dismay of her grandparents who felt I should force her to hug and kiss them. I never did, I never will. Her body, her decision.

I never even forced her to hug me although I was thrilled when she would decide to give me a squeeze!

personal space to touch me. It happens all the time, from casual acquaintances, someone I was just introduced to, the wait staff, service people and tradesmen, too many men feel compelled to give women an unwanted touch. Here's the thing, guys, I don't want to be embraced, forget the air kisses, never try to buss me on the cheek, and don't pat me or rub me, I'm not a dog, and no place on my body is available for you to touch, not ever. Shake my hand if I offer it, but otherwise just back off and let me be.

that it's not just about sex; it's about power, and ownership. It's like some men think they have a right to our bodies. We're accused of being "rude" or "too sensitive" when we object to unwanted touching.

Let's not forget that many people appreciate or even love it. Touching is hugely important to social bonding in general.

I will never forget a lovely young black woman who reached out and touched me, a stranger, on the forearm while talking during one of the LA riots. Even more than just striking up a nice conversation with a white stranger in a black neighborhood, it revealed her unwillingness to accept division and her need to connect by erasing distance physically. It met a need in me also. I loved it. Still do.

That's why I simply let others initiate hugs with me. I'm always willing, but never assume that others are. I love physical contact, but recognize that many, many people are uncomfortable with it sometimes and with some people.

It's all part of my personal rule that says that I shouldn't make any assumptions about other people, even people I know well, when it comes to physical contact. So, I don't.

We need to be careful not to go too far.

On the other hand, some touching is condescending and/or controlling (usually from older men, who still think women are like children). In that case, snatching our hand away or turning the shoulder away from the pat along with a look of mild annoyance can send the signal that it is unwanted or unneeded.

Rather than make all touching forbidden, women need to be more assertive in rejecting those touches that are unwanted.

more SELECTIVELY assertive. Women who have good instincts for (and most do have sufficient experience in!) differentiating between friendly and hostile touches (condescending counts as in this category) can go to work ridding their acquaintance of the latter.

Those who lack good ability to differentiate between good-hearted and hostile touches need to recognize that in themselves and first do no harm. Overreacting negatively reinforces the worst stereotypes and undermines what we all would want to achieve. And it's not nice.

I worked in mental hospitals.

Touching a depressed patient on the shoulder with one hand meant more than anything you could say.

Call it lechery or domination, an invasion of privacy, condescension, or just ignorance, I can only speak from my own experience, and when some man touches me without consent its demeaning and I feel humiliated and belittled. Unwelcome physical contact establishes the man in the dominate role, then the woman becomes his subordinate, a powerless non-person. So I guess a woman, regardless of age would be like submissive dog who could be controlled by a pat on the head. What men do with that control is the topic at large today.

It is hard to be with a very elderly person without wanting to make them feel better in some way. In addition, older people can become childlike in some ways, and people feel free to 'pet' children.

How arrogant. Why would you assume a senior person, such as myself, requires "comforting or love" from total strangers. I'm just old, it happens to all of us, but it's not a disease. I am a fully autonomous and cogent adult, not a lost puppy. Not that I feel poorly in the first place, but whatever makes you think someone of my age needs your intervention to make me "feel better"?

Yes, I am of an age where the common dignity of a life well lived is writ large upon my face, but it is a cruel injustice to deny me the inalienable worth afforded other human beings just because you view age as a pitiable state of being. Elders are not "childlike" versions of adults. Like every other human being, we have an irrefutable intrinsic value. Mark this, the grandeur of a long life, the knowledge, experience and memories gained and shared, is not -- NOT -- diminished by time or the mark of years you see in our physical appearance.

I was talking about people who are old and ill. In the five years or so before she died, my mother-in-law was like a fragile bird. She could no longer walk, and suffered both emotionally and physically. She was childlike in the sense of her dependence and vulnerability. I very much felt she needed my comfort and love. I'm not a touchy person, and certainly would not take that liberty with a total stranger, but I often held her hand as we visited.

