'President Putin on the line for you, Mr. President'

News item: Russian President Vladimir Putin says he and President Trump talk “regularly.” Your columnist has obtained a transcript, dated June 10.

Putin: Donald, is President Putin. I must congratulating you on G7.

Trump: Thank you, Mr. President. Sergey made pictures of your instructions. I almost forgot to call Justin “weak,” though. His drawing of it wasn’t very good, I hate to tell you. But when I climbed up to my plane I got tired and it reminded me.

Putin: Please to not forgetting again, Donald. I am not joke. But is OK. You did job it is please me. Make vorth it my vork Bookface and Tveeter make Americans say Trudeau and Macron and Merkel voman is bad guys and you smart for do it. You finish break G7 and NATO, people is cheering you in Russia like is me also.

Trump: It’s tremendous you’re happy, Mr. President. Speaking of which, since I did so terrific, the best terrific, I didn’t even want to go to Canada till you gave me your plan which was an incredible plan, can we talk about that, what is it, kompromat now? Everyone is saying I’m getting Europe to hate America bigly and letting you do Libya your way, like we … it’s happening really fast, because I alone could fast it. And I’m making Americans hate each other, the press, the FBI, even starting to hate democracy. Isn’t it time we …

Putin: Donald, ve haff too much talking already dis. Ven I am making promise I am keeping, like you replace Obamacare, tax plan hurting you, release tax forms, balance budget (muffled background laughter). Don’t afraid, Donald, I making nobody care. But for sure I keeping promise. Also I giffing Kim video he show you your meeting. For now just copy, he keeps it. You not talk him murders, feed uncle dogs, politics prisoner. If reporter ask, say he talent, he great guy, people love, only do bad vhat he see his father. You stop wargame, you put someday hotel.

Trump: Fantastic. I trust you big-time, Mr. President. Get me reelected, I’ll have every American trusting you, too. I love what you’re doing for the mid-terms, by the way, and the Mueller investigation. People are saying it’s totally corrupt, so whatever he’s figured out, my voters won’t believe him. Your guys are great. And it’s fantastic how you got Hannity to help. He’s yuge, the best, let me tell you.

Unidentified voice: I’m just a patriot, glad to help. So is Rupert. And, Vlad, shall I stay on the line after Donald hangs up?


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