"We just have to hand it to Fox News. They always seem to encourage the best elements in America after a tragedy. This time we have Americans who are so patriotic they want to protect the military with their guns, but just don't seem to currently want to serve in the military," stated Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter.

"All of us want to thank Fox News for having to call local police so they can ask these armed loose cannons to leave. The public can help us by reporting any unusual things, like men with guns outside our centers," said Kelli Bland, speaking for the Army Recruiting Command.