I'm sorry you are so sensitive about being old. I am in my 60s, and feel that arriving at that age is something of an accomplishment. At this point I am not altogether sure I will see age 70, but if I do, I will be pleased. In many ways, advancing age is a badge of honor, even though it's not treated that way in our society.

Hand shakes are a perfect way to greet people you don't know or know only as business acquaintances. I put a lot of people off by sticking my hand way out there, before any hug can occur. I don't want to be hugged - even by other women.

I would ask my children if they had said "hello" to a family or friend guest, and if they had not done so would. I saw them standing there enduring the "my how you've grown" stuff while politely smiling many times, and then escape to enjoy themselves. Not all family and friends were hard to endure and my children clearly chose to spend more time with some than others.
Unfortunately, some relatives insist on kisses, and unless they are in close familiarity and the children naturally affectionate with them, it is appropriate to intercept and take over the greeting yourself with a "how are you doing these days?"--or something. Kids learn to dodge these situations themselves as they get a little older.

When they use the word "yummy".

Anytime I see an adult article use the word I cringe

Grandson brought home a note saying that all coats must be put in their own backpacks when not in use.

My husband and I make it a point to ask our three-year-old, "Can I have a hug?" or "Can I have a kiss?"
Then she can decide whether or not to give one.

And my family respects that, which I think makes it that much sweeter when she DOES want to hug or kiss.

It isn’t a pleasant memory, and I made a conscious decision never to do the same thing to my child. When my daughter was three she started attending a Montessori school, where the children were taught to shake hands when greeting someone. The practice gave them self-confidence, a sense of autonomy, and preserved their dignity. Over the next few years, through third grade, the concepts of self-respect, self-control and mutual respect were instilled in many small ways. She’s in her mid-thirties now, and fully appreciates that formative conditioning.

Great post! And an excellent point you make.

Thank you for the post.

I had a girlfriend who hated being touched and didn't grow up in a hugs and kisses family. She preferred cold German efficiency in her relationships. It wasn't a good match.

it always creeps me out when someone just throws themself on me

I certainly don't advocate rushing after a child and grabbing her against her will, nor do I believe in forcing children to participate in unwelcome touching.

But I also think it can go too far - we don't want kids to grow up fearful of intimacy or touch, and the positive benefits it can bring. Do we want pre-school teachers afraid to hug kids, and just shake hands in the morning? How do you comfort a child who's injured if she's been trained to be averse to all touch?

We're already reading accounts of severely unhappy teenagers who are too connected to devices and not engaged enough in the physical world around them. Without straying into the territory of inappropriate touching, I think that being loving and tactile with children can be a positive thing. I worked with kids 0-5 for a number of years, and loved that I could basically get paid to hug babies (and teach them the alphabet and a few other life skills too!)

https://www.parentingforbrain.com/children-hugging/

I agree with you completely.

A hug from a family member can go a long way to helping a young person feel loved.

... ourselves back in the darkness of Victorian England, with everything forced underground into perversion.

The statement from the Girl Scouts isn't about making girls adverse to touch. It's about teaching them, from an early age, that they have a right to consent.

We greeted each child by name as they arrived with a smile and saying, “would you like a hug, a fist bump or a high five?” It allowed them to choose the greeting that they preferred on that particular day. The children seemed to enjoy being empowered to decide the greeting without being coerced into the one that the adult chose.

I feel the same way. Our society is becoming more and more self-centered, self-absorbed and fearful of others. I wouldn't want to live in a place where we have to be wary of every single person. You can teach children to be loving at the same time as teaching them to follow their instincts. Children are naturally loving. What sort of a world would they live in if all of them were taught not to be affectionate? Even as a child I understood there were creeps out there and to avoid them or tell someone if I felt uncomfortable.

I was married to a man who did not get any physical affection growing up and he was so emotionally constipated he couldn't show any to me either. He was a depressive and I attribute a lot of that to his upbringing.

And their children will respond in kind.

