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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsFrom: The Sisterhood Of Were Tired Of This Shit
Dear Men, This Is Why Were Tired
..............
Its the drip drip of everyday sexism that is more on time than the trains and more relentless than Harvey Weinstein in a bath robe.
Theres nothing more paradoxically mundane and infuriating than someone who thinks hes clever saying and doing the same thing youve been hearing since you were 3 or 8 or 16.
And its the guilt. The guilt for being there. For laughing. For not leaving sooner. For not fighting hard enough. For not actually biting his lip even though we were this close. And the guilt we find ourselves accepting from the men who take from us. Dont embarrass me. Cmon, Ive been so nice to you. Guilt because were conditioned to carry emotional labor for others and our inclination to people please supersedes our safety for a few minutes, and then more guilt because we know its sick to feel guilty for hurting our abusers feelings.
Its when badass women write about their harassment, their abuse, their rape. The healing and strength you get from reading it. And knowing that every time they write about it theres a sub-reddit forming around their words to discredit and threaten them. That her unburdening and words of healing will likely just heap more abuse on her own plate.
Its the exhaustion of not being believed. Of knowing that even the good guys may not believe our experiences until its corroborated by at least a dozen other women. Or until Hannibal Buress includes it in his stand up act.
Its the time we have to spend assuring men that we know theyre not all like this. Again. And feeling equal parts sad and angry that it will take a whole chorus of us to explain it because one womans words have never been enough and in these moments his feelings are more important than the shit weve lived with and the shit were still reeling from. We have to press pause to explain that we know its not all men. We have to hold off on what were trying to say about abuse and assault and sexism -thats pretty fucking important by the way- to massage a mans feelings. Again.
Its the fact that when the Weinsteins of the world are exposed, we still have to moderate our tone and keep our emotions in check or well be labelled with the female malady of hysteria.
Its the deafening silence of every man who doesnt call out another guy for the rape joke, or the office banter about the new girl, or the locker room talk. Because every time you laughed or didnt call him out or didnt step in to intervene you became an enabler. Your silence makes you complicit. Do better.
Its seeing that things dont change. That these stories echo the stories of your mom getting chased around her desk in 1977. And she couldnt quit her job because the fridge was already empty and it wasnt pay day yet so she would survive on cigarettes and adrenaline so you and your sister could eat. Its seeing that in 40 years the only thing thats changed is HR has to pretend to care.
Its the relentless onslaught of dudes who feel compelled to comment on each story of abuse and trauma in unhelpful ways. Who love to muse that women should have spoken up sooner, or women should have prevented it, or women shouldnt be victims. Who cant seem to understand that their job is to Listen. Stay silent. Or go after the predators. And with every chin scratch and psuedo-intellectual analysis they are kicking dirt in the face of every woman who has been dealing with this shit since they were 3 or 8 or 16.
Some of the things that happen to us are inconveniences. But because they are so tied up in the big things and sometimes they are hints of the traumas weve collected, they register. Because they all live on the same spectrum of abusive behavior they arent easily dismissed. What your bro sees as a joke, is our memory of what weve experienced or what our friends have whispered to us. Our lives and the onslaught of bullshit we put up with is your punchline. Even the small things take up time and energy. They make us pause and assess. They make us document or take screenshots or vent in private conversations with our girl friends so we can not snap at the next man that crosses our path because were tired.
Im tired of laboring under all of this.
Im tired of watching women go through it over and over again. Im tired of the memories that flood my mind every time a story breaks and the visceral reaction when I see men dismiss womens experiences. Im tired of trudging through this virulent sludge on the regular, while men act shocked every time they see a woman with dirty shoes.
This is the emotional labor that sticks to me and buries itself into my psyche. The labor that feels like its siphoned off by men like Cosby and Ailes and OReilly and Weiner and Weinstein and names youve never heard of because this isnt just a sickness of the rich and famous. This is a sickness of a culture that sees women as commodities. That sees us as punchlines. As unreliable witnesses to our own experiences. Its the emotional toll of watching men shake their heads but say nothing. Its the emotional work we have to do to not be bitter or angry or hardened. Its the multitude of ways we are co-opted by the society that encourages it, enables it and even glorifies it.
Men, if youve been wondering why were in your face about it, why we have no more tolerance for dismissals and deflections, no more sympathy for your shock or surprise, why we wont soothe your dismay or feed your ego when our bodies have been slandered, this is why.
Because were tired.
