13 Tips on How To Speak While Female

Last edited Fri Jul 31, 2015, 12:08 PM - Edit history (3)

13 Tips on How To Speak While Female


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A grizzly bear looks around while she and her two cubs feed on the carcass of a bison in Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming, United States, July 6, 2015. REUTERS/Jim Urquhart

I have read all the critiques of women’s vocal mannerisms and tics. No “just.” No “sorry.” No uptalk. No vocal fry. I have come to a few simple conclusions, which I have distilled into the following 13 tips.

1) Never speak in run-on sentences. Use only sentences that Hemingway would use. Speak curtly. Speak of fish and fighting, and the deep wisdom no woman can know. Speak of hills and strong liquor. Speak of Scott Fitzgerald and his fatal weakness.

. . . .

3) Never end sentences with a question mark, even when you are asking a question. This may baffle and alarm everyone around you, but better that than the alternative.


. . . . .



9) When you form words at all, which should be but rarely, make certain they come out in a low, gravelly growl, like a hungover Joe Cocker who has just gargled shards of glass. Strive to sound like a cigarette would sound if it could talk. Strive to rumble like thunder that has taken a class to counteract its vocal fry. If you sound like the love child of Darth Vader and a female Ent, you have achieved your purpose. Speak so that those who hear you wonder aloud and say, “Surely this speaker is a man. Or a grizzly bear who has swallowed a man whole.”



12) Remember, be confident. You are woman. Hear you roar. It is the only vocalization you can freely make lest you be hounded off the airwaves and out of the workforce.

13) GRRRRR ARRRG. GRRRRRR. RRRRR.

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