But children are often shyer about physical attention from people outside of the immediate family. They shouldn't be forced to demonstrate, through hugs and kisses, a level of affection they don't naturally feel.

A kiss or hug for grandpa or Auntie Em can mean so much to them, that if the girl is not outright against it, I think it might be best to ask her to give a kiss on the cheek or a light hug to express thanks. Same thing for a young boy.

Teaching a child to consider someone else's feelings is a good thing. As an adult, I give a hug when I may prefer not to. It's not all about me, all the time.

I think it's different when the relative is a male. Care should be taken in that instance. No need to hug an uncle. I don't think they expect it, either. It was not common in my family when I was growing up to hug uncles.

No need to hug an uncle - but a hug for an aunt can mean so much to them?

Doesn't this teach children that male relatives are to be treated differently from female relatives?

In my family, we hugged aunts, but rarely hugged uncles. Uncles did not expect it, either, and seemed uncomfortable the few times I hugged them.

Aunts & uncles are different. Also, in my family it was the aunts, not the uncles, who bought the gifts. Traditional wives who did the gift buying, the keepers of the family flames, while the husbands worked and brought home the bacon. That was the way things were for my generation, in the deep south.

But I was mainly thinking of single aunts. It is entirely possible that a single woman over a certain age will spend the rest of her life never being hugged or kissed. I think it's easier for men to find affection, if they want it. If they live to a certain age, they have their pick of women. About 10 or so women for every man.

I remember a seminar by Leo Buscaglia on PBS. Remember him? "Dr. Love." He hugged everyone he met. He told a touching story once. He said that at on seminar or book signing, he hugged an elderly woman, which she apparently didn't expect. He said she was overcome with emotion because, as she put it, she had not been touched affectionately by anyone in decades.

Thank you for sharing your perspective - it is completely alien to me in every respect, but I am always curious to learn about the life experiences of other folks.

My 12 year old son has never been huggy/touchy with anyone except his father and me. He's never sat in a grandparent's lap or voluntarily given a hug or kiss to anyone. He isn't built that way. I remember when my mother was at the end of her life...she'd never really given my son much in the way of one on one attention...about two weeks before she passed she asked him if he was ever going to hug her before she died and he simply answered "no thank you grandma, I don't think so." He was 4 years old.

Period. I let the other person initiate. Does that mean I don't get and give lots of hugs? Nope.

Recently, at my brother's memorial service, two of my great nieces, his grandchildren, were there. I haven't seen either of them for several years. They're 15 year old twins. I shook their hands warmly, even though they were big huggers when they were younger.

Later that evening, when they were visiting my parents' house and were about to leave, though, both girls came up and hugged me in a three-way hug. That was nice, but I wasn't about to initiate hugs with two teenaged girls I hadn't seen for a long time.

If you're a guy, let others initiate the hugs. Don't make a big deal of it, but let them make the decision. If you're a nice guy, you'll still get plenty of hugs.

You seem to be saying that as a guy you would not initiate a hug with a relative, but that such a guideline is for males only?

an established hugging relationship. In the case I described, the last time I saw the twins, they were 10 years old. They were eager huggers at the time, but I still waited for them to initiate hugs. At 15, that was even more important, I think. Teenagers have all sorts of different ideas about things than adults might expect. At their age, they're likely to be the recipients of unwanted attention from men, besides.

So, I shook their hands. Then, later, they came up and offered hugs, which I gladly accepted.

Women are not generally threatening to men, frankly. The converse is not true. So, I leave it to women to initiate hugs. I'm good either way. As I said, I get lots of hugs, regardless, but I do not initiate hugs with women who are not my wife or mother. I simply do not.

In my extended family and a group of close friends, along with my wife's family and friends, there are also women who are smoochers. I don't mind. My wife doesn't mind, But I would never initiate a kiss, either.

Men can be threatening to some women. I've not found women to be threatening to me, ever. So, I let them take the initiative when it comes to such displays of affection. That works for me.

