I mean all his hair!! Who the fuck does that!.   “His fatass is all dimpled and flops around as he jumps up to peep.“ “For God sake do something, Congress!!” “Everything moves and quivers as he races around the yard”…”.”folds of dimpled flesh bounce wildly”....”dear God, my eyes!!”

Staffers rush to comfort each other as they sob out their trauma. Our sources recounted a recent event where John Kelly had night vision goggles and an AR-15 with a scope and a full bananna clip.  “He had him dead in his sites!”  “We were all shouting Do it! Do it!” but Kelly couldn’t.. “What a pussy!” sad one staffer, going on to say, “Pence was so mad he actually choked Kelly out with one of Ivanka’s whips…..Hey, where did HE get that?”

The White House has vehemenetly denied these accounts as fake news but admitted they had recently taken down all outside security monitors for “No reason” “Because fuck you that’s why.”