Signed,
The Sisterhood Of Were Tired Of This Shit
MORE.
https://driftingthrough.com/2017/10/15/dear-men-this-is-why-were-tired/
BigmanPigman
(51,640 posts)mercuryblues
(14,547 posts)just all of it. It is the Whack-a-Mole syndrome. When you spend 15 minutes explaining to 1 guy another guy comes right up behind him with the exact same perceived persecution. It is also like teaching to the lowest common denominator, over, and over again.
nolabear
(41,995 posts)What if you had not been afraid to walk down that street, go into that bar alone, wear that outfit, walk there at night, apply for that job, sit alone at that movie, ask for that favor, drive through that neighborhood, take that creepy prof's class, knock on that stranger's door, sit in that seat on the bus, take that trip alone...how different might your life have been? What was lost because you wore-wear-the ice cold shackles of fear?
erinlough
(2,176 posts)Frankly Im sick and tired of even having to consider the opinions and feelings of men at all. The only ones I even bother with are my Dem family and friends. Im too old to care about men at all.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)brush
(53,924 posts)ismnotwasm
(42,020 posts)And she was mocked and reviled and rejected
TAKE BACK THE DAY
I Want a Twenty-Four-Hour Truce
During Which There Is No Rape
1983
And if there would be a plea or a question or a human address in that scream, it would be this: why are you so slow? Why are you so slow to understand the simplest things; not the complicated ideological things. You understand those. The simple things. The cliches. Simply that women are human to precisely the degree and quality that you are.
And also: that we do not have time. We women. We don't have forever. Some of us don't have another week or another day to take time for you to discuss whatever it is that will enable you to go out into those streets and do something. We are very close to death. All women are. And we are very close to rape and we are very close to beating. And we are inside a system of humiliation from which there is no escape for us. We use statistics not to try to quantify the injuries, but to convince the world that those injuries even exist. Those statistics are not abstractions. It is easy to say, "Ah, the statistics, somebody writes them up one way and somebody writes them up another way." That's true. But I hear about the rapes one by one by one by one by one, which is also how they happen. Those statistics are not abstract to me. Every three minutes a woman is being raped. Every eighteen seconds a woman is being beaten. There is nothing abstract about it. It is happening right now as I am speaking.
And it is happening for a simple reason. There is nothing complex and difficult about the reason. Men are doing it, because of the kind of power that men have over women. That power is real, concrete, exercised from one body to another body, exercised by someone who feels he has a right to exercise it, exercised in public and exercised in private. It is the sum and substance of women's oppression.
It is not done 5000 miles away or 3000 miles away. It is done here and it is done now and it is done by the people in this room as well as by other contemporaries: our friends, our neighbors, people that we know. Women don't have to go to school to learn about power. We just have to be women, walking down the street or trying to get the housework done after having given one's body in marriage and then having no rights over it.
http://www.nostatusquo.com/ACLU/dworkin/WarZoneChaptIIIE.html
tblue37
(65,499 posts)redwitch
(14,950 posts)I alternate between weary and so outraged I want to throw things.
Snake Plissken
(4,103 posts)Why did 51% of White women vote for Trump?
I wouldn't vote for a piece of shit like Trump not in a million years, not ever, it absolutely blows my mind that 51% of White women would and did.
This will continue if scumbags like Trump continue to be rewarded by women in voting booths
ehrnst
(32,640 posts)So actually, 51% is progress.
https://www.newyorker.com/news/john-cassidy/whats-up-with-white-women-they-voted-for-romney-too
HughBeaumont
(24,461 posts)When it comes to women and treatment of women, Trump has a very serious character deficit.
That's what's dumbfounding about how he even got 51%.
ehrnst
(32,640 posts)And Democrats didn't.
And here is a good analysis of why many white women went republican:
https://www.newyorker.com/news/john-cassidy/whats-up-with-white-women-they-voted-for-romney-too
m-lekktor
(3,675 posts)I know the stereotype, especially from Clinton partisans, is that it is the 'bros" that don't like her but the most viscious attacks against Hillary i see in "comments" sections can be from women.
Lars39
(26,117 posts)Fundamentalist women gain a little bit of power in their world from doing what their preachers and husbands expect of them.
whathehell
(29,096 posts)Women of ALL faiths and NO faith "get a little power" from doing
what their husbands expect from them.
Lars39
(26,117 posts)Been observing this up close and personal fir about 40 years now.
whathehell
(29,096 posts)They are neither constrained nor circumscribed by any particular religion -- Patriarchy precedes religion.
Lars39
(26,117 posts)whathehell
(29,096 posts)but they only comprise about 30% of American Christians.
it's all kind of moot, anyway, since the ballot box is secret, whatever Fundie husband's expect.
whathehell
(29,096 posts)Last edited Wed Oct 18, 2017, 08:26 AM - Edit history (2)
as you clearly did not if you could make this statement:
'this will continue as long as women continue to reward men like Trump at the ballot box".
Um, snake?...This is about about WAY more than Trump,
and no, you not only don't "completely understand", you likely don't understand much, since your "question" is incredibly insufficient, and, at best, just another example of "Whataboutism".
For what it's worth, and it's not much, imo, the majority of College educated White Women voted Hillary -- The majority of College educated White MEN voted Trump. 'Nuff said.
HughBeaumont
(24,461 posts)All the degrees in the world can't make up for the defective thought process that dictates Hillary would have been just as bad or a worse choice than Trump.
whathehell
(29,096 posts)for many men?
LittleGirl
(8,292 posts)Bookmarked and saved as a favorite. This is epic!
Thank you for sharing.
Pacifist Patriot
(24,654 posts)whathehell
(29,096 posts)May be best and truest piece on this issue I have EVER read.
Demsrule86
(68,715 posts)and tell my about my experience ... what I should do and think...no more.
GaryCnf
(1,399 posts)I can at least do this