There are presumably people who don't like physical contact, be it from a man or a woman. It seems like these guidelines you are suggesting ought to be applied to everyone, regardless of their gender.

In my own experience, family members hug one another as a show of love and affection, so this notion of males not initiating hugs with relatives is somewhat foreign to me. If a family member (of any gender) did not initiate a hug with a relative at a family gathering, that would be viewed very strangely (in my circles). However, I recognize that each family is unique.

is unique. I like hugging. Not everyone does. So, I leave it to others to initiate hugs, so they can choose whatever they please.

If I initiate a hug, the other person will probably participate, whether it is welcome or not. If I do not initiate the hug, but the other person does, then there is no question how the other person feels. I'm good either way. I have no expectations of anyone at any time. I leave it up to them, entirely.

As for myself, I'm always comfortable with hugging, even if I don't know the person well. So, any woman (or man) who initiates a hug will find a warm one in return from me. But, that's just me. I don't make assumptions about what others will welcome. Ever. Even if we've hugged in the past.

If you want a hug from me, offer me one. I'll be glad to return it.

was an eager hugger as a young girl. When she entered puberty, that ended. She wanted nothing to do with hugging men. Her body language was clear, so I listened to it and just said "Hi" and "Bye" to her That went on for about four years.

Then, at about 16, she returned to her hugging character. When she felt comfortable with hugging me, she started initiating hugs again. All of that made perfect sense to me. At no time in her childhood, teen years, or even now, have I every initiated a hug with her, nor would I ever, despite having shared hugs with her dozens of times. When she feels like hugging me, she hugs me.

Lately, she's very comfortable about hugging me. She's 25 years old now. We're friends. I'm not really related to her, except by marriage. She was a hugger, then stopped being a hugger, and is not back to being a hugger. She's herself, so I see no reason to expect anything but her to be herself.

Having a rule that males (and only males) should not initiate hugs with family members does not.

I don't insist that others follow my rules, though. You should do as you think best. I'll do the same. My suggestion is based on my own experience. Not everyone wants a hug every time you see them. It's easiest to let them decide, rather than to impose what I want on them. So, that's what I do, as a man.

I find this an interesting conversation, and I hope you are not taking it the wrong way. I am just sharing my thoughts, and I very much respect hearing yours.

Let me just make this one final point on the subject.

You said that you were happy that your grand-nieces initiated a hug with you. You described it as being something positive (it was nice). There is something about a family member initiating a hug that makes the receiver of the hug feel loved.

While I understand that there are some folks who don't want a hug, there may be others who really do - and get a nice warm feeling inside when a relative they look up to or admire in some way takes the time to initiate that little show of affection.

Edit to add: And when there are different guidelines for different genders, you could have a young person thinking: "Aunt Sue always gives me a big hug when she sees me, why doesn't Uncle John?"

"Uncle Freak," reflecting my hippie appearance, and attitudes. Now, their children call me that. I always have a smile for them and maybe a story that will make them laugh. I enjoy being "Uncle Freak." At the same time, I'm often the one both generations tell about things that are bothering them or worrying them. That's because I don't make judgments and often have some advice that will help.

Those twins live now in North Carolina and I don't see them very often. This last time was on the occasion of their grandfather's (my brother) death. It was a strange time for everyone. Add to that their change in status and the transitional life phase that they're in, and all bets are off, really.

Things are never the same as they were at a previous time. My goal is always to have people be comfortable with me. So, I leave things to them when it comes to whatever relationship we have. I don't know what they're thinking about, what has recently happened in their lives, or their current mood. So, I let them decide what they want at any particular moment.

When it comes to displaying affection physically, I'm not proactive, but reactive. It's not my decision to make, I believe. Life's complicated.

and am really appreciating them and how you gage others rather than just leaping in for a hug.
i've never been a big hugger. i'm probably better with it now that i'm nearing my 60s than i ever was before. i tended to be more of an arms length kind of girl (with a bit of a hard/razor edge).

anyway, i really appreciate what you've written. just thought i'd tell you. and by du virtual emoji:

Yes, showing affection is a nice thing for kids to learn. But there are better ways to learn it than being told to do something that they don't enjoy.

If exchanging hugs comes naturally in your family, they may learn it on their own anyway. But the VERY BEST way for a kid to learn it is to watch Mom or Dad, or older siblings, greet relatives at a holiday gathering with a "Hi, Auntie Jeanne! Can I give you a hug?" and then see the hug happen.

And they can learn a lot from Mom or Dad greeting a cousin their age with a "Hi, Billy! Can I give you a hug?" And when Billy says "No, thanks," and gets a big smile and a "Okay, glad to see you!" in return, they'll learn even more.

Kids sometimes listen to what you say, and occasionally learn from it.

But they ALWAYS watch what you do, and usually learn from THAT.

appreciatively,
Bright

And if they say "no thanks" to the hug, I may say "how about a high five?"

to give a kiss or a hug. Their space should not be compromised without their inviting the other person. Even then it may not be the wise thing to do

I make what I hope is understanding eye contact with the child, crouch to their level if necessary, stick out my hand to shake theirs and say "pleased to meet you" before they can be coerced into any other type of contact with me. Cannot tell you how many relieved-looking kids of all ages I have had shake my hand.

Love them dearly, but could not disagree more. Hated being forced to give hugs and submit to kisses as a girl. Still hug awkwardly even when they are welcome. I applaud this!

I have to confess, I’m a hugger. I’m from a huge family of huggers, all proudly carrying an “A” rating from the American Institute of Hugology. We all walk in the door, holding out our arms and saying, “Can I get a hug?” They are always administered with an ample amount of glee.

Hugs all around. If we missed hugging a loved one when they were walking in the door, we make sure to get that hug in before they go walking out of it.

Everyone, boys, girls, grown ass men and women, close and distant relatives, friends, friends of friends, the family dog, that chocolate cheesecake, the bottle of Henny... Everything is in the Mass Hugging Zone during the holidays. It’s a big old hugging love in.

It’s going to happen some more this Christmas, hello hugs and goodbye hugs and hug-hugs.

So, you party poopers, y’all can have my hugs only if you take them away from my cold, dead hands. Or just say, “Can I have a hug?”

Either way in our family, it’s Huggin’ Time!

Hugz iz luv.

I think this is a good thing - I have never been comfortable with hugs, all my life, and it was uncomfortable at family gatherings when it was made an issue of - I've gotten over it somewhat but it should not something that is forced on someone, child or adult. Nothing ever happened to me to make me feel this way, touch was just something that I did not like. Strange as it seemed, I shook hands with people instead of hugged - even my parents.

regardless of gender. As a former girl scout and top female cadet in CAP, I salute you.

My mom always respected that, though she sometimes teased me about it.

I’m still that way. I have very large personal boundaries, and since I live in the south - that can be a problem lol.

partners, which was expected. He never acted inappropriately, but the vibe was just weird, and the hug too long.

You need to know whether your child has an unusual aversion to hugging, otherwise it's perfectly normal to suggest that such a courtesy be extended to family members.

Donald Trump shakes hands in a bizarre and aggressive fashion; I wouldn't recommend that anyone shake his hand. But his behavior doesn't invalidate shaking hands as a useful social gesture.

It bothered my sister that she hung back, but it never bothered me. I'd much rather have a hug or other affection from her when SHE was ready, and on HER TERMS.

NOT because her Mom told her to give Auntie a hug. Thanks, but no, thanks!

(P.S. The niece isn't the least bit shy as an adult. She's in sales. She just needed some time.)

When I was a child (in the '60s), kids were thought to be possessions who had to submit to any and all adult commands (on an unrelated note, imagine my shock when, at age 13, I had a full grown man seek to sexually fondle me!).

Parents now are much more considerate of their kids' feelings.

whenever I visited. They made me feel loved. They've grown to be wonderful adults, and we still change